Strictly Gary and Petey: College Years
by DarkMoonX
Summary: GaryxPetey. Story put back up. The third and final installment of the Strictly Gary and Petey series. Rated M. Sexual content, swearing, drug/alcohol use. Read at own discretion. Slash.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Please refer to my profile for explanation of the previous deletion of this story. Enjoy!**

**Friday, September 12th , 2008**

I swallow hard as I look down into the toilet. Blood, in my urine? Why is this happening? It seems like ever since we've arrived at Tanner University a week ago something bad seems to happen every day. Just my luck, as always. Our first day here was bad enough, finding out someone else was rooming with us. Then I was majorly late to class on my first day, then I tripped outside yesterday and my papers went everywhere. Some people helped me pick them up but it was embarrassing because all my papers were of cartoons with fantasy geek stuff, or so Gary calls it. Now I'm finding blood coming out of my..jeez, when will this kind of crap stop happening?

I rub my face with my hand and think about what I'm going to do about this, which is nothing, I guess. So I flush the toilet and zip my pants up. When I get to the sink and wash my hands I look in the mirror at my face. I look horrible, like I need a week's worth of sleep. I guess it's Gary. He's really been getting under my skin lately and he's becoming hard to handle. The summer dealt a bunch of bad cards our way and I haven't been happy with him for a couple months now.

I bite at my cheek before leaning into the sink to examine my face more. I look at my left eye and trace my finger around the yellow surrounding the outside of it. It's still very slightly bruised but for the most part it's healed and looks way better than it did. Touching it makes my heart drop into my stomach and I grip the edges of the sink with my hands to keep myself calm. Because I know the cause of my insomnia lately and the cause of the pain I've been feeling deep inside my gut. I've tried to bury it, forget it, let it go, but I can't. Because every time I look at my eye, even with the bruise being almost non-existent, I see Gary's fist flying at it. No regret or anything, he just did it, cold and angry. The weird thing is, I can't believe I forgave him so fast, and in the next two weeks we were off to college, both of us acting like nothing had ever happened.

I hear the door to the bathroom open so I quickly move away from the sink and make my way out. On my way to my room I think of a way to bring up the blood in the toilet to Gary. Since he's going for a medical career maybe he'll know something, but I doubt it. Gary wants to be a medical examiner, so I guess it would be a bit different.

When I reach my room and walk in I pause in the doorway. On my bed is Norman Rockwell. Yeah, as in the Norman Rockwell guy who paints those pictures that get sold on calendars and say inspirational quotes. His parents must have really liked the guy to name himself after him, or either they liked the name Norman and got stuck with the last name Rockwell. Either way, this skinny, geeky Norman Rockwell is just sitting there hunched over on his laptop. "Um, Norman," I say, gritting my teeth. "Can you please get off my bed?"

"Oh, I'm just finishing up. One minute."

I purse my lips as he takes his time and stare at him. Norman has dark brown hair like Gary and wide rimmed glasses. He's the kind of guy I could actually stand up to if I wanted to, which is what I decide to do as I'm standing there waiting for him to get off my bed, but I end up chickening out and just leave the room altogether.

"So much for putting my foot down," I mumble as I dig my hands into my pockets and make my way down the hall.

"What's that, sunshine?" comes a familiar voice from behind me.

I bite my lip. I know that voice _all _too well. "Nothing," I say as I turn around

"What's with you?" he asks, coming up beside me.

"Norman is on my bed, again."

"So tell him to get off."

"I was going to but-"

Gary crosses his arms and looks down at me. "But knowing you, you probably wussed out at the last minute, right?" he finishes for me.

"Wish you didn't know me so well," I say.

"I'm your best friend, of course I know you. But I can't keep bailing you out, kid."

"Just help me get rid of him, please?"

"Fine, but you owe me later.

I bite my lip and smile at him before following him into our room.

"Norman!" Gary belts out as he opens the door, his voice loud and cheerful.

Norman jumps, still on my bed. He's rather intimidated by Gary. And who can blame him? I date the guy and still get intimidated by him.

"So what are we doing? Looking up some nice busty Asian porn?"

"Uh," Norman hesitates.

Gary throws an arm around him and looks at his laptop screen. "Oh my, what have we got here? Japanese tentacle porn even?" Gary looks up at me with his eyes and smiles big, obviously very amused.

I cross my arms and roll my eyes. I asked him to help me get him off my bed, not freak him out.

"I am not," Norman says, and quickly closes his laptop. He gets off my bed and moves to his own.

"Why can't you stay on your own bed?" I ask, now feeling bold since Gary is in the room.

"Because your side has the only outlet."

"There's one right there," I say, and point at the desk sitting by the window, which is also sitting beside Gary's bed.

"He doesn't like that outlet because it's too close to _my _space. Isn't that right, Norm?" Gary says, in that cocky voice of his.

Norman pushes his glasses up on his nose. "No, I don't care. I just..needed somewhere comfortable to sit."

"You know they have couches in the library."

Norman nods his head once and purses his lips. "Yes, you're quite right. I need to go there anyway." He grabs his laptop, tucks it under his arm, and waves a hand at us before leaving the room.

Gary laughs and plops down on his bed. "What a dweeb," he says.

"You didn't have to scare him."

"It'll do him some good. He's more tense than you are. He's really weird, too."

"Oh, please, like _you're _not weird?"

"Not as weird as him, or you for that matter."

I sit beside on him his bed and put my hands on my knees. I figure since we're both in here together alone I might as well bring up my bathroom incident with him. But right as I get ready to say something Gary pulls me down beside him on the bed. Then I feel his tongue in my mouth and his hands start touching my arms and waist. It feels good, of course, especially since things have been tense for us since he hit me back in August. And we haven't really gotten to do this since we got here a week ago. But as much as I like it, I stop him, because I know by the way he's tugging at my clothes that he wants to have sex and I'm not up for it right now. I haven't been up for it since the incident.

"Wait," I say and push him off me.

"Come on, Pete, we haven't done this in weeks," he mumbles and keeps on anyway, grabbing my arm tighter than I want him too. It makes me think of how strong he is and how weak I am and how I can't go through that again.

"Gary, stop," I say again, but not too loud because I'm afraid of making him angry. I usually have to watch what I say around him now.

"Okay, jeez." He finally backs off and I sit up.

"I need to tell you something."

"What?"

"I-I was in the bathroom today."

There's a pause as Gary looks around the room, then back at me. "Okay," he says. "So?"

"I was using the bathroom and..blood came out?"

"Of the toilet?"

"No, Gary, what the hell?" I shake my head. "In my pee."

"Oh, was it a lot?"

"Not much, just kind of..mucousy, I guess." I make a disgusted face.

"It's probably just a UTI or something. I've had it several times."

I sigh and lay my head back against the wall, relieved. "Maybe I'm just stressed."

"Maybe you just need a fuck."

"I don't feel like messing around when this is going on," I say, my voice growing loud.

"Well maybe you started your period instead. You sure as hell sound like it."

I roll my eyes at him. "Oh please, can you stop with the stupid girl jokes? It's getting really old."

"Well if you didn't sound like a whiny bitch I would."

I run a hand through my hair and hold back an insult. I ignore him and say, "This week just sucks, okay?"

"Get over it. You'll have to get used to it for the next four years, or more if you don't figure out what you want to do."

I grit my teeth at that. I'm sick of him bringing that up. Just because I'm unsure of what I wanted to do before doesn't mean I wont' find something else to do. I guess I just need a little time. "Something will come to me," I say.

"It will, and I guarantee you no matter what you'll end up doing something artsy."

"Just as long as Norman stays the hell away from my bed."

"All we have to do is tell him we had sex on it while he was gone and he-"

"_Gary._"

"Come on, it was just a thought," Gary says, pushing me playfully before moving off the bed and to the desktop.

Maybe things will get better, not just for school, but for both of us.


	2. Chapter 2

**Tuesday September 15th, 2008**

It's 3:30 by the time I get out of Math class and head to the library, which is very big and full of tables and chairs for everyone to sit at. I've already had to do a paper for my creative writing class, a class both me and Gary share. So I've been to the library a couple of times now, reading a bunch of different books to get ideas on stuff. Gary is better at it than me, though. He can think of anything and write it down. But right now I wasn't coming here for creative writing. Now I was just here to study and do other work, as Gary always distracts me and I never get anything done.

When I get to the library there are a lot of students there so the tables are a bit full, but I choose the one with the least amount of people, next to the windows, and sit down. As I set my books beside me and open my Chemistry book, ready to study, I notice someone else plops down in the seat in front of me, but I don't look up. I have a tendency to avoid people.

"Hey, Peter."

My ears perk up at that and I look up to see Norman smiling in front of me.

"Hey," I say, attempting a smile. Where did he come from all of a sudden? Was he just waiting on me to sit down? I can't tell if Norman is dorky or just weird. Probably both. He dresses like me, though, so maybe we're alike.

"Are you doing some research too?" Norman asks, looking up from behind his glasses.

"Just studying."

"Ah. I have to study for Biology sometime this week. I hate it." He writes something down on a piece of paper, rather quickly.

I shrug and tap my pencil on my book, unsure of what to do. If I can't study in my room in peace and can't study here in peace then where am I supposed to go? The bathroom?

"So," Norman chimes in, looking at me once again. "Where's your friend?"

"You mean Gary?"

"Yes, I suppose. Yes, Gary."

"Hell if I know."

"Don't mind my asking but are you two an item or what?"

I drop my pencil and look at him, wide-eyed. Then I look around before saying, "God, is it that obvious?"

"Well, kind of. I mean, maybe not to everyone, but I have a habit of observing people. Perhaps why I'm going for a Psychology degree."

I don't say anything to that. I'm a bit embarrassed that Norman would ask me so bluntly about mine and Gary's relationship.

"I'm sorry," Norman continues. "I have a habit of just asking whatever's on my mind."

"It's okay."

"So are you homosexual or-"

"No!" I yell. "What? Why are you asking me that?"

"So you're bisexual?"

"Oh my god, Norman." I look around the room and almost laugh in annoyance. This guy just won't quit. "People can hear you."

"It doesn't matter, Peter. You can't help what you're born with."

"Please stop calling me Peter. It's Pete." I'm getting angry with him and my voice is getting louder.

"Alright, Pete, but a name change doesn't change your sexuality."

"Shut up about my sexuality. I'm not gay nor will I ever be!"

A couple of people look over at us before making a face and turning back to their work. "God," I groan, and put a hand to my head, trying to hide my red face.

"Pete, don't bother with feeling embarrassed. If you imagine them in their underwear your anxiety will go away."

I close my book and stand to my feet. "I just remembered there's somewhere else I'm supposed to be," I say, then I quickly make my way out of the library and outside. I really don't get Norman. He's by far the strangest person I've ever met, and that's saying something considering Gary is pretty strange.

As I make my way back to the dorm I see Gary along the way so I decide to walk with him inside. That is until I see he's talking with another guy. They're both standing right in front of the dorm so no matter what I'm going to have to walk past them. I can't avoid them, even though right now I want to. I can't help but feel a little..jealous looking at both of them talking and laughing. Gary hasn't laughed like that with me before. This guy is as tall as Gary too, with blonde hair and what looks like blue eyes. No doubt he's a freshman too. I try to build up enough courage to go over to them but when I get close I veer to the right instead. There's another door into the building. I'll just leave them alone. Gary looks like he's having too much fun anyway.

"Hey, Pete, where are you going?"

I stop in my tracks and brace myself before turning around. I bite on my lip as I make my way to Gary. "Hey," I say.

"Hey, Pete, this is Jared," Gary says, a half smile on his face.  
"Hey," I wave.

"So you're the pipsqueak, huh?"

I raise a brow. That isn't what I had expected the blonde haired beauty to say. "Excuse me?" I say.

"I'm just joking around," Jared says. "Gary tells me you're good friends. He talks about you a lot, so it's good to put a face with the picture."

"Oh, okay. Do you guys have class or something together?"

"Yeah, geography," Gary says. "Jared's from around here so he knows some places we can go party this weekend."

"Party? Don't you remember the last time we went to a party?"

"Yeah but this is different, Pete. This is a _college _party."

"The party we went to was thrown by _college _aged people."

"Man, he's a smart son of a bitch, isn't he?"

I frown at Jared, who I instantly know is bad news.

"Oh ho, giving me the evil eye now?"

"I'm not doing anything, just trying to get into the dorm."

"Pete," Gary breaks in. "Jared and I were trying to invite you to go with us this weekend."

"What kind of party?"

"Just a house party," Jared says. "Nothing big, just a few beers and some smokes."

"No thanks, I don't smoke."

"Pete," Gary stops me with his hand as I try to make my way into the dorm. "Why the the hell not? We're here, no adult supervision, why not take advantage of it all?"

"Because I'm not here to party, Gary, I'm here to get an education."

"It's okay," Jared says. "He's obviously the stuck up, preppie type that just wants to get his white picket fence and ten kids and pay his bills the rest of his life. Go let him be boring, Gary."

I wait for Gary to stick up for me but he never does so I give him an angry glare before turning and heading inside for the dorm.

* * *

It's as I'm laying on my bed on my stomach that I hear the rain start beating against the dorm outside. I tried crying earlier but I guess I'm just too fed up with Gary to even try or care anymore. Those days are over. I learned to toughen up a little bit over the summer. Now I can't help but get angry instead. It's probably all from venting it from Gary since I feel like I'm always walking on eggshells when I'm around him now. But deep inside, besides the anger, I'm really hurt.

So Gary's been acting like a jerk lately – not a new thing – but since he's started college he's become even more of a dick. He didn't even stick up for me earlier. I'd think I'd mean more to him that some stupid guy he's only known for a few weeks. Just when I thought I'd get away from all the bullying that went on at Bullworth, it follows me here too. What's worse is that Gary is obviously talking about me behind my back to him. Why else would Jared call me 'pipsqueak'? I'm so over his idiocy.

The door suddenly opens and my heart leaps for a moment. I close my eyes, knowing it'll either be Gary or Norman. In all honesty, I don't know which one I'd rather it be. So I let my ears do the choosing.

"The rain is really pouring outside."

I grit my teeth at Norman's voice and don't respond.

"I guess you finished your studying?"

I have no choice but to talk to him just to shut up so I sigh and say, "No, I didn't."

"Why not? Drop it in the toilet?" He laughs and snorts at that, as if it's really funny, then sighs and stops.

"Um, no." I sit up on the side of the bed and look out the window. It's nearly dark now. "I got a headache so I came back here."

Norman sniffs loudly, then puts his finger up. He grabs a syrofoam cup sitting on his desk and spits into it.

I make a face and stare at him. What is wrong with this kid?

"Sorry. That happens a lot when it rains."

"O-kay." I scratch my head and sit up against the wall on my bed. I close my eyes for a few minutes, hoping to tune out Norman, but I open them back up again when I hear a clicking noise. Over and over and over. I look over at Norman and narrow my eyes. "What are you doing?"

"Clipping my nails."

"Do you have to do it so loudly?  
"Is it bothering you?"

"Yes, it is _bothering _me."

Norman raises his head, then smiles sheepishly at me. "Ah, ah. I know what you're insinuating."

"What?"

"You're saying _I'm _bothering you."

"You're quick, Norman."

He continues to clips his toenails now and when I look at him a nail comes flying right into my face. "What the hell? Watch where you're flinging those things!"

"Sorry, Pete, I'll turn this way."

Just as I'm gathering the courage to tell him off the door opens and Gary barges into the room.

"Hello ladies," Gary announces loudly.

I roll my eyes but Norman just raises a hand and attempts a wave.

"Is this a slumber party or what? You both look thrilled to be with each other."

"Oh, Pete's got a headache," Norman says.

"So that's why he looks like a sour puss over there."

I flick him off with my finger but he only smiles at that and whispers a "Later" behind his hand at me.

"So Norman," Gary says. "Miss me?"

"Actually, I have to be getting a shower. I smell terrible." He gets up off his bed and gathers his things before strolling out the door.

I wait for Gary to close the door and then there's an awkward silence between us for a few seconds.

"So what's your problem?" he asks.

"My head hurts."

"Don't tell me you're upset with me."

"What do you think?"

"Probably."

"You're right."

"I knew it."

I cross my arms and close my eyes. "So what's with that Jared guy?"

"What do you mean?"

"He's a complete jerk."

"Everyone's a jerk to you."

"Norman's not. He's just weird."

"Like you."

I shake my head and look away at that. "Irrelevant, Gary. Why didn't you stick up for me today? He called me stuck up and boring. And also a pipsqueak. You know I hate that, Gary. _Hate _it."

"He was just poking fun at you."

"Poking fun, right." I lick my lips and look away. After pondering on what to say, I finally come back with, "So if I was standing here with Norman right now and said 'Gary went to an asylum a few years ago for trying to take over a school. He's a real nut job' you wouldn't get upset?"

"Norman isn't here."

"That's not the point. If I said that to someone and we started laughing at you, how would that make you feel?"

"Simple. I'd just give them both a good punch or two and they'd never say those things again."

I look down. "What's wrong with you? You're not acting like yourself lately. Your new friend really hurt me back there."

Gary's face was more serious now. "Sorry," he says, but his tone is far from sorry. "I wasn't trying to hurt your tender feelings. I was just trying to get you to come along but you started acting like a snob."

"A snob? You too? You think I'm being stuck up?"

"Well yeah, I mean, we both invite you to go with us and you come back with snide remarks thinking you're better than us."

"I don't think that, Gary. I just don't want to go to a party."

"There's nothing wrong with a little booze and smoke."

"I didn't say there was but we're also underage. You remember when the cops busted up that party back in New Coventry? Yeah, if they had caught us that night we would have been downtown. And then if we get busted at this one the same thing will happen."

"It's supposed to be low key."

"Right, like I'm supposed to believe that."

"You know what your problem is? You don't know how to have fun, or take risks."

"Maybe I don't want to take risks."

"You wouldn't be so boring if you did!"

"Forge it," I say, and roll over on my bed, onto my side. When Gary starts getting angry I give up, because I don't want a repeat of last time. This is the same exact way it started.

"This mean we can mess around now?" Gary plops down beside me and places his lips on my neck but I swat him away. "Assuming your little _problem _is resolved down below."

"No, I'm really tired."

He tenses behind me and raises up. "Fine, then fuck you."

"You know what, fuck you too. It's not like you'll last long anyway. Only takes five minutes for you and I'm still going." As soon as I say it I hold my breath and tense up against him, ready to get a punch for that one, because I can _feel _Gary's fist clench into a tight ball against my back. But I know, by the way the springs let up on the bed, by the way the door slams loudly, that Gary isn't going to hit me. He promised me over the summer that he would never do it again.

I let out the breath I was holding in and sigh. At least Gary isn't being a jerk about that.


	3. Chapter 3

**Friday, September 19th 2008**

**That night **

The rain is beating hard against the window and I'm wide awake listening to it. As much as I've tried to toughen up, I just can't get around storms. They make me nervous because they make me think about Gary, who seems unaffected by all the lightning and thunder. He seems to be sleeping soundly in his corner of the room. I can see Norman sleeping now, his mouth hanging wide open and his arm dangling off the side of the bed. I don't mind him, but sometimes he bothers me. Then again maybe it's just me.

I sigh and hold onto my pillow. As much as I dislike Gary at the moment, I really want to kiss him. So I look over to his bed again, hoping to find him moving and awake, but all he is is still and lumpy. Is Gary seriously sleeping through the storm? His medication must have really knocked him out, assuming he took it that is. I bite my lip. I know I won't be able to sleep the rest of the night unless I make up with him. But he's knocked out and I don't want to wake him. But my affectionate side gets the better of me and I step out of bed and cross over to the other side of the room. I stand beside Gary's bed for a few minutes, making sure Norman is asleep, and ponder on what to do. I finally just put a finger on his face until he wakes up. I crouch down on my knees and give him a kiss on his lips.

"What are you doing?" Gary says, his voice groggy.

"Shh. I really miss you."

He sighs and rubs a hand down his face, then he opens his covers for me.

"I can't get in. Norman is just over there."

"Oh."

I notice his eyes are droopy and his voice is nasally. He's obviously still half asleep. "I just wanted to say sorry for saying that earlier."

"Huh?"

"What I said about you being really quick. I didn't mean it."

"Uh, oh. Oh yeah, whatever. Just put it on some turkey."

I narrow my eyes at him. Gary is still asleep, no doubt because he took his medication, which is good. Still, while he's talking, I want to get out what I want to say. "I guess I just miss you. I miss our old room back at Bullworth, because we had it by ourselves. Of course there was Jimmy but he didn't stay in it much, and he knew about us anyway, just like Norman. But maybe it's a good thing so people don't start talking about us here. I don't want to be made fun-" I stop mid-sentence when Gary starts snoring.

I sigh and go back to my own bed. Gary fell asleep on me, so I must be pretty boring, just like Gary and Jared both said. I pull the covers over me and roll over onto my side, letting it all go, and attempt to sleep.

* * *

The campus at Tanner is big, with green, low cut lawns and well kept flower beds and hedges bordering the brick buildings. It's a pretty private campus, far from big cities, but it's like a town in it's own way, just like Bullworth. A small town is within five miles of it but there's plenty of space in between. The girls and boys dorms sit on opposite ends of the campus and everything in between or surrounding consists of buildings for classrooms, offices, the cafeteria, lawns and parking decks.

I'm sitting on one of the green lawns now, reading a book under a tree. The temperature is just right, not too sunny or hot but also not cold. I've just eaten dinner and feel fine for right now. I'm just glad I can get away from Gary and Norman right now. Ever since Gary's been here something seems different about him, as if it happened overnight. But I know what it is. Anything that's different about him happened over the summer. We spent way too much time together, more than a couple of a year and a half should have, I guess. We got into verbal fights, which had eventually led to Gary hitting me. I'm not very trusting of Gary now and he knows it. I think what happened annoys him more than anything, but also scares him. He doesn't want to go back to another 'nut house', so he calls it, and I don't want him to either. But I also don't want to end up in a hospital at his hands. When my mom saw the bruise on my face she was hysterical and had asked who did it. I told her a group of guys who didn't graduate from school had jumped me and she bought it. She's still wary of Gary, but it never occurred to her that he was the one that could have done it.

At one time Gary had told me he would never hurt me and I believed him. But now I'm not so trusting. And even though I was upset last night, I'm just glad Gary had at least controlled himself and left the room before things got out of hand. Though I wish I had just held my tongue last night and hadn't insulted him, but he had made me really mad. Shouldn't I have a right to speak my mind without fearing a fist to the face? Probably not, because Gary will always be a bully and mental. And though I don't want to admit it, Gary is keeping me from having friends.

I put my book down and look around the lawn. There are several students lounging on the grass, like myself, but they all have one thing in common that I don't have. Friends. And my point has just been proven. Gary keeps me from having friends because one, I'm afraid of him getting jealous and two, he always runs them off. I don't like admitting it, but it's true. Gary is a pain in my ass and I wish he could understand why. I know, as socially awkward as I am, that I really can make friends. It just has to be the right crowd. Not anyone like Gary or Jared, who'll only bully me. After all, Gary is making new friends, ones jerkier than himself even. So why can't I?

With that in mind, I suddenly grab my book and stand to my feet. I make my way back to the dorm to find Norman. If I'm going to hang out with anyone, I'd better start with him, since he's a bit like myself and my roommate. And luckily for me, when I get to our room he's sitting on his bed watching a movie on his laptop.

"Hey, Norman," I say, coming inside.

He glances up at me and nods. "Hi, Pete."

I make my way to the side of his bed to see what he's watching. After a few seconds of watching the screen I narrow my eyes. Norman laughs at the movie but I raise a brow. "This is a Godzilla movie," I say.

"Yes? And?"

"Why are you watching Godzilla?"

"I believe the question should be, 'why not?'."

"Norman, you've got the whole campus to explore on a Friday evening and you'd rather watch Godzilla movies all day?"

"Is it illegal?"

I hesitate. Norman is a bit strange but there's something about him that's sarcastic, a bit like Gary, that I like. "No, whatever, it's fine. I just wanted to see if you wanted to go somewhere with me."

"Sure, like where?"

"I don't know, I guess somewhere off campus? Isn't there a movie theater or park around here or something?"

"Hm, I think there's an amusement park in town. We could walk."

"Don't you have a car?"

"Well, yes, but the night is young!" He turns off his movie, closes his laptop and hops off his bed.

I can't believe I'm actually doing something with Norman, but if Gary can have friends then so can I, even if that friend is Norman Rockwell.

* * *

I'm panting by the time Norman and I reach the amusement park. "I thought you said it was only a couple of miles," I snap.

Norman shrugs his shoulders, then looks at the colored carnival lights against the night sky. "We're here, aren't we? That's all that matters."

"Get real, Norman, we just walked like four miles here. I'm not walking back. We can just take the bus or something."

"Of course, Pete, but come on, they have hot dogs."

"I had hot dogs for lunch." I say it, but follow him to the stand anyway.

"But this is a hot dog at a _carnival. _Not the same thing."

"Okay, fine."

We both buy a hot dog each but by the time I'm done putting ketchup on mine Norman has already eaten his. I don't want all of mine, though, and end up throwing it away. Guess my stomach just stays in too tight of a knot for me to be too hungry lately. We both buy some tickets and Norman runs to a ride that is a ship tilting back and forth. I've seen this ride before, at the carnival at Bullworth. I never wanted to ride it, though. And now Norman is calling after me to follow him on the ride.

"Come on," he says. "We can get on next."

"Uh, I don't know. I mean, you just ate that hot dog and everything. Won't it..I don't know, make you puke or something?"

"Oh, it's okay, I don't get squeamish on rides." He smiles at the ship and nods his head as he watches it go back and forth.

I look at it and already feel like puking. "Well, I might," I say.

"It'll be fun, Pete. It's not bad at all. We can even sit in the middle so you don't feel so high up."

I can't help but crack a smile at that. Norman's considerate, that's for sure, unlike Gary. I like that. "Well, Okay."

Within minutes, we're both on the ship. I even agree to sit a few rows back from the middle. I don't want to be a bigger wuss than Norman.

"Okay, now if you have to puke just do it in the floor. There's no telling where it would land on this thing," he says.

"Comforting, Norman."

When the ride begins to swing back and forth I feel my stomach start to churn. So I close my eyes when the ship swings forward but when it goes back I slowly open them and happen to see Norman beside me with his arms raised and yelling in excitement. It pulls at my insides, the sudden gravity back down and back up, but I manage to get through it. And when we eventually get off, I'm proud of myself for enjoying it.

"That wasn't so bad," I say to Norman."

"See, I told you. Face your fears, my friend. Now on to the next ride!"

I feel like a kid again as we both run from ride to ride with Norman. I forget about my hard time at Bullworth as we ride the bumper cars, forget about Gary hitting me during the summer as we go through the fun house and forget about Gary altogether as I ride the Go Karts with Norman. I smile the whole time and start to enjoy Norman's personality as the night goes on, but by the time we get ourselves some cotton candy and I look at my watch, I realize it's 10:30 pm. The park closes in about thirty minutes so I suggest we leave. "Let's try and catch the bus," I say.

With that, we leave the park and make our way to one of the town's bus stops. It's the main bus that frequents the hot spots of students in town to bring them back to campus. When we get there we have to wait about twenty minutes for the next one but pass the time by joking and talking. I find that Norman is real easy to talk to and really is a lot like me. We both like videogames, some of the same movies and the same music. We don't talk about Gary at all and I make a point to myself to not mention him, even though there are several times where I want to start a sentence with 'One time Gary and I'.

When the bus finally comes we climb in and find only a few other students from the campus inside, but none of them look as flushed or bright faced as Norman and I. I guess we're both still a bit more kidish than them when it comes to things like carnivals. I actually miss the one in Bullworth so it's great we got to go to one tonight. But the best part is not having a curfew, so that's one thing about Bullworth that I don't miss.

We make it back to the dorm around 11:25. A lot of the guys are either in their rooms or still out and about somewhere. So for the most part, it's quiet in the hall. That is except for Norman and I.

"I still can't believe you did that to that clown," I laugh.

"Well, he was asking for it, standing there above that pool of water insulting us at not being able to throw."

Petey shakes his head and laughs. I don't know if I'll ever get to sleep tonight from all the adrenaline. We talk all the way up to our room, where I find Gary laying on his bed. Our laughter fizzles out at that point, as Gary says nothing. Norman, as if sensing the tension between us, takes his toothbrush and some shaving cream and a razor, and makes his way out of the room.

When the door closes behind us Gary speaks up. "Have fun with your new boyfriend?" he asks.

"Norman isn't my boyfriend and yeah, I did have fun."

Gary sniffs, obviously annoyed. "Well, isn't that just peachy keen."

"Yeah, I couldn't find you earlier, so I just hung out with him."

"what's with the attitude?"

"I don't have one."

Gary sits up and rolls his neck. "Where did you go?" he asks, his face serious.

"To the carnival in town." There's a pause so I say, "Where were you?"

He looks up at me with serious eyes. "Doesn't matter."

I roll my eyes. "Come on, Gary, at least give me some kind of lie."

"Just forget it, you wouldn't understand."

"Oh yeah, I wouldn't understand. Well, you know, I don't understand a lot of stuff you do but at least I try and understand _you_. So whatever it is that's been making you act like a jackass lately, you should tell me. I have a right to know since it's affecting our relationship." I turn around to pull my pajamas out of my drawer just as he gets up from his bed and suddenly I feel myself being jerked around. I brace myself for a punch but instead all I get are his lips on mine. He smothers me with his mouth and I suddenly smell cigarettes.

I push him off me and make a face. "Since when do you smoke?" I ask.

"Since I started here."

"Is it that Jared guy? Did he get you started on them?"

"Please, Pete, you're starting to sound like my mom. I really _fucking _hate that."

"I'm not trying to. I just don't understand all this stuff you're doing behind my back."

"Oh what, like it's okay to run off with little Star Wars geek over there?" He puts his hands on his hips, clearly angry now.

"I told you what we did and where we went. You should trust me. But you won't tell me what you did or where you went, which makes it really hard for me to trust you. How do you expect me to act?"

"I don't expect anything from you. I just don't know why you have to run off with Norman."

"He's just a friend."

Gary stands tall and crosses his arm. "I've heard that one before."

"Please don't turn him into another Jimmy."

"I won't, but you haven't laughed like that with me in a while."

I lean back against my dresser and sigh. "I just have a lot on my mind, I guess," I get out.

"Like what? Me?"

"Doesn't matter."

There's a long pause. The tension hasn't let up between us. Then, like in a slow motion movie, I see Gary take a step toward me. He places his hands on the dresser so that I'm sandwiched in between him, unable to escape. I frown up at him and he returns it on his face, but I don't resist when Gary leans in for a kiss. I close my eyes against it and freeze where I'm at, because I know if I make a wrong move I might be a victim of his anger. So I let him kiss me with his cigarette breath, because I need it. I don't know why he's smoking or why he's lying to me and it all makes me very distrustful of him, but I really need this right now. Maybe it'll help us patch up what's wrong with us right now.

But even Gary's kiss seems different. Too sloppy and too rushed, I mean more than usual. And he's being a bit..rough. It's also different because of his breath. I'm not used to it and I can tell, under all those cigarettes, that he's also been drinking. I find myself pulling away for short breaths of air, my head growing dizzy. If he's been drinking too it makes sense that he's so sloppy, but he sure acts like he's sober enough. I know, though, from past experience, how rough he can be after drinking, even after he's a bit sober. Gary gets upset when he gets drunk. At least, when he's drinking by himself.

I feel him tug on my jeans so I hesitantly help him pull them down, though I don't know why. I hate that I'm going along with this but I really just want to hold him right now, and makeup with him, especially since my bathroom problem has cleared up. But instead of getting to hold him Gary turns me around so that I'm up against the dresser, my jeans and underwear now straddling my ankles. I wince when I feel Gary penetrate me from behind. He's going too fast without anything to use to make this easier and he's being rougher than I want him to be. Is this making up or just sex? Because it sure feels like anything but love, seeing as I'm in pain from Gary screwing me. I grip the dresser tightly in one of my hands, then try to grab Gary with the other, but he pushes it away, obviously unresponsive to my affection. So I give up and take it as best as I can. I just want him to hurry this up because he isn't exactly being gentle. Every thrust he makes inside me pushes me up against the dresser, which in turn shakes it. The only place he's holding me is by my waist so he can thrust in better. And within a few seconds he's huffing his smoky, alcohol breath down my neck, spilling inside me. I know because he's suddenly holding me tighter and groaning in my ear.

Gary kisses my neck before pulling out and pulling his pants back up. Then he lays back down on his bed with a tired sigh.

I pull up my jeans and run a hand through my hair. What just happened?


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4 **

**Wednesday, September 24th 2008**

My math classroom is pretty big. It isn't like auditorium huge but it's way bigger than my old classrooms back at Bullworth, that's for sure. There aren't individual desks either. Instead there are twelve rows of tables and chairs sitting around the room, with each table perched up on a higher step so that they all ascend up the classroom. Four rows on the right side as one came in, four in the middle and four on the left. Norman and I both share this class so we sit together at the end of the third row on the left side of the room.

I hate the class but it's one of the required classes I have to take and, since I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do for sure now, it's fine. Norman's a whiz when it comes to it, though. He's always so engrossed in the lecture by our professor that he doesn't even notice when I copy his notes off his paper. I've gone through too much stress this past weekend to care about anything else. And thinking on that, Gary finally apologized to me about Jared being rude to me, but things are still tense between us. I can't put my finger on what's wrong, but I just know our relationship isn't what it used to be. Gary's skipped too much of his medication and broken promises. All that makes Gary meaner and more snappy, which he seems to be doing more and more now. I feel bad about thinking it but I'm starting to feel a bit detached from him. That's been happening ever since the incident, though.

_"Why do you have to be such a jerk to people, Gary?" _I had said to him.

_"I'm not a jerk. You're being a jerk by saying that to me. Just because I have different opinions doesn't mean I'm a jerk."_

_ "You're an opinionated person and the rest of the world doesn't care about your opinions so sometimes it's better to just keep them to yourself so you don't hurt people."_

_ "Oh great, here we go about feelings again. You say you accept me for who I am and want to help me but instead all you do is criticize me. I don't see you telling all this to Jimmy. He's got problems too."_

_ "I didn't mean it like that."_

_ "Then how did you mean it?"_

"Did you hear that, Pete? A test this Friday."

I snap my head up at Norman's voice, my mind still a bit lost in thought. "Oh, that's great, I'm sure I'll fail," I say.

"Don't be so negative. We can study for it together."

I smile at that. "It'll take a lot for me to remember all that."

Norman grabs his books and stands to his feet as everyone else files out of the room. I haven't even noticed that class has been dismissed. It's the last class of the day and I'm ready to be out of it. Just and hour of sitting down is more than enough for me. I wonder what Gary's been thinking while he's been in Geography.

"Would you like to go into town and get something to eat?" Norman asks as we make our way down the hallway and outside.

"Um," I hesitate, thinking about Gary. I told him I'd meet him back at the room so we could go get lost somewhere. "I told Gary I'd hang out with him. You can hang out with us too if you want."

"Ah, that's alright. I don't think Gary likes me very much."

"Why would you say that?"

"He told me."

"Oh." I bite at my lip and my face turns red. "Sorry," I say.

"It isn't your fault but I'm beginning to think that all Gary needs is someone to talk to."

I sigh and say, "No, he doesn't. I don't know what Gary needs, to be honest." A good punch across the face would suffice. "But anyway, I like you, Norman, if Gary doesn't.

"I like you too, Pete. Do you want anything from town, then? I'm going down to the Burger Shot."

"No, I'm good. Thanks, though."

"Of course." Norman salutes me with his right hand before turning on his heel and walking away.

I wave him off and smile as I turn for the dorm. So Norman is a bit weird and maybe he's a bit dorky, like me I guess, but I do like him. He's a good person. I try to forget about him, though, on my way up to our dorm room. A few boys on the hall say hey to me so I respond back. I'm not used to people being so casual with me. College is a lot different than high school, that's for sure. There are a couple of guys beside and across from us that talk to us a good bit. They laugh at Norman, not in a bullying way, but laugh at him because he says some funny stuff. Norman's more charismatic than I am and he's obviously good at making friends.

When I get to our room I find Gary inside, laying down on his bed in the dark. When I close the door and turn on the lights he growls at me.

"Turn them back off!" he yells.

"Okay," I say, and quickly turn them off. "You alright?"

"God fucking dammit, Pete," he says quietly now. "Do you have to be so fucking loud?"

"You sick?"

"Mi-graine," he says, stretching out the syllables.

I frown at that. I don't remember Gary ever complaining of migraines before. "Can I do anything to help?"

"No."

"You want me to sit with you?"

"No."

"Okay," I hesitate. "You want me to get you something to eat then?"

"_No_!" he growls.

"Okay, I guess I'll go eat with Norman then."

"_What_?"

I can't help but pat myself on the back for that one. I knew it would set Gary off. "I said I can go eat with Norman since you have a migraine and all, and since you don't want me to do anything, there's nothing else I can do but leave."

"Well what if I want you to stay?"

"What, so you can keep snapping at me? No thanks," I mumble.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"It means you're acting like a douche-bag to me, and to Norman. He told me you said you didn't like him."

"That's because it's true."

"He's a likeable guy, Gary. There's no reason to hate him."

"I didn't say I hated him. Look, would you just shut up? It feels like nails are in my fucking head."

I bite my lip and, instead of arguing, I take one of my washcloths from my dresser and make my way out of the room. I go to the bathroom and soak the cloth in cold water, then I get some ice from the ice machine down the hall and carry it back to the room. When I get back I turn Gary's floor fan on low to drown out outside noise and gently fold the washcloth. I place it on Gary's head and gently press my hand against him.

Gary's eyes are closed but when he feels my hand on his head he quietly asks, "Will you rub my temples?"

I'm taken aback when he asks but I respond by sitting beside him on the bed and place my fingers on Gary's temples. I gently massage them in a circle, hoping to ease the pain. "Did you take something for it?" I ask.

"No. I haven't been taking my meds."

Gary isn't taking his medication at all? I'm not really surprised but it explains his recent behavior anyway. I'll have to get on his case about that later but not now. Right now, I can feel the heat radiating from Gary's head. Right now, Gary needs him, because he's a big baby when he feels sick. Right now, I'm really loving this.

Tomorrow, Gary will more than likely forget this.

**The next day – Thursday**

The cafeteria isn't too crowded when I get out of class around 1:00 pm. It's wide and open and there are plenty of windows and doors to exit outside. The walls are red and white and the floor is hardwood. It makes the room feel warm and cozy, especially since it's raining outside. I'm eating with Gary today. We both have the same class together before we let out at 1, so we usually eat together. Both of us have kept quiet most of the day, though. Gary fell asleep last night as I was rubbing his head. We haven't really spoken much since, except for Gary meeting up with me and saying we should eat lunch together.

"Thanks," Gary says now, as we both sit at a table together. "For last night."

"You feel better today?" I ask, taking a bite of my soup.

"Yeah, a little."

I stir my soup around with my spoon. I want to talk to Gary, really talk to him like Norman suggested, but I know he won't take anything I say to heart. He always seems to turn any conversation we try to have into a fight, which seems to be happening a lot lately.

"I haven't had a migraine like that since I was a kid," he says, still talking calm and soft.

"Why do you think that is?"

"Who knows?"

I sigh and put my spoon down. "I want to talk to you about some stuff," I say.

"Here we go." Gary leans back in his seat and crosses his arms.

"What is it with you? Is it a chore to listen to me or something?"

Gary only shrugs in response.

"What, for once you have nothing to say?"

That makes Gary narrow his eyes at me. "What's with the attitude?"

"I don't have an attitude." Even though I say with a bit of one, I suppose, but I'm getting really sick of Gary accusing me of always having an attitude when his is the worst of all. "You've been acting weird lately," I continue.

"How?"

"Well, you just seem tense, like something's bothering you. You've been snapping at me more than usual, too."

"Oh yeah? Like I just snap on you all the time or something."

"I didn't say that. It just seems like ever since we got out of Bullworth you've been distracted or something. Maybe a bit.."

Gary stares at me, waiting for me to go on. "Well, spill it."

"You just seem a bit distant. Even more so since we arrived here. I don't feel close to you lately."

"I'd say we were pretty close the other night. What, that little fuck not good enough?"

I grit my teeth and clench my hands. This is becoming increasingly hard to do, just have a simple conversation. "You wouldn't even hold my hand why we were doing it," I finally reply, lowering my voice."

"We don't always have to be so touchy feely."

"You used to love that."

Gary picks at his food, which makes me think he's hiding something or I've done something to make him upset with me.

"Did I do something wrong?" I ask.

He looks at me, weary eyed. "No, Pete, you haven't done anything wrong."

I nod and pick my spoon back up. "Okay. Well, hey, Norman and I were wanting to catch a movie this weekend. You want to come?"

Something changes in the air at that moment. The space between us suddenly becomes tigther, more tense than I've ever felt. Gary's brown eyes are staring at me and his face is in a frown. I feel my face go red. Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned Norman, but Gary has Jared as a friend so what's the difference?

"Going off with him now?" he starts.

"No, we were making plans. I want you to come too, that's why I'm asking you."

"I don't like Norman."

"You seemed to establish that to him but haven't given any reasons as to why."

"Because he's a moron."

That makes me angry. "He isn't a moron. You just have to get to know him. Why do you judge people before you get to know them?"

He looks up at me and gives me an angry stare. "I don't. I Just assume he's an idiot because he looks and acts like one."

"You're being an asshole."

"What's new? I'm either a jerk, an asshole or a psychopath. What are you going to point out later? Will I still be an asshole five hours from now or a jerk for giving my opinion?"

I grit my teeth at that one, because it hits home. Because it's a reference to me telling him about how opinionated he was, which resulted in me getting a black eye a month ago. The fact that he's bringing it up now only proves that he isn't really sorry for hitting me, only still peeved at me for pointing out his flaw. "I don't need this crap right now," I say. I pick up my tray and dump the rest of my food in a nearby trashcan, then I make my way out of the cafeteria alone, but not for long. I hear footsteps coming up from behind and I know it's him.

"You want to know why I've been snapping on you so much lately?" comes his voice.

"Probably because you don't know how to take your meds," I say.

"No, it's because you've been on my case about _everything _all fucking summer."

"About what?" I stop when we come outside and stand to the side so no one can hear us. "What are you talking about?"

"'You really should try and write your mom over the summer, Gary'. 'Make sure you take your meds'. 'Stop talking smack about people you don't know Gary'."

"Oh what, and you're Mr. Perfect? Excuse me for giving a little advice."

"You haven't given any advice. You've just been nitpicking. Nagging. Getting on my case about every damn thing. You act like such a girl sometimes, I wonder if you really are one. And I don't mean in a femme-boy way. I mean, you act just like a girl."

"So you're saying the problem is me."

"Yes."

I look around and think for a second. "Everything is my fault, then?"

"I'm not saying that. Just that..a relationship isn't working out with us."

My heart drops into my stomach at that and I stand still. "What are you trying to say?"

"I'm trying to say I want a break."

I look away at that and focus my eyes on some people across the lawn.

"Let's just be honest," he goes on. "We don't work well this close. I don't like being this close to someone."

"Why?"

"Because it freaks me out."

"Does it have anything to do with last month? I told you Gary, I put it behind me-"

"You haven't put it behind you since you keep bringing it up," he almost laughs. "I get it, okay? I hit you, you're upset. Who wouldn't be? I admit, we've both grown up a little bit since high school. But not all of me's changed. You're more laid back and, well, I'm more high strung, I guess. I have to get my energy out and I'm not going to lie, Pete, I like giving other people hell just for the sake of it. But you, I'm better at giving you hell out of a relationship rather than in one."

"Okay," I say, crossing my arms. I look up at him. "Maybe we need a break."

He looks at me long and hard before he looks at his watch. "I have to get to my next class." His jaw twitches before he turns on his heel and walks away.

I continue to stand there for a long time, even after he's disappeared and I can't see him walking anymore. I don't go to my next class, either.

* * *

When I finally go back to our room around 5 pm, I find Norman on his laptop, as always.

"Hey, Pete," he says. "Where were you today?"

"Out," I mumble. I go straight for my bed and land on it with a thud. I want to cry but for some reason I can't help but feel a burst of relief at the same time. Gary wants a break? The same Gary that got jealous over Jimmy Hopkins for the past two years? The same Gary that had told me over and over how he would never hurt or leave me? I just can't seem to make sense of it.

"You okay?"

I look over at Norman. He seriously looks concerned. "Yeah, I just.." I hesitate, wondering how to tell Norman that I no longer have a boyfriend at the moment. But I won't beat around the bush. Norman knows about us so he should understand. "Gary told me we should take a break," I sigh.

Norman nods his head, not looking surprised. "What do you think?" he asks.

"I'm a bit upset but can't help but feel relieved."

"Sounds like you wanted a break as much as he did."

"I guess, but I feel bad about it. I still love him."

"You can still love him and keep your friendship at a distance."

"But I don't think I can be friends with him. It'll only hurt. I'll just have to distance myself from him until we start this back up again."

"Pete," Norman says, his voice serious. "This is it. Taking a break essentially means 'I don't want to be with you anymore'. It's basically a breakup, just in a reformed manner."

"But I still want to be with him."

"It depends on him, I suppose. Otherwise, enjoy single life."

"Has this ever happened to you?"

"Of course. I never last long in a relationship. I end up wanting too much space."

"I wonder if Gary just needs space. We did spend the whole summer together, and he's even een getting on my nerves."

"Then no doubt he feels the same way. Usually two people in a relationship start annoying one another. Could be small quirks or big flaws."

I sigh and look down at my hands. "Maybe this is what we both really need, then. Just some space, a break." But I still want to talk to Gary about it all. I only fear that if I do, though, it'll only end in argument.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

**Thursday, October 9th 2008**

"Okay, so how am I supposed to finish this story before tomorrow? I've only written two pages. It's supposed to be five-thousand words long."

"Just wing it. Make anything up," Norman says. He's sitting on his bed across from the TV, playing a videogame while I sit at the computer desk with a blank word document on the screen.

"I'm not good at storytelling," I say. "That's Gary's expertise. Too bad we haven't been talking, seeing as we have the class together. He could help me out on it."

"It's your own fault if you don't talk to the guy."

"I've tried to. It just doesn't end well. Our conversations are too awkward. He still manages to call me Femme-boy, though," And I have to admit, I like the name calling.

"Femme-boy - god, what _is _it with him calling you that? Is there some weird story to go along with it?"

"No, just that it's the first thing he ever insulted me with."

"You know, I've been thinking. For someone of his mentality, he seemed pretty stable when you were together."

"Well, he wasn't."

"Really? Because I've been studying him since I met him. All his symptoms point him to _sociopath_."

I freeze in my chair. "Why would you say that?"

Norman shrugs. "I told you, I've been studying him. Well, that and I took a look at his records."

"Wait, you what? How did you get his records?"

"I hacked the system?"

"You're a hacker?"

Norman smiles, his lips spreading wide across his face. "In my true form."

I shake my head. "So you looked at Gary's records? God, did you look at mine too?"

"Just briefly."

"Norman, you do know you could get into some serious crap for doing that, right?"

"I've never been caught doing it. No one can trace the source."

"Oh great, so there's a hacker at Tanner who happens to be my roommate and he's looking up everyones' profiles. Creeper much?"

"I do what Norman Rockwell does because..I am Norman Rockwell."

I roll my eyes. "Whatever."

"Well anyway, since we're on the subject of Gary, besides him being a sociopath, he's liable to kill himself."

I stand to my feet at that one and hover over him. "Why would you say something like that?" I snap.

"It's in his medical records."

A knot forms in my stomach at hearing Norman say this. "His..medical records?"

"Yes. I can show you if you'd like. I saved it for you. It's his patient records from his time at the asylum."

"I never told you about him being in an asylum."

"I know. It's right here in his records." He pauses his game and turns to his laptop, which as been open on his bed the whole time. When Norman isn't gaming he's on his laptop. He goes through a few files on the screen and once he pulls up a window he scrolls down a few pages until he gets to something labeled _Notes - Gary_. "Ah," he says. "Da da da, Antisocial Personality, da da. Ah, right here. 'Patient has a few behavioral problems, which include harassing others and becoming aggressive. Patient has attempted suicide four times since registered into mental facility."

I freeze where I stand. I can't believe it. No one from happy Volts had ever told me about any suicide attempts. Not even Theo. Gary himself had never mentioned it. And it had never occurred to him, either, not once. "I don't understand," I say. "Why would he do something like that?"

Norman shrugs. "Could be a lot of things. He never brought it up?"

"Never." I suddenly feel a bit anxious and wonder at where Gary is now. "You don't think it was because of me, do you?"

"Mm, not likely. There's a record of his early life here too. It says he attempted suicide before he was put in the asylum. He's started a few fires, gotten into fights, was publicly intoxicated at fifteen, used to wet the bed-"

"Alright, I've heard enough," I say. "It's not right to just talk about his history like that behind his back."

"It's okay, Pete, you're just learning about all the stuff he didn't tell you."

"Well he had a good reason for not telling me. It's still not right. I feel like I'm going behind his back."

"Alright, Pete, we don't have to read it anymore." He closes his laptop.

"I don't ever want to see it again. Just stop talking about him." I storm out of the room and down the hallway. I want to know where Gary is now. I haven't seen him all day and now I'm having thoughts of him laying dead somewhere.

I decide to go for a walk to clear my head. I dig my hands in my pockets and follow the lamp posts along the walkway. I can't help but think about Gary. If he ever killed himself I wouldn't be able to go on living myself. I would feel too guilty, as if it was my fault. I realize, as the breeze hits my face, that I have to keep an eye on him from now on. Maybe I should tone things down, try a different approach. This whole time I've been thinking I was the victim. A victim of Gary's bullying and insults and abuse. But I realize now that we're both the victims here and he needs help. I can't let him spiral down into suicide. That is, if he ever tries it again. I have to keep an eye on him, I have to keep him alive. If not for himself or anyone else, at least for me.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

**Friday, October 31st 2008**

"I understand you're both broke up, Pete, but do you have to stalk the guy?" Norman says.

"I'm not stalking him, I'm just following him."

Norman gives Petey a look. "Same thing!"

"No it isn't, I'm just checking up on him. Making sure he's okay."

Norman checks his watch. "Well I'd better head out. My mother is expecting me for dinner. Have a nice weekend, Pete. Oh and, try and stay out of Gary's way."

I wave Norman goodbye and he leaves the room. This will be the first weekend I'll be spending alone with Gary in our room since our breakup. He still hasn't talked to me, except for the occasional 'hey' and 'I need to use the computer'. In fact, he's kept his distance, which only worries me more. I wish we could just be normal friends. It's been over a month now since we've split.

"God!" I groan to myself. "I wish I could just get over him. I'm taking this harder than I thought. And now I'm talking to myself since there's no one to hang out with."

What makes things even worse is it's Halloween night, Gary's favorite day of the year. Not only that, but also the day of the first time Gary had made a move on me, which is really getting to me. For all I know, Gary could be blowing stuff up and lighting poop bags on fire for people to step on. All of that, instead of being with me, on a school bus, hiding from bullies in the parking lot of Bullworth Academy. Throwing eggs at the school, getting undressed out of that stupid pink bunny outfit.

I stand from my bed and look out the window. A lot of the students have left for the weekend but a lot of them are still on campus, most of them stragglers out of the dorms partying in town, which only makes me think of the party we went to in New Coventry. I know I gave him hell about it last month with his stupid friend, Jared, but right now all I could think about was what we did that night.

"We got drunk," I say aloud. "We had.._awesome _sex in that bed. Ran from the cops, I practically carried back to the dorm, he threw up on the way..God! Stop it, femme-boy, you're talking to yourself. And you just referred to yourself as femme-boy. You're such an idiot!"

I bite my lip and nod my head. I'm about to cry but tell myself to pull it together instead. Wherever Gary is, he obviously isn't thinking about me, but I sure can't help but think about him. So, to ease the pain, I do something I know I'll regret later. I take a couple of nighttime pills for a cold and go to sleep.

* * *

I wake up to the sound of someone coming into the room. It's dark so I figure I've been out a while. I shift in the bed, trying to see who's in here. I guess the medicine is still affecting me because the first thing I blurt out is, "Norman?"

The lights flip on and I groan from the sudden pain on my eyes. No, it isn't Norman. It's Gary, standing in front of my bed, looking annoyed. I raise my eyebrows and my heart seems to leap. It's Halloween, isn't it? Why isn't he dressed up? I look over at the clock. 10:30? As in pm?

"Gary," I say. "What are you doing here?"

"Well, I kind of live here, you know."

I sit up on my bed and rub my eyes. I probably look like hell, what with drool being on my face and being all hot and sweaty from sleeping. "No, I mean, it's Halloween. Why are you _here_ on Halloween?" My voice is a bit hoarse and I blink my eyes a few times to get fully awake.

"I just feel a little sick."

"You okay?"

"Yes, now leave me alone." He makes his way to his dresser and takes his watch off.

I bite my lip. Gary came back to the room, on Halloween. And he's talking to me. And we're alone. It makes my body react, because I know there are things we could do with each other since Norman and half the guys on our hall are gone.

"What?" he asks, looking at me.

I lick my my lips and look away. I can't look particularly appealing right now. I've got on gray sweats and a white shirt that's plastered to my back from sweat. Still, the way he's looking at me now is the same look he would give me when he wanted us to have sex. The way he cocks his head to the side, the way he's unbuttoning his shirt now.

"Um, nothing," I say. I want him really bad, so much my heart is literally pounding and my body is aching.

He turns away from me and looks around the room. "Where's Norman?" he asks.

"Gone," I say, then I add, "All weekend."

He seems to pause at that for a second before taking off his shirt, which unfortunately has another short sleeved shirt underneath.

I ponder on what to do, then I decide to make a move, because Gary may be too stubborn to break the ice. Sex might be the thing that gets us back together and I really want him bad, so I stand to my feet and take off my shirt as I head to my own dresser. "Cold out, huh?" I say. I rummage around my drawer for a long sleeved shirt.

When he turns around he bites at his cheek and looks at me. "No, it's actually pretty warm."

"Really? Pretty cold in here to me."

He responds by taking his other shirt off. "It's hot," he says back.

"We still talking about the weather or.."

There's a pause as we both stare at each other, half naked and a tremendous amount of tension between us.

"I was thinking," I continue, my heart racing. "You know, if you want to, we could just, you know-"

"Shut-up, Pete." Gary cocks his head and seems to rape my body with his eyes. He closes the gap between us and, in what seems like a frenzy, we touch each other like we've been separated for years. And kiss like we've been deprived. I tug on Gary's jeans and he responds by unbuttoning them and sliding them down his legs. He does the same to my sweats and then a few more clothes later, we're both on my bed, naked and huffing and touching and kissing.

Gary licks up my neck and I laugh. I notice he smiles when I do that and in turn that makes me smile. There's more to what's going on right now than just sex. It's obvious Gary's missed me and I've missed him too. Are we mending what broke? Does this mean we're not broken up anymore? I can't help but hold him against me, as if I lost him and just found him, but he seems hesitant to do the same to me and instead just seems eager to do something else.

"Wait," I say. "I'm not doing this dry."

"Hurry up," he huffs, and hangs his head down on my chest while I reach into my drawer beside the bed. We put a tub of Vaseline in there specifically for this so I take it out and pop the lid. I let him dip his fingers into the lube and he slicks us both up before going in. I throw my head back and twist my fingers into the sheets, because it does kind of hurt. It usually does if it's been a while. But I eventually breathe in deep and let him thrust into me at an even speed.

When he kisses me I smell that combination again. Cigarettes and alcohol. I wish he'd let me into that part of him that feels so lost and angry that he has to turn to drugs and alcohol to get by. I wish he'd let me talk to him. But Gary isn't a talker. Most guys my age aren't, I guess. I can't help it if I like to talk problems out. But right now isn't the time. Right now, I just want to be near him. His thrusts get a bit rough, but I don't mind it right now. Each hard thrust into me just makes me feel even closer to him, which is fucked up I guess, but I need it.

"Are you fucking that nerd, Norman? Huh?" Gary says breathlessly, jealousy dripping in his voice."

"No," I snap, almost offended.

He flips me over onto my stomach and continues to thrust from behind. He leans in close, his sweaty stomach touching my back, and places a hand on my forehead to keep me close to his face. "Good," he breathes into my ear.

I wince, because this position is a bit painful with the way he's holding me. I realize now, that this is how things were before we got into a relationship. And even though we're supposed to be broken up, I think Gary still wants me to be _his. _It doesn't matter if we're broke up or not, Gary is always going to be in my life, because of that one thing he told me a long time ago, that he's obsessed with me. I know it sounds creepy, but I can't help but be glad for this fact.

"It's better this way," Gary breathes. I can feel the sweat from his head now, rubbing onto my skin. "No love. Just sex. Just you and me. Pete," he groans.

My heart falls at hearing him say all that. Gary only wants me for sex and that's it. But I don't just want that. I told him a long time ago that that's what hurt me, and now he's doing it all over again.

"I didn't like the relationship thing anyway," he pants. "Friends with benefits is better, don't you agree?"

"Gary, please," I whisper. "Stop it."

Right now I'm trying to focus on one thing, and that's Gary inside me, but he's almost ruining the mood with the way he's talking. I've never felt him penetrate me so deeply before, to the point where my head is touching the wall. I feel him place his palms beside my head there and he pushes against it to feel me more. And just like that, with one hand still on the wall and his face buried in my neck, he comes inside of me. I raise up a bit so that I can get myself off too and end up collapsing on the bed with Gary breathing on top of me.

After a few minutes I push him off me, because he's really heavy and because my insides are burning from how rough he was. I put a hand on Gary's neck and try to kiss him but he pulls away, so I grab his neck and force him to turn back, where I kiss him deeply.

Gary responds to it by putting his hands on my face, which is what I wanted, and even holds me close to him for a second. But not for long. Within seconds he pushes me away and I land back on the bed. "No, not now," he says.

"Gary," I say, a bit torn.

"I gotta go, Pete. I have plans with the guys."

"Can I come?"

"No."

I watch as he pulls on his clothes. That sinking feeling hits me and I know it's my heart being ripped open. "So you just came here to have sex with me and that's it?"

"Pretty much. Hey, we're not together anymore, remember?"

"But we're still..friends, right?"

"Yeah."

"So.." I trail off, unsure of what to think.

"So what?"

"So what just happened was-"

"What just happened was sex, nothing more. Pete, don't you remember how it was back at Bullworth? We did fine like that, just sex and no relationship."

I purse my lips. "So what am I supposed to do then? Are you too ashamed of me to let me hang out with you?"

He rolls his eyes and sighs before looking at me. "No, I'm not ashamed of you. I Just know if you come to where I'm going, you'll come sprinting back here and start pouting, like you're doing now. You always wuss out on stuff."

"I do not."

"Whatever, Pete."

"Look, I know I'm a pretty boring person and yeah, I like to stay home most of the time and read or watch TV or play some games but..I thought-"

"Stop thinking," Gary half laughs. He licks his lips and hesitates as he sits on the bed beside me and pulls his shoes on.

I can feel the tension rising between us again. I get the feeling Gary wants us to be more, but he won't admit it for whatever reason. I look up at Gary, at his brown hair and brown eyes, and wait for him to say something.

"Later," is all he says, before leaving the room in a rush.

I purse my lips and lay back on my bed. At the time it was happening, I couldn't help but like what was going on between us, but now it just hurts. I can live with us being friends, but I can't take this messing around on the side. Not again, not like how it was in Bullworth. It was a bad idea that we had sex, though it seemed liked a good one at the time. Maybe I just set my hopes too high, on thinking I could win Gary back to me. But now, I'll have to win him back some other way instead.

**Saturday, November 1st 2008**

I wake up to the sound of thunder in the morning and groan at the noise. It always, _always _makes me think about that time with Gary at Bullworth. Last night was a real wake up call, because I feel like total crap right now. I realize now what happened last night was a mistake and now's the time for me to start thinking logically about everything going on or else I'm just going to wind up hurt, again.

So I sit up and bed and try to make sense of things as I look at Gary sleeping soundly across the room. We were friends when everything began at Bullworth. Then he made a move on me and we started messing around. We eventually had sex and I admitted to him that I loved him, and he later admitted it too. So we went out for a while, even though Gary never really liked me calling him my boyfriend. We kept our relationship under lock and key and fooled around some more. Then he started getting bored with me this past summer and then he hit me. And then..he said he wanted a break. So we broke up and then he comes in last night and..hammers me?

I bite my lip and look down. The more I think about it, the more my head hurts, so I get out o bed instead and get on the computer we share. When I click on the mouse I'm surprised to see a window still up. Not only that, but Gary's e-mail page. He must have left it open last night and forgot to close it. I lick my lips and look at Gary, who's still sleeping soundly. I know it's wrong to look through his e-mails but I'm curious about what he's doing behind my back. And since we're no longer together, it's not like it'll damage us any further.

So I do it, I start scrolling through them. Not just because I'm curious, but because I want to make sure he's okay and being safe. So I scroll through spam and school e-mails until I see one by Jared. I narrow my eyes when I see his name. Who exactly is this Jared guy? I take one last look at Gary before I open the e-mail.

_'sup,' it reads. 'I was thinking about what we shoud do for halloween and I have this awesome idea. we crash this party in town and let fireworks off inside. You cant bring that kid with you tho man hell just rat us out I know how guys like him are he hangs out with norman and that guy is seriosly gay. They probably fuck each other at night, okay man later.'_

I make a face. Jeez, what is this guy, five? He has more spelling errors than my 8-year old cousin. I scroll through to the last page and find another one by Jared.

_'hey man you gonna let a little shrimp like Pete hold you down? You gay or somethin? He looks like he gets raped weekly I know you said hes your friend but really dont drag him along. You told me already he wusses out of stuff and I dont want him to rat us out.'_

My heart nearly stops at that and my face grows red. I look at the date the e-mail was sent. _September 15__th__ 2008. _I furrow my brow. That was around the same time Gary introduced me to Jared. So it was all Jared's fault that Gary was acting the way he was? Or maybe not..Gary never cowered down to anyone. It doesn't matter, though. I'm pissed off now so I look at Jared's more recent e-mails and see one that was sent just before Halloween. This one has a message Gary sent to him in it, too.

_'Hey man, where's the party at again? I was so tired last night I forgot. - Gary'_

_ '6 pm Crystal Northcutts house. Man I am so stoked about next friday the party is going to be slammin.'_

I grit my teeth. So a party, huh? I look over at Gary. Two can play at this game. I'm sick of being his stupid toy to abuse. If Jared is one of the reason's we've broken up because he's more fun than me then I'll just have to show him how fun I can be by showing up to the party myself. Gary wants a thrill ride and I'm obviously not it, but I can show him. I can be a party guy, I can be fun. Right?

Gary wakes up at that moment so I quickly close out of the window and get up from the chair. As he sits on the edge of his bed, rubbing his eyes, I rummage through my drawer, trying to find something to wear. Then I turn to my closet. I pull my shirt off first, just to get a reaction from Gary, then I open my closet and look through my shirts. If all wants to do is tease me with sex then I'll tease him right back by not giving him any.

"Where are _you_ going?" he asks.

I shrug. "Just a couple of things I have to do today."

"Like what?"

"Just stuff."

"I'll go with you," he yawns and stands from his bed.

As much as I want to say yes, instead I say, "No, it's alright."

Gary stops in his tracks and raises his brows. "_No_?"

"Well," I say, turning around to give Gary a good view of my chest. "I was just thinking of going to the gym." The gym? I've never even stepped foot inside a gym in my whole life, what am I thinking?

"What?" Gary looks confused but he's also eying my torso.

"Yeah," I keep on. "Thought I'd try and buff up, you know."

"_You're _going to work out?" he says, looking me up and down. He throws me a crooked smile. "Femme-boy getting muscles?" He moves in close and pushes me playfully.

"Oh come on, Gary, I can't be femme-boy forever. That's all about to change. I'm going to buff up and see how the ladies like it."

Gary crosses his arms and cocks his head at me. "Alright, what in the _hell _have you done to Peter Kowalski?"

"This is all me, babe," I smile at him. I pull a faded green t-shirt on and some shorts. Then I sit down and pull on some shoes.

"Well don't you want to mess around or some-"

"No," I cut in. "I have stuff to do. I mean, since we're friends with benefits and all that now, we don't have to do that all the time now. Besides, I'm still aching from last night." I notice Gary purses his lips, as if he's annoyed, so I look up at him from tying my shoes. "What's wrong?"

"You're just..acting really freaking weird."

I stand to my feet and look up at Gary. "Well, I can't exactly adjust my height, but I can at least get some exercise at the gym."

"Oh, trust me, we can exercise in here. We've got all Saturday, without Norman."

"I thought you'd be hanging out with Jared. You know, since he's your new friend and all."

I see Gary's jaw tighten at that. "So that's what this is about. You're just acting all tough because I've been ignoring you. Well I'm here now, so let's spend some time together." He bends down to kiss me but I move out of his way.

"Sorry, plans," I say. "I can't just let you stick up my ass whenever you want to." I make my way for the door, but when I open it Gary slams it closed with his hand as soon as it opens.

"You're not going anywhere until you tell me what the hell you're talking about."

And just like that, I feel that sinking feeling in my stomach again. The jealous Gary is surfacing and he's pissed.

"You're femme-boy and I'm the psychopath. Did you forget? Because by the looks of it, you're too busy being a dick!" He slams his fist against the door.

I stand straight against the door and look him right in his eyes. "So I'm the dick? I'm the one ditching my best friend to be with other friends? You never changed, Gary. You were just a tease. And I was an idiot for ever believing you loved me at all."

He tilts his head to the side and I see an odd combination of concern and frustration in his face. "It's not like that," he says.

"Then how is it? God, not even a month here we break up and I can't help but think it's all because of Jared. Then after you tell me it's over you-you come back here and screw me?"

"You're the one that started it."

"How?"

"By taking off your shirt."

"You were taking yours off too."

His jaw twitches at that and he moves in closer to my face. "Yeah, but you were giving those looks you always give. Those looks that like you really really _want _something and you just want me to give it to you. The kind of look I can't resist because it's so damn inviting, because it drives me crazy, because I can't help but imagine what's going on in your head when you give me that look. The same look you're giving me now."

I look away from him when he says that last part. It's scary how much he knows me and it makes me think of how smart he is, so why is he hanging out with someone as stupid as Jared? I do want him, of course. I want him all the time. But that's over, for now. Unless he can stop acting like a loser and hang out with me again.

"I have to go," I suddenly say, and pull the door open and leave.

* * *

It's late when I go back to the dorm. I did go to the gym on the campus and it kicked my butt too. I stayed about two hours but only worked out for thirty minutes. I ended up sitting on the bench outside listening to my mp3 player. So when I get back to the room, I'm surprised to see Gary still there. I figured he'd have run off somewhere with Jared instead, especially after our argument earlier.

"How was the gym?" he asks.

"It was okay."

"You couldn't handle it, could you?"

"Yes I could, and I did." I rummage through my drawer and pull out a change of clothes. Without a word, I leave to go get a shower, but I make it fast because part of me really wants to see Gary. So when I get back I'm relieved to see him still in the room, but he's laying on my bed. I make a face at him. "Your bed is over there," I say.

"I know but I like it right here."

"Look, I know we did it last night and all, but it was a mistake. I'm taking this harder than I thought."

"Pete." Gary sits up on my bed and watches me as I put my things up. "Listen, You and me both know the whole relationship thing wasn't working out. Me saying we needed a break, that was me trying to break up with you."

"Yeah, I get that. Way to tell me two weeks into school."

"When is there a right time to break up?"

I shake my head but hold my tongue against my next comment. Maybe I should approach this conversation slowly since Gary is willing to talk about it calmly. "I don't know," I say. "Look, I get it, okay? A lot of crap happened over the summer and we got into a lot of arguments. I just..don't know if it's because of all that, because I'm just boring to you now or if..it's Jared."

"It isn't Jared."

"Is it someone else?"

"No, Pete. I told you before, we make better friends than romance."

I lean against my dresser. "So it is me," I say. "I'm sorry."

"Shut-up, it's both of us. We're just not..compatible, as a couple."

I lick my lips and look at him. "We seem to be compatible at sex."

"Well, yeah."

"And friends..sort of. I mean, we've made it this long, haven't we?"

He looks away at that and sniffs.

I tap my finger on my arm and finally say, "I just..can't help but still love you." He doesn't say anything to that and I don't blame him. He broke up with me, why would he still love me? I'm probably just being a weirdo by saying that to him. Still, though, it'd be nice if he at least said something back, like he at least cared for me. I feel the tears come to my eyes when he doesn't respond back and I eventually say, "Nothing? Okay, it's fine. I just wanted you to know how I still feel about you."

"Can we just stay friends?" is all he says.

"Just for the sex?"

"No, not just for the sex."

"Then what?"

"Because, Pete, I do like you as a friend, okay?" He says the sentence slowly and cuts his eyes up at me.

I look down but I don't argue with him. At least we're in the clear now. Gary doesn't want to be with me anymore because..he just doesn't want to be with me anymore. That's it. No explanation. I still feel like he's hiding something, though. Thankfully my tears go away but I still sniff because I was very close to it. "Okay then," I say. "Just a few things though."

Gary raises his brows, as if he's listening to me.

"No benefits, no sex. If you want us to be friends, I just want us to be friends."

He raises his chin at that, as if thinking, then he finally looks up at me. "Fine. Friends," he says, holding his hand out to me.

I attempt a smile, but inside my heart is breaking. "Friends," I say, and shake his hand, as if making a pact.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

**Friday, November 7th 2008**

"Okay," Norman says, cramming a mouthful of chips into his mouth. "We know this much. Gary is in transit to party and..so are we." His voice changes on that last part as he flips the dial on the radio to a different station.

"Yeah, well, he's probably already there, seeing as we left thirty minutes after him." I cross my arms and look out the window of Norman's car, which looks like it came from a dump somewhere.

"Eh, probably, but at least we won't get there before him."

"Norman, red light!" I suddenly yell.

"I see it, I see it," he says back and suddenly slams on the breaks. "Ha, did I tell you about the time a car was coming from my side of the road? It was about where that car is right there across the road and if I hadn't swerved and hit the guard rail I would have been Norman Rockbottom," he laughs.

"Great, at least I know I'm in safe hands."

"Yeah, yeah, but I did go to the hospital with a fractured wrist and broken neck."

"Perfect. I guess if we get in a wreck we can just be roommates in the hospital too."

"Of course." Norman messes with the dials again until he finds a rock station playing AC/DC. We listen to that station the rest of the way to the party, which seems to be bustling with people in and outside the house. It isn't crazy like a high school party, though. A few people are drinking and smoking outside, but they're mainly just talking and laughing with each other. I guess everyone else is inside.

No one notices us as we park on the side of the street and no one notices when we just waltz right up to the door and let ourselves inside. And once we're in, we're in. There's no turning back now, since we've come this far. There are lots of people inside, but it isn't crazy wild. At least not yet. Some people are sitting on couches and other furniture drinking beers and laughing while other people are by the stereo, playing music, which is where we are now. It seems to be louder down the hall but Norman and I just stay where we are for right now. I scan my eyes around the room to see if Gary is anywhere. I can't help but feel like a stalker for following him here, but I just want to show him I can have a good time too. I just have to figure out how the hell I'm going to tell him how I got invited.

"Norman? That you? The hell you doing here man?"

I look over to see Norman point a finger at a bigger guy coming near us. "Darius, fancy seeing you here," Norman says, as he does some kind of weird handshake with the guy that results in them snapping their fingers at one another.

"Uh, Norman," I say. "You know him?"

"Darius? Sure, we have English together. Didn't know you'd be here either. Someone told us about this place tonight so we showed up."

Wow, at least Norman's a better liar than me, and more charismatic. I'd probably already be high tailing it back to the dorm if he wasn't here with me.

"Darius, this is my good friend, Pete. Pete, Darius."

"Sup, man," he says.

I shake his hand and attempt a smile. I guess if anything, I can tell Gary this guy invited us.

"So where can we get some beers around here?" Norman asks.

"Follow me, beers back here." Darius turns around and Norman starts to follow him into another room.

I grab on his sleeve. "Norman," I say. "Why are you drinking, you have to drive us back to the dorm."

He shrugs. "Just one won't hurt. Trust me, Pete, it takes about four beers before I start feeling anything."

"Well, not me," I mumble. I follow him through a doorway and into the kitchen area, where some people have just cleared out. Darius hands us two beers from the cooler sitting on the counter, which is almost empty.

"Some guys went to get some more," he says. "But it's okay, we got another cooler right here." He flips open the lid of another cooler and I raise my brows. This is going to be a long night.

Norman and I eventually get away from Darius and, as we're standing against a wall looking around the living room full of people, I give him the rest of my beer. "Here," I say. "One of us has to drive home and it isn't going to be you since you've already finished yours."

Norman shrugs and takes my beer. Then he starts chugging it.

"Norman, what the hell? Jeez, give me your keys before you start getting drunk."

He pulls his keys out of his pocket and gives them to me, then he starts drinking again. That's when I see Gary come into the room with Jared and some girl. My eyes widen and I'm so surprised that I grab Norman, whom chokes on his beer and spits it out on his shirt.

"There he is!" I say, hiding behind him. "What am I supposed to do?"

"Jeez," he says, wiping the alcohol off his face. "I don't know, go to talk to him."

"No way, he's with a girl."

"Hm, this is very interesting indeed."

"I have to go, I don't want him to see me."

"Pete, you're the one who wanted to come here to check up on him."

"Yeah, and now I saw him and he's fine so let's go."

"Just let me finish this beer first."

I bite my lip at that. "I have to go to the bathroom," I say quickly, then dart out of the room. I look around for a bathroom and eventually find one, in the hallway. I bang on it but there's a girl inside telling me to stop banging. I look around, hoping Gary won't come this way. "Come on!" I yell. "This is an emergency."

The door suddenly opens and a tall, pissed off girl walks out. She gives me a look before leaving and as soon as I can I get inside and shut the door. I stay in there for about five minutes, enough for me to build up enough courage to face Gary if he sees me. Hopefully, when I get out, Norman will be finished with his beer and we can leave. It was a bad idea coming here. I don't know what I was thinking. Finally, after giving things much thought, I leave the bathroom and go back to find Norman, but end up finding him in the kitchen instead, grabbing another beer.

"Norman, what the hell? I thought you said we would go after you finished the other one."

"The night is young, Pete," he says, then laughs.

I notice something in his hand. "What's that?" I ask.

"A brownie," he shrugs, and takes a big bite of it.

"Where'd you get it?"

"Some guy gave it to me."

"What guy?"

"He was passing them around to everyone. Said they were made with _lo-ove_."

It dawns on me then. "Norman," I say, and grab his arm to keep him from eating the rest. "That's not just a brownie. It's got pot in it."

"No," he chuckles. "It's just a regular brownie."

"People don't just give away brownies with 'love' at a party unless they've got something in them, now give me that."

"No." He grabs his arm away and shields his food with his hand.

I sigh and put my hand on the counter. "Okay, I won't take the brownie from you," I say.

"Really?"

I can tell he's already drunk. Only takes four beers for him to get drunk my ass. "Really," I say back, serious.

He smiles at me and nods, then starts eating the brownie again, but I slap it out of his hand and it lands on the floor. He looks at it, then back up at me. "That wasn't nice," he says.

"I know."

"Go get me another one."

"No."

As we're both staring at each other, a group of people come into the room with a giant keg, so I pull Norman out of the way and we move into the other room. When we get into the living room, I can see things are starting to get crazy now. The furniture has been moved out of the way and the music is blaring really loudly. People are dancing and hooting and yelling out in the middle of the floor. I see Gary on the side of it all, his hands in his pockets as he drinks a beer. When I try to tug on Norman's sleeve to pull him towards the door, he starts jumping with his beer toward the middle of the floor instead.

"Shit, Norman," I say, and back up into the corner. How are we supposed to leave now? If I go into the crowd Gary will see me for sure, but I can't just leave Norman here. What if he gets himself hurt? I bite my lip and look over at Gary again. Jared is beside him, saying something, and he leaves with him into another room. I narrow my eyes at that, until I hear people cheering. I look over to see Norman as the center of attention in the room. My eyes widen as I notice he's got a shot glass in his hand, filled to the rim with alcohol. He downs it in one gulp and then howls into the air.

My jaw drops at that. We have _got _to get out of here before Norman stirs things up even more, so I quickly make my way to him and pull on his arm. "Norman, come on, we need to leave."

"No way," he slurs. "I'm just getting started. Hand me another one! Come on, bring it on!"

There's another guy beside him who's just downed a shot as well. And from the looks of things, I think they're trying to see who can down the most shots. This is not good, not while Gary's still here. Shit, shit, shit. I look around the room, hoping Gary doesn't come back. Then I look back at Norman just as he's just downed his second shot.

"Whoo!" he yells. The guy beside him downs his but doesn't seem to like it much.

Then someone pushes a shot glass into my hands, trying to get more people into the game. Two other guys join in and I have no choice but to down my glass. It's as I'm standing there, worrying about Gary, that I finally just give in. I came here to see what was up with him, but if I ran into him, I was going to give the excuse that I was invited, so why not go ahead and play the part? With that thought in mind, I place the glass on my lips and quickly tip it up. Somehow, I down the whole thing and make the biggest face someone will probably ever make while gulping down straight vodka.

The people around me laugh and a couple of guys ruffle my hair. Wait, what the hell? Did I really just do what I thought I did? I can't help but feel a little tingly inside, like I'm having..fun? Someone gives me another glass and I can see now that all four of us in the game have glasses. When someone says, "Go!" we all down our next shot. I gag after swallowing it. I'm not used to drinking straight alcohol. It makes my whole body tingle. Someone pushes another shot into my hand but I shake my head. I need to drive home if Norman's going to get drunk.

But when I turn around my head feels a little dizzy. I can hear Norman still howling. How many shots has he had? Four, five? I've lost count. Someone turns me back around and some of the vodka spills on my shirt. Are they going to make me stand here until I down it? I really don't want to but now a bunch of people are staring at me and yelling at me to down it. So I do, I down the whole thing under pressure. I don't want to look like a wimp to these guys.

Things go on that way for a while and after my sixth shot, I quit and turn away, trying to get out of the crowd of people. Norman has quit too, thankfully. I'm feeling the alcohol now so I make my way towards the hallway to go to the bathroom, because my bladder is suddenly really really full. But along the way I stumble and trip over my feet, only to have someone catch me and hold me up. "Thanks, man," I say. "Thanks." Then I look up to Jared and I try to back away.

"Pete, right?" he says.

"Yeah," I mumble.

"I didn't know you got invited this party."

"Oh, well, uh..Darius..invited us. Yeah."

"Us?"

"Uh, yeah, Norman and I, he's over there." I point to behind me and look over my shoulder, only to frown at seeing Norman dancing like an idiot.

"Oh yeah, him. Life of the party. He'll be fine, why don't you come downstairs for a smoke?"

"No, I don't smoke," I half laugh. The alcohol is making it easier to talk to this guy, but he's still hard to get away from.

Jared suddenly laughs at me and puts an arm around my shoulder. "Don't worry, it's just this one time." He drags me toward a door and then helps me as I stumble down some stairs with him. There are some people sitting around on some couches. One is playing a guitar, while a woman sits beside him nodding her head with a beer in her hand. There are a couple of guys drinking and talking loudly and a couple more people standing around. And then there's another person I notice; Gary. He's sitting on the couch beside a girl, the same girl he was with earlier. And they're both really close to each other. I don't know if it's the alcohol or what, but does she have her hand on his leg? As I come closer, though, I can't help but notice how blank his face looks, as if he isn't happy.

"Hey, Smith," Jared calls out. "I found something upstairs."

When Gary sees me his expression seems to change from blank to startled. "Pete?" he says.

"Yeah, hey..Gary," I mumble, and scratch the back of my head with my hand. Man does my head feel swirly. "What are you doing here?"

"Funny." he stands up and crosses his arms. "I should be asking you the same thing."

The people in the room don't pay any attention to us, except for the girl, who instantly pops up from her position on the couch. "Who's this?" she chimes in.

I swallow hard and smile at her. She's really pretty, and has wavy blonde hair and blue eyes. The kind of girl Gary deserves, I guess.

"My friend, Pete," he says, not taking his eyes off me for a second. "Pete, this is Crystal."

"Oh, hey, Crystal."

"Gary mentions you a lot, and any friend of Gary's is a friend of mine. You're so cute, too," she squeals and hunches her shoulders up.

Gary cracks a smile at that as he continues to stare at me. And his smile, god, it melts my heart. It really does.

"Thanks?" I say. "Gary's never mentioned you. You his girlfriend or something?" Alcohol really is your best friend when you're in situations like this. You never feel afraid to talk.

She raises her brows and grabs his arm. "Well, no, but we are friends."

I take a step back and stumble but Gary catches me by the arm to hold me upright.

"You okay?" he asks.

"Pete just needs a smoke is all," Jared intervenes. He hands me what I assume is a blunt, but I don't take it.

"Uh, no, it's okay. We actually have to be going."

"We?" Gary asks.

"Uh, yeah, Norman's with me. I have to go get him so.." I point a thumb upstairs and try to back up again, only to stumble against a box sitting on the floor. A few people laugh at me and, even with alcohol in my stream, I don't like it.

"Ha ha, yeah," Jared says. "That Norman kid's a hoot. I was wondering who was hollering up there. But he's fine. Come on, we'll start a game up of own."

"No thanks. I have to drive us home." I turn around to go upstairs and get Norman but Gary grabs my arm.

"You can't drive like this," he says.

"Drive like what, I'm fine."

"No, you're not. You're stumbling everywhere and you may not notice it but you're already a little off."

"I'm fine, really."

"What's four plus four?"

"Four," I blurt out, then I know I got it wrong. "Wait, hold on, I know it."

Jared and Crystal laugh at me and then Jared puts his hand on my shoulder. "This kid's something else too. Why don't you join us in a little game?"

"_No_," Gary says, and pushes Jared's arm away, which earns him an angry stare. "Petey, come on, I'm taking you back to the dorm."

"You just going to ditch me, Smith?" I hear Jared say.

"Yeah, I am. You got a problem with it?"

"No, it's cool, just didn't know you were a babysitter on the side."

"I'm escorting my best friend off the premises before he drinks more and decides to drive drunk, so fuck you." He grabs me and pulls me up the stairs. All I see when I look behind me is an angry looking Jared and an upset looking Crystal.

When we make it up stairs he doesn't say anything as he pulls me into the room where Norman's still at. He leaves me for a second and I watch as he goes to the middle of the room, grabs Norman forcibly and drags him back to where I'm at.

"Hey, what gives!" Norman yells.

"Where are your keys?" Gary demands.

It takes me a second to remember they're in my pocket so I pat at my jeans and then take them out. I jingle them in front of Gary's face, who snatches them out of my hand.

"Come on." He pushes Norman and I both out the door and we both stumble into each other and fall on the porch.

"Dammit, Pete, you're on my spleen!" Norman yells.

"Your spleen is an organ, there's no way I'm on it." I move off of Norman, only to be grabbed again by Gary, who pulls me up and shoves me forward. "Okay, okay, I'm going."

"You guys are such idiot drunks," he says.

Norman can't walk at all without stumbling so I have to put my arm around his shoulder. Gary does too, and my insides melt when I feel his arm touch mine so I take advantage of the moment by grabbing onto his jacket to keep myself walking straight too.

Gary finds Norman's car by unlocking it with the key pad, and when we get there he opens the back door and practically shoves him inside. "Just lay down," he says. "If you puke do it in the floor. At least it's not my car, otherwise you wouldn't even be in it." He closes the door and then opens the passenger's side for me.

I stumble inside but fumble with trying to get the seat belt on so once Gary gets in the driver's side he has to help me with it. Then he cranks up the car and drives away from the party, which is now gathering attention from nearby neighbors. No doubt it'll get broken up soon. It's quiet for a few minutes on the way back. My head is still fuzzy but since I didn't drink as much as Norman I'm not near as drunk as him. And since I'm out of all the chaos I'm able to think a little clearly now.

"How did we end up at the same party?" Gary suddenly asks.

"I don't know," I mumble.

"I think you do. You follow me?"

"No."

"Why are you being irresponsible?"

"What?"

Gary looks over at me for a second. "You rode with Norman and you decided to drink too? Are you stupid?"

"I hadn't planned on getting drunk. Someone shoved a drink in my hands."

"So that means drink it?"

"Yeah."

He shakes his head and mumbles something too low for me to hear.

"What?" I ask.

"I said this isn't like you. This isn't the Peter Kowalski I know."

God, I love it when he says my full name like that. I lay my head back on the head rest and close my eyes. I can tell, from the silence in the back, that Norman's passed out. I don't say anything else the rest of the ride, but I do let my window down for some fresh air.

* * *

When we get back to the dorm, Gary and I have to help Norman up the stairs and to the room, which takes a while because he keeps falling asleep on the way up. So when we get to our hallway Gary finally drops him on the floor and drags him by his legs the rest of the way to our room. He doesn't bother putting him on his bed, either. He just leaves him on the floor, then he takes my arm and leads me outside into the hall.

"Let's take a walk," he says, and pulls after me.

I let him drag me outside, mainly because I can still feel the effects of alcohol, but it's starting to get better now. The wind on my face in the car earlier really helped. We walk down the stairs and outside until we get to a part of the school that has some benches and a fountain on the lawn, where no one else is. We both sit down and are quiet for a long time, then Gary breaks the silence.

"I want the truth, Pete. Were you really invited?"

"No," I say, my head stuffy now.

"Then how did you know about the party?"

"Someone told us about about it, and said you'd be there," I half lie. I don't want him to know I read his e-mails.

"So you did follow me."

"Well, maybe."

"Why?"

I sigh and look down. "I don't know, I guess I just..well I miss you, you know?"

He puts an arm up on the back of the bench behind me and crosses his leg over the other. "We can still hang out, you know," he says.

"You don't want to hang out with me. Not really."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because it's true. You practically said I'm boring. You'd rather go off with Jared and that girl."

"Crystal?"

"Yeah," I say, playing with my nails.

I hear him laugh at that and he nudges my leg with his foot. "You jealous?"

"No," I snap, offended. I look up just in time to see him cock his head and give me that crooked smile of his.

"We broke up, Pete. I need some space to get over it. That means hanging out with other people, just like you and Norman hang out."

"Over it?" I look up at him and grimace.

"Do you think it was easy breaking up with you? I'm having a hard time with it too, Pete."

"Then why did you do it?"

"Because I'm just really confused right now, okay?" He stands to his feet and puts his hands in his pockets. "I mean, jeez. I already know I've got problems. It's evident from all the bottles of pills sitting in my drawer upstairs. You think I want people to know I have to take the damn things?"

"You didn't seem so timid about it back at Bullworth."

"We're not at Bullworth anymore. We're in college. And that was years ago." He takes a pack of cigarettes and a lighter out of his jacket pocket and lights one. He takes a puff and then blows the smoke out into the cold night air. "No, Pete, those days are over. I'm not going back to an insane asylum. I went into a manic state. I didn't even know what I was doing when I went batshit crazy at the school."

I lean forward and run a hand through my hair, thinking of the files Norman hacked that said Gary had attempted suicide four times at Happy Volts. "I know, Gary. It's okay, really. I don't want you to go back either, which is why I followed you to the party."

He looks away as he blows out another puff of smoke.

"I did it because I care about you. The break up was so sudden and then you just kind of ditched me for Jared. And then I smell cigarettes and alcohol on your breath. Dammit, Gary, I was worried about you. Not in a parent way, but because I love you. I don't want you to get hurt and I don't want you to do something you'll regret and have to go back to the nuthouse for."

"Well, smoking helps, for starters."

"Okay, fine."

"And alcohol too."

"You don't drink to have fun, though, you drink when you're upset."

He rubs his face with his free hand and sighs. "I know, but I have to keep calm somehow."

I don't mention his medication, because every time I do it just annoys him, so I bring up another subject. "That Crystal girl," I say. "Was it her? Did you leave me for her?"

"God no, Pete." He flicks off some ash from his cigarette and looks over at me. "I didn't _leave _you for anyone."

I let the subject go, because I can hear it in his voice that he's frustrated with me, and sigh. "Well, thanks for taking care of me back there. I mean, with Norman and everything. I'm a real idiot, I guess."

"You can be, but it's okay. I've got your back."

He looks over at me and my heart nearly stops. I bite my lip when I glance at his eyes, because I can't help but feel a deep aching in my chest for him. I hate that I can't express what I'm really feeling, because I know it'll all be in vain. So the only thing I can do is just look at him.

"Don't do that," he whispers.

"Do what?"

"That thing you do. Make yourself look so damn innocent, like you want something from me." He flicks his cigarette on the ground and stomps it out with his shoe.

"Okay, fine." I stand to my feet and turn to go, but he catches my arm and makes me face him.

"Wait," he sighs. "Do you want to grab some lunch tomorrow, just you and me? Provided you'll be feeling better."

My heart flutters at that and my lips form a small smile. "Sure," I say and look up at him for a few seconds.

He pulls back his hand and puts it in his pocket. "I guess we should go check on Norman."

"Yeah, yeah, he might wake up disoriented or something." I turn on my heel and make my way back into the dorm, Gary following right behind me.

* * *

When I wake up in the morning, Norman is still in the same spot we left him last night when we came back into the room, which is face down on his bed. His groaning wakes me up and then I hear him hurl. I make a face and sit up in bed. He couldn't even make it to the bathroom, but at least he made it to the trash can.

"That's what happens when you get wasted, Norman," I say. "Trust me, I know."

He only groans in response, then crawls back up to his bed and lays down again.

I get out of bed, noticing Gary is not in the room, and pull on some jeans and some nerdy game shirt I can't seem to let go of and my shoes, then I grab a bottle of Tylenol from my drawer. I give him two pills and a bottle of water by my bed. "Here," I say, and give them to him. "I'll go get you a coffee."

"Thanks," he croaks, taking the pills and water.

"What are friends for?" I smile and turn on my heel to leave, feeling a bit giddy because Gary wants us to eat lunch together today. I have to say, it seems to fill my stomach enough that I don't even feel hungry. Or maybe its all the alcohol I had last night, even though I didn't have as much as Norman. So I just get Norman a coffee at the cafeteria and take my time heading back up to the dorm, because I don't have anything else to do before lunch time and I want the time to go by fast. I know I'm putting too much hope into this, though. I keep telling myself it isn't a date, but I can't help but hope he buys my meal or drink, something.

I don't realize I'm smiling thinking about it all when I get back to the room, until Gary startles me with his voice.

"You sure are happy this morning," he says.

My frown leaves my face immediately. "Just slept well." I make my way to Norman and make him sit up on the bed. "Here, Norman, this should help."

"Thanks, Pete." He attempts a smile but frowns in the process and puts his hand to his head.

"You ready to go?" Gary asks suddenly.

I look at him and raise my brows in question. "Now?"

"Yeah, I figured we'd just walk into town."

I can't help but smile at that and look away. "Sure. Norman, I'll be back in a while. You want me to bring you back anything to eat?"

He makes a gagging noise and shakes his head. "No, thanks, I'll be here. Have fun."

With that, I say goodbye, grab my jacket, and follow Gary out of the room and out of the dorm.

We both sit down to lunch at a local diner in town. We both order a coke and some burgers with fries. I'm glad we can both actually sit down together as friends and just eat and talk. Still, my heart aches every time I look at him, and I have to stop myself from coming onto him several times. As we both sit there, waiting on our food, Gary asks me something that surprises me.

"What do you want out of life, Pete?"

"Um," I hesitate, a bit confused at his sudden question. "I'm not really sure. Why do you ask?"

"Just wondering. I mean, we're here, at college, trying to get even more education to get a good job, right? What do you think your life will be like when you get out of here?"

I put my hands together on the table and think a moment. "I don't know, I guess a job, a house, stuff like that." I pause and take a sip of my Coke for a second before saying the last part. "Maybe a family."

Gary looks up at me at that and his smile looks painful. "Yeah, I know you want a family. Who doesn't these days?"

I bite my lip and pick at a part of the table with my nail. "I guess it depends, really, though."

"On what?"

"Whether I can find someone or not."

"I'm sure it won't be hard. I mean, you're attractive, you're smart and you're all into the art thing, so no doubt that'll make girls swoon."

I laugh and look down. "I don't know if I want a girl," I say, and blush.

He raises a brow. "Eh?"

"Gary, I understand the the deal with girls. They're attractive, they don't have the same parts as us, they're just..real different. But to be honest, I don't think there's a girl out there for me. I don't know if I could ever..be with a girl like _that_. You know, being intimate. Because, well, I like guys too, maybe more..physically than girls. I don't know."

Gary's jaw seems to tighten at that. "Norman?"

"No, not Norman," I say harshly. "Stop thinking there's anything going on between us, because they're isn't. I'm pretty sure he's straight."

"Right. So, you want a family but you don't want a girl. Last time I checked, Pete, they haven't invented an artificial uterus yet. They can make you a vagina, if you'd like, but not a uterus."

"I don't want a vagina," I say, and look around, hoping no one heard me say that. "Ever heard of adoption? Or surrogate mothers?"

He looks at me straight and I can tell he's annoyed at what I'm saying. I'm just not really sure why.

Our waitress arrives right then and puts both our plates down. I thank her but all Gary asks for is mustard. When she walks away Gary doesn't look at me and just starts eating.

"Are you..upset?" I ask.

"No, why would I be upset?" His voice is cocky and snappy, which means he's upset, for whatever reason.

I sigh and start eating on my fries. I suddenly don't feel hungry anymore. We end up eating the rest of our time in silence.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

**Monday, November 10th 2008**

"I think Gary is jealous."

I bite my lip at hearing the words come from Norman's mouth. I told him about Saturday, when I left him here with a hangover to go eat with Gary, about how he seemed upset after we talked about me having a family with someone else and hasn't talked to me since. "Gary, jealous? No way," I say, my tone obviously sarcastic.

Norman sighs and places his hands on his knees. "But he's the one that suggested you find a girl, so I don't know why he would be."

"Yeah, but he didn't start sounding upset until I told him I didn't want to be with a girl."

Norman cocks a brow. "So he got upset when you told him you might want a family with a guy?"

I furrow my brows. "Yeah," I say. Then I remember something and look up at him. "Oh god."

"What?" Norman leans forward on his bed.

"Before we graduated this year, Gary asked me to marry him."

"Come again?"

I swallow hard. I hadn't forgotten, because it was something I was actually hoping for, even though I told him at the time that we couldn't. I was scared because it was so sudden. "It was..he didn't propose or anything. He just kind of asked me like he wanted us to one day. Then he told me he had had a dream. About..us, being a family." I don't tell him about him dreaming about us having a kid. It's too much to think about right now and my heart suddenly hurts thinking about it.

"Ah, I get it now."

"Get what?"

"Gary still..wants to be with you. I think maybe he's just confused right now, but he doesn't seem to like the idea of you with another guy. He hardly gets jealous over you with other girls. Only guys."

"But..he was jealous of me when Angie sparked an interest in me."

"Who's Angie?"

"A girl who went to Bullworth. She wanted to dance with me at prom and Gary got jealous and walked away."

Norman shakes his head at that. "Pete, I'm just going to tell you bluntly."

"What?" I look at him curiously.

"You're in a bad position here. Gary is clingy, obsessive and overly jealous, at anyone. Maybe more guys, which is weird, but girls not as much. Probably because he doesn't feel much competition with them."

"Well yeah, but not anymore than than the usual person."

"No, Pete. You don't get it. .Dangerous."

I narrow my eyes at him. "Gary's done things in the past, but he wouldn't hurt me..again. All that's in the past."

"Are you sure about that? He's bullied you, tormented you, harassed you, physically and emotionally abused you-"

"Just stop it, okay? You think I don't know all that?" I stand to my feet and stand at the window.

There's a long pause before he continues with, "Whatever you do, Pete, you're not going to get away from Gary. He might have broken up with you, but he's not going anywhere. He's going to stick around and torment you to your grave. Because he's obsessed with you. He could date other people, maybe even marry someone, but you, if you find someone to settle down with, he's going to sabotage any relationship you have."

"You don't know that!" I snap, turning on my heel. "You don't know Gary, he wouldn't do that!"

"Oh no?" He stands to his feet. He's the same height as me so he's not intimidating to me. "Whatever relationship you two have, it's dysfunctional. It's full of verbal abuse all around. Gary _will_ come back to you, sexually, no matter the situation, no matter any current relationship he's in. That's what some people like him do. They attach themselves to someone, obsessively. He knows you aren't going anywhere because you still love him, but any sign of you moving on is a direct hit to him. He's jealous of other guys because he knows one of them will take his place, and he doesn't like that."

"You're full of bullshit, Norman." I look up at him with my eyes, my face angry, and can't take anymore, so I brush past him and storm out of the room. Down the hall, down the stairs, and outside into the cold evening air for a long walk.

What I hate most about what Norman told me..is that I feel like it's mostly true.

* * *

I stay out too long, and I'm an idiot for going outside without at least grabbing my jacket, but the cold is numbing and that's something I need to feel right now. Norman's never gotten me angry at him before, and I feel a bit bad for shouting in his face, but I just didn't like hearing him say all that about Gary. I mean, I know he's obsessed with me and he always gets jealous when I start talking to someone, which is why he's so damaging to any friendship I have with someone. Of course it's always gotten on my nerves, but I was always willing to get past it for the sake of our relationship. Now that we're not together, I could easily start dating someone, but Norman voiced what I already feel and know: that Gary would intervene.

I cough a few puffs of white into the night air and rub my arms to warm them. I sniff, hoping I don't get a cold. Maybe it wasn't a good idea to come out here in the cold and walk for hours. I don't know why I have a tendency to do this, and it usually always ends bad. My body is shivering, but mainly from my nerves more than the cold. Why couldn't Gary just be normal? Why'd I have to fall for someone who's mentality is so far out there that it can't even function correctly? Than again, who's to say I'm normal?

My ears perk up when I hear something behind me on the road – a car is slowing down beside me so I look over to see someone roll their window down. I stop and look over at them, and my eyes widen when I realize it's Crystal, the girl at the party from Friday night. The one Gary was sitting beside.

"Hey," she says.

My lips twitch and my heart starts racing. "Hey," I say.

"Need a ride? I'm going back to campus."

"Uh-" I look around and take note of the dampness in the air, as well as the two mile walk back. "Sure. Thanks." I smile at her as I open the door. No one else is with her, thankfully, so I buckle my seat belt and settle back into the seat.

She smiles at me as she pulls away from the curb. A few seconds of silence pass by before she says, "You're Pete, right? Gary's friend?"

"Uh, yeah, that's right."

"I'm Crystal," she smiles. "I don't think we were properly introduced the other day."

"Uh, yeah, about that," I say, scratching my head. A nervous habit of mine. "Sorry about me and my friend kind of..crashing your party."

She laughs at that. "No worries. I heard you two were the life of the party. So what are you doing out here without a jacket on this late?"

"Just needed to clear my head and lost track of the time." I look ahead and hesitate with my next words. "How.._do _you know Gary? Do you have a class with him?"

"Yeah, Creative Writing. He's really amazing at it, too."

I bite my lip. _Amazing_? Gary's hardly let me read anything he writes. What makes her so special that she gets to read anything? "Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. He told me you guys have been friends a long time. Come from the same town and room together. You must be real close."

_Closer than you'll ever be with him_, I think, and then I hope that's actually true. Then my heart sinks into my chest at thinking maybe they're dating. "Yeah, he's my best friend."

"I can tell. He talks about you a lot, but you seem to always be busy studying. He says you're a bit of a study nerd."

I raise my brows at that, but decide to go along with her for now. "Yeah..I want to keep my grades up. My parents have high expectations."

"I think that's great. I like a smart guy."

Something about the way she says that doesn't settle well with me. "So, uh, are you and Gary going out?"

"Well, it's hard to explain, I guess. I mean, he _has _kissed me but I don't know what he wants. He seems distracted a lot."

"Yeah, he's like that." He kissed her?

"Like what?"

"Just..distracted." I start into a coughing fit, from the cold no doubt, but it only lasts a few seconds.

"You okay?"

I nod my head at her and clear my throat. We're running out of time since we're coming up on the campus, so I've got to try and get as much information out about her as I can. "I don't want to pry or anything but Jared, does he hang out with Gary a lot now?"

"Sometimes. He works at a fast food place in town when he can. Gary hangs with me most of the time."

"Ah." What I say next is hard to get out. "Well, if you ever want to hang out I'd be happy to. I don't study as much as Gary says, and I'd like to see some of the town soon."

"Okay, sure." She parks the car and seems to think for a moment. "I'm supposed to go to a movie with a friend Wednesday night if you want to come with us."

"Sure," I say, trying not to let my face beam up too much.

"Okay, meet you here in the lot at six?"

"Sounds good."

She smiles at me and I can't help but feel a little bad for hanging out with her behind Gary's back, but I want to know more about whatever is going on between them.

* * *

When I get back to the room Gary is there, along with Norman. For the most part, they get along. I don't think Norman is intimidated by him anymore, but rather annoyed most of the time. He also doesn't take his crap like I do. When I get inside, Norman is chatting with someone on his cell phone while typing on his laptop at the same time, while Gary is playing a game on the computer.

I shut the door, but neither one seems to really acknowledge my presence.

"Yes, I'm aware that the bill is late, I'm trying to tell you that I wasn't able to sign into my account last night because the site was having technical issues," Norman says into the phone.

I stand behind Gary and watch him play a few minutes of Call of Duty. "You need to take cover, you're right in the line of sight of the sniper. That's why he keeps killing you," I say.

He looks up at me, as if realizing I'm there for the first time, and growls, "Shut-up, I know what I'm doing."

"Okay, but I'm telling ya, you just need to take cover."

Gary turns up the volume at that, ignoring the looks he's getting from Norman, who now can't hear on the phone.

"Hold on, I can't understand what you're saying," Norman says, and quickly jumps off the bed and makes his way out of the room.

I turn down the volume once he leaves. "That was rude," I say.

"Who are you, my mother?"

I ignore him and make my way to my dresser. I'm still cold from walking outside so I pull out a long sleeved shirt and my flannel pajama bottoms and undress at the foot of my bed. I clear my throat a couple of times and end up coughing like I did earlier, because my chest feels tight. I take a few deep breaths. Sometimes the cold air makes my breathing a little harder. My asthma isn't as bad as it used to be, but it still flares up from the cold or strenuous exercise. I kind of had both tonight.

I pull on my bottoms but have to sit down because now I'm breathing a little harder through my mouth, a bit of a wheeze in my voice. I reach for my inhaler sitting on my dresser but when I don't feel it I look over to see it's gone. I stand up and stagger against the dresser, my mind a little dizzy.

"What are you doing?" Gary asks, looking over.

"Have you..seen my inhaler?" I breathe.

"No, why?"

I'm having to catch my breath now and I'm starting to panic. It's getting harder to breathe. "Gary.." I say. "I need..it."

He looks over at me at that, shuts his game off, and stands up. "Well, it's gotta be around here somewhere." He looks on the dresser where I've already looked, around it, under it.

I sit back onto the bed and can feel sweat beading on my forehead. My breath is coming out in short puffs and now I'm beginning to really panic as I feel the blood pounding in my skull.

"Pete!" Gary yells, then I see him start looking around frantically. He looks in my drawers, under my pillow, on the floor. I grab his arm and try to pull him down to me, but he pulls away and drops to the floor. He looks under the bed and reaches his arm under it, then draws my inhaler up from the floor. He hands it to me quickly and I press two puffs into my lungs. I breathe in deep and slow, then I do another two puffs. My breathing slowly comes back to normal, but now I'm shaking from the experience.

My eyes are closed, but I can feel Gary's hand on my knee. I desperately want him to hug me, like all the times my mom hugged me when I was younger and had an attack. They don't happen as often now, but they still do happen and it still scares me. "Thanks, Gary," I whisper. When I open my eyes I see him staring up at me and my heart seems to skip a beat.

"You okay?"

"Yeah. I'm okay."

"Don't do that again, femme-boy." He stands up and tries to ruffle my hair, but it comes out as more of a caress. "Keep that thing somewhere you can find it, like not on the floor."

"I know," I say.

He sits down beside me and his arm bumps against mine. And, noticing how cold my skin is, says, "Why are you so cold?"

"I was outside."

"For how long?"

"An hour or two, I don't know," I shrug. I try to focus on breathing now.

"Why were you out in the cold that long? You know the cold triggers your asthma. Apparently you forgot that episode you had."

"Aw, you act like you care." I try to stand but feel a bit weak so I fall back down on my bed instead.

"I do care, moron. I'm not letting you go anywhere, so don't have another attack."

He won't let me go, just like Norman said. And it's true. It doesn't matter if he's kissed Crystal, if he's broken up with me, if he finds someone else, he'll still never let me go, no matter what. What's bad is that I feel some kind of satisfaction from knowing this, as if the very fact that he'll be in my life forever makes me feel better.

I lay back on the bed and close my eyes. My shirt is still off so I know Gary is looking. We haven't done it in a couple weeks, but to think the last time we did do it wasn't that long ago, that we probably won't do it for a long time, makes me ache. Because I know, in the end, one of us will come crawling back to the other and the first thing we'll do is have sex. Maybe I'm trying too hard right now, with my shirt off laying beside him.

That's when I feel it. His fingertips. His touch makes me jump and I open my eyes and grab his hand all in a panic. Because my skin is cold. Because I didn't expect him to do that. Because it felt so damn good. He stares down at me and I release his hand and lay my head back again. "Don't," I whisper, knowing he likes when I refuse something.

He bends his head down and rests his forehead on my stomach. His hair tickles my skin there and my body melts. I feel his lips press against my skin and I bite my lip. And that's all it takes for me to get turned on. I know he notices, too. But I told him already, several weeks ago, that I don't want us to be friends with benefits. No sex. But it just hurts so much and I really need to feel him. I don't know if Norman is right about Gary being obsessed with me, because it's starting to feel like the other way around.

I let him trail kisses up my stomach, up my chest, and to my jaw. I love the feeling he's giving me and he's making my attack I just had better just by touching me. But when he gets to my lips and presses his mouth against mine, I suddenly think of Crystal, and how she said Gary kissed her. And I know how it feels to be kissed by Gary Smith for the first time. So I push him off me and sit Indian style on the bed and look away.

I can feel the tension between us again and I know a silent question lingers in the air. "You kissed Crystal," I say quietly, suddenly feeling bad for trying to seduce him if they really are an item.

"No, I didn't."

"Yes, you did. She told me."

"When did you talk to her?"

"She gave me a ride back here from town."

His jaw twitches at that and he sighs. "So what? It didn't mean anything."

"No? Because she seems to think it did. It's obvious she likes you."

"Well, I just figured I'd get a good bang out of her."

I make a face at that. "That's a shitty move, Gary. You know it's wrong."

"No, _you _think it's wrong."

"So you're just hanging out with her so you can have sex with her, then leave her?"

"Yeah." There's a pause in the air as he sits up on the edge of the bed. "I don't know. She's alright, I guess. I haven't asked her out yet."

"Maybe you should." I regret saying it, but I'm not going back to Gary unless he wants all of me, not just sex. "I mean, it would be good for you."

He looks at me funny. "Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. I mean..she seems a lot friendlier than Jared. Who knows, maybe we could even all hang out together or something."

I don't expect him to take that part seriously, but he does, a smile forming on his face. "Yeah, yeah, we should."

I attempt a smile before I scoot off the bed and grab my shirt. I put it on and walk abruptly out the door, without a word to Gary, whom is still sitting on my bed. I have to leave, because if I stay I'll break. I swear I will. This year has really been just..shitty. I knew being with Gary was hard, but all of a sudden being thrown into an adult environment has made us both distant.

I guess over the summer he annoyed me a lot, and I annoyed him too. Then he hit me and it sort of changed everything. I think he feels like he's going to do it again. And it sucks because of how long we've been doing this. Constantly hurting and expressing love for each other. He's like the vomit a dog goes back to, and that dog is me. And me? I'm just his plaything he's obsessed with, and it's confusing as hell. One minute he's professing he loves me, the next he tells me he wants to break up. One minute he says he'll never hurt me, the next he's hit me. One minute he's taking up for me, the next he's making fun of me.

And all of this, it just eats at me, and confuses me profusely. But I know what's to blame.

His mood swings. His lying nature. His ability to make everyone hate him or feel like shit. It's that brain of his that his doctor labeled as being suicidal and having antisocial personality disorder. And this..this is what I have to remember when it comes to Gary. That his thoughts are spontaneous, his actions are rigid, and his moods change from one minute to the next in a snap. He's shown me he's dangerous, shown me he's abusive, shown me he hasn't changed at all.

And yet.

I still love him.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

**November 12th 2008**

Gary stands with me in the parking lot as we wait for Crystal. After I told him about her giving me a ride home, I also told him she invited me to go to a movie with her and a friend. I think he got a little jealous so he talked to her in class the next day, and now he's going with us. Which, I won't complain, because she was his friend first. But still, I don't know if I want to see them together, especially since she seems to like him and they've kissed. But I guess since she's bringing a friend I can talk to her and won't have to be a third will.

As I lean up against one of the concrete walls in the parking deck, Gary glances at me awkwardly. I know he's thinking about what happened a few days, about how we kissed for a few seconds, how we almost did it, again. He's barely talked to me since then, but I try and act like it never happened. Instead, I just try and be his friend, even though my feelings for him have escalated these past few weeks, despite his confusing mood swings.

Gary sighs and folds his arms against his chest. "I sure hope she doesn't want to see some stupid chick flick," he says.

"Hey, you're the one who wanted to come too."

"Yeah, because it's a date."

"No, you were jealous and had to invite yourself."

He narrows his eyes that. "She said she was going to ask me anyway, so I gladly agreed to go."

I make a face and look away, as if defeated, but I know Gary sort of invited himself. Of course I don't know why Crystal didn't invite him in the first place. Maybe it wasn't meant to be a date?

A few seconds later I hear a female talking, followed by a male laughing. Then I see Crystal, but her friend with her isn't a girl like I thought, but a guy. He looks a little older than me and Gary, but he's tall, cut and blonde. My stomach gets a weird feeling when I look at him, so I bite my lip and will it away.

"Hey, Gary, hey Pete," Crystal says enthusiastically. "This is Dylan. He's going with us too."

"Hey," I smile, and when I shake his hand I blush and my skin tingles, so I quickly take it away and take a step back. Why did I just blush?

Gary nonchalantly shakes his hand, then we all pile into Crystal's car. Gary and I take the back seat, while Crystal and Dylan take the front. Once we pull out of the space and out of the lot, Crystal is already talking.

"So we were discussing what we wanted to see on our way here and Dylan suggested something we all want to see," she says.

"Um," I start, looking over at Gary, but he just shrugs, as if he doesn't care. "Doesn't matter to us. Anything is fine. Gary actually likes chick flicks."

"Do not," he says, and kicks me with his shoe.

I stifle a laugh, but Dylan turns around in his seat to look at us. "I'm not big on chick flicks either," he says, laughing. "But I'm a total geek for anything fantasy or science fiction."

"Me too," I say.

I see Crystal look at me in her mirror and smile. "Dylan is a _total_ geek," she laughs.

"I guess I play too much World of Warcraft for Crystal's liking."

"Well, there's nothing wrong with that," I smile.

"Of course not," Gary intervenes. "But Pete here isn't just a fantasy geek, he's the dorkiest guy you'll ever meet."

"Gary!" Crystal says.

"He knows it's true, don't you Petey?"

I look at him in surprise, wondering why he would pick on me in front of them. "I am a bit of a dork, but Gary hangs around me so I must be some fun."

Both Dylan and Crystal laugh at that, but Gary just rolls his eyes.

And I get it. He doesn't like that I'm the one getting the attention right now.

"What would _you _like to see, Pete?" Dylan asks. His voice is more cheery than the other guys I know, and he strikes me as a bit..well, I don't want to jump to conclusions, but his personality is very flamboyant. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

"Well, um," I hesitate. "I don't really care what we see."

"That makes things more difficult," Crystal laughs. "We'll just check what's playing when we get there."

"So what kind of music do you like, Pete?" Dylan asks suddenly.

I'm surprised when he asks, so it takes me a few seconds before I say, "Anything, really. Rock, country, pop, you name it."

"I'm the same, but I'm currently into punk bands right now, and a few locals."

"Oh yeah? Me too, I've been checking out some of the local bands around here online."

"Really? Well, have you heard of the band Death To Us?"

My eyes widen when he asks, because I know the band. I had just looked them up a few weeks ago. "Yeah!" I say excitedly. "I thought I was the only one who knew who they were, ha!"

"Small world," Gary mutters, but both of us ignore him as we start talking about the different songs we like.

"Johnny's voice is so..ugh, I just love it. I'm sick with envy," Dylan exclaims.

"I know what you mean, it's pretty unique. And I found out the drummer goes to Tanner."

"Interesting."

"Yeah, they're pretty cool, but I like the songs when Johnny incorporates the keyboard in it somehow."

"I play piano, too," Gary cuts in.

"Oh, how nice," Dylan says. "You should play something for Crystal next time you're at her house. She's got a big piano she plays."

Crystal smiles, then looks in the mirror at Gary, and I can see it on her face. How much she likes him. And I see Gary glance back at her, and even if he doesn't smile back, I know he's thinking about doing to her what he told me earlier.

"They're supposed to play at the Moxy Venue in town next Friday if you want to go."

I look up at Dylan, just hearing the tail end of his sentence. "I'm sorry?" I say.

"They're going to be at the Moxy in town on Friday. Would you like to go?"

I feel something stir in my chest when he says that. He sure is friendly, _too _friendly. I look at Crystal and see her smile at me in the mirror again. Then I look over at Gary, whom doesn't look happy, at all. He's acting like his usual jealous self so I say, "Sure, I'd love to."

"Aren't you going to your mom's house next weekend?" Gary asks.

"No, I'm going the weekend after for Thanksgiving."

"Well I thought you had to see your dad too."

I look over at him and see he looks pissed now, so I think of something to release the tension. "No, but you can come with me if you want to see my dad the weekend after."

"Sure, yeah, whatever." He looks away and I see Crystal and Dylan exchange a look with each other.

I bite my lip and hope for the ride to end soon, which it does within a few minutes. Once we park in the town square, we all walk down to the movie theater. Gary and I look at the posters mounted along the building to see what we want to watch.

"The only thing that looks worth watching is that Trail of Blood over there," Gary says, strolling up beside me.

"We could see The Transporters. It's supposed to be a sci-fi thriller," Crystal says.

"No way, let's see a horror."

"There's a comedy called Hay Fever," Dylan intervenes. "But I don't mind sci-fi either."

"Same," I say. "Doesn't matter."

"Well, why don't you two see the comedy and me and Gary will watch the horror."

"No, that's fine," Gary says loudly, suddenly shutting us all up. "I'll watch the sci-fi." He attempts a smile but I know he's only doing it because he doesn't want me alone with Dylan. Which is weird. We just met. It's not like I like him or anything.

Gary buys Crystal's ticket, like I thought he would, and she seems a bit happy about it, but I can't help but think about what Gary said to me about just wanting to have sex with her and that's it. It makes me feel bad for her, but also a bit glad he isn't serious about her. I don't see Gary ever being serious with anyone, aside from me. And even then we didn't seem to last long. Gary doesn't know what he wants, that's the problem.

Once we get inside the theater we all find seats toward the middle. Crystal sits on the end, Gary sits beside her, I sit beside Gary, and Dylan sits beside me.

"Hey, Pete," Dylan says to me. "You want some of my popcorn? I'm not going to eat it all."

"Sure, thanks." I help myself to the big bucket Dylan got for himself, even though I already got a candy bar at the concession stand.

"So where you from, Pete?" he suddenly asks, as we wait on the movie.

I take a sip of my drink before saying, "New Hampshire. Gary and I kind of grew up in school together."

"Oh, so Gary's from there too?"

"They're roommates, Dylan," Crystal intervenes.

He raises his brows at that. "Oh, okay, that's right."

"Yeah, us and Norman," I say.

"Norman Rockwell, the guy named after the painter? Yeah, I've spoken with him before." He pops some popcorn in his mouth.

"You have?"

"Yeah, he's a nice guy, like you." He flashes me a smile and I'm thankful for the dim lights because I can't help but blush.

Gary perks up at that. "Petey's _too_ nice," he says. "He usually lets people walk all over him."

There's an awkward silence after that, followed by my sudden urge to punch him in his face "Gary," I say. "Can I talk to you outside a sec?"

"Sure, whatever." He stands up quickly and follows me out of the theater.

When we get out of the building and out in the cold I walk to the side and sigh. "What's with you?" I ask him.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"You're being rude to me, in front of Dylan and Crystal. They both think you're being rude too."

"Well, I'm not the one flirting with you, now am I?"

"What are you talking about?"

Gary purses his lips and looks away, as if he's annoyed. "Dylan, Pete. He's flirting with you because he's even gayer than you are. It's not that hard to figure out."

"God," I say. "You think he's flirting with me? I mean, yeah, I figured he was a little on the gay side but there's obviously nothing wrong with that, and I didn't think he was flirting with me, just being friendly."

"News flash, Pete, the guy is gay, and it's obvious Crystal thinks you are too. Why else do you think she invited just _you _and _him_? Why do you think she invited me _after _the fact that I brought it up to her before?"

"Whatever."

"Don't whatever me, that's the truth. And if you honestly think that guy isn't flirting with you, check again. He's already asked you out and he's sharing his food with you and smiling at you all in that stupid little_ affectionate _way."

"Get a grip, he's just being nice."

"You're eye candy, Pete, maybe not to all girls because of your," he pauses to look down at me. "_physique_, but you're easy on the eyes to any other gay guy out there. They want an innocent little twink like you."

"Shut-up, man. You know I don't like you teasing me about my height. You know I _hate _that."

He shrugs. "Just stating an obvious fact."

"Okay, well what's so wrong if he is flirting? What if we do go on a date?"

He pauses at that and I can see him clench his teeth. "I don't want him to take advantage of you."

"What, like you? You mean like how you broke up with me for a bullshit reason and still wanted us to be friends with benefits? You mean taking advantage like that? Or like you taking advantage of Crystal?"

"I didn't mean it like that."

"Of course not. You know, I'm beginning to think you just don't want me to be happy, because you can't stand seeing me be happy with anyone else but you. But you know what, Gary? You're the one that broke us up, so you can just deal with it if I start dating someone else. I'm not the same person I was back at Bullworth, and I refuse to let you treat me like shit." I turn on my heel at that and make my way back into the theater.

And man does it feel good to get that off my chest to Gary, about how he's been treating me like shit for months now, no, since I've known him, about how he if he's the one that wanted us to break up, he needs to be able to handle when I date someone. It can't be okay for him but not okay for me. At this point I don't even know what I want. I don't know, now, if I want to try and get him back or if I just want him to leave me alone, but right now, I just want him to leave me alone.

When I come back to the theater, the previews for the movie has already started, but Crystal asks if everything is okay, because Gary doesn't come back right away with me.

"Yeah," I say. "We just..spend too much time together, I guess."

"Well, if you ever need to hang out with someone I'm not that far away," Dylan whispers from beside me.

"Thanks." I smile at him and he winks at me, which makes makes my stomach feel funny, almost like..butterflies.

When Gary finally comes back he doesn't look at me or talk to me at all. I think Crystal can sense the tension, too. Lucky for all of us, the movie starts so we don't have to keep dealing with Gary's immature bullshit.

And boy how thankful I am to be busy watching a screen for the next two hours.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

**Friday, November 21st 2008**

I'm a little nervous as I wait for 6 o'clock to roll around. That's what time I'm supposed to meet Dylan to go to the concert. Gary, surprisingly, has been talking to me a little more, but he hasn't mentioned the concert at all. The only reason I can think of is that whatever I said to him must have gotten to him. Maybe he's taking what I said and putting it to good use and letting me be. Besides, it isn't like I'm going 'out' with Dylan. It's just hanging out, even if he is into guys..

"I think it's good you're going out with someone, Pete," Norman says from his bed.

I roll my eyes at him. "Norman, for the third time, I am _not_ going out with the guy. We both happen to like the same band so he asked."

"Okay," he says, raising his brows.

I shake my head and sigh. "You and Gary both are being ridiculous about this." Gary was ridiculous when we were at the theater, accusing the guy of flirting with me, and now Norman is being ridiculous for saying tonight is a date.

But still, my heart seems to hammer against my chest as I think about meeting up with him and I don't really know why. I guess because I'm just finally happy I'm meeting new friends. That's gotta be what it is.

"Well, just know that if he buys your ticket it's a date."

I ignore him this time and look at the clock. It's just 5:15 but I don't want to be stuck in this room with Norman for the next thirty minutes listening to him tell me about how it's a date when it's not. Then, when I think it can't get any worse hearing him ramble on, Gary comes in the door, just the person I needed to see right before I hang out with Dylan. And, of course, he's got that dumb jealous look on his face.

"Still here?" Gary asks. "I thought you'd be off with your boyfriend by now."

I growl at that, finally fed up. "Oh my god, you guys! For the last time, it isn't a date, I am just hanging out with a new friend!"

"If he buys your ticket it's a date," Gary says, crossing his arms.

"That's exactly what I said," Norman said, smiling.

And for some reason, Gary gives Norman a high five for that, and both boys nod in approval. I don't know what's more shocking, the fact that Gary gave Norman a high five or the fact that he's actually getting along with him.

"Well, just so you know, I've got my own money, so I'm buying my own ticket."

"_You_? Buy a ticket? You know you're the bitch of this date, right? So you know you'll cower down when he offers to buy your ticket and you'll let him do it."

I purse my lips at that. He's making me really angry now, assuming he knows what I'm going to do. "What's it to you, anyway? I thought I told you to butt out of my personal life if I'm not allowed in yours."

"I never said I wanted you to butt out of my personal life. I just don't want to see you get taken advantage of. You know that guys three years older than you, right?"

"So what? Crystal's older than you."

"She still can't drink, like your boyfriend."

"He's not my boyfriend!"

Gary takes a step closer and looks down at me, his arms crossed. "I know his type, he preys off of innocent boys like yourself."

"Wow, that's funny coming from you," I practically laugh.

"Look," he says seriously. "I know you think I'm just being jealous, but I've been thinking about what you told me last Wednesday, about me letting you date whoever without me getting involved. And I agree, alright? I'm the one who broke us up, I need to give you your space. But this guy, I've asked a couple of guys about him and they told me he likes to do a lot of fishing around here if you know what I mean."

"Guys," I hear Norman say, but I ignore him.

"Well then I don't have anything to worry about because I don't like him and I'm not going out on a date with him."

"Pe-te," he groans. "You're so difficult to talk to sometimes."

"Gu-ys," Norman says again.

I laugh at that. "_I'm _difficult to talk to? You're the one that broke up with me for some lame reason, and I'm the one that's difficult to talk to-"

"Guys!" Norman yells this time and both of us look at him.

Norman looks at us, his brows raised, and shakes his head. "You two are absolutely ridiculous. You act like an old married couple arguing over the dumbest little thing. Your relationship with each other is unhealthy and completely co-dependent, which can be mentally and physically damaging. Gary feels the need to protect you and you feel the need to make him happy. Any romantic relationship you two have had, it doesn't matter, because in the long run you both depend on the other in some way, be it friendship, sex, money, comfort and even abuse. Not only that but-"

"Shut-up, Norman!" Gary and I say in unison.

Norman raises his hands up at that and stands to his feet and leaves the room.

Once he's gone the air grows silent as Gary and I look down. I look down at my watch and see it's 5:30 now, so I brush past him and leave without a word.

* * *

When I get to the parking lot, Dylan is already there. I greet him, then get in his car and we make our way into town just like we did last week. The drive starts out a bit slow at first, just small talk about dorm life and the weather. I don't know what to say to him, but I'm not really sure why. I also don't know why my palms are sweating or why I feel so nervous.

"So what are you majoring in, Pete?" he asks when I grow quiet.

"Um, well, I had thought about game engineering, but I don't know now. You seem to change your mind up a bit when you get into college."

He laughs at that. "Yeah, that's true. I was all about biology when I got here, but now I'm going for journalism, out of all things."

"Yeah, I think Gary's the same way. He wanted to be a doctor, well, he wanted to work on autopsies, but now I think he's considering writing a book or something."

"He's an interesting fellow, Gary."

"Yeah, I'm sorry, he can be a bit forward at times."

"No need to apologize, it isn't your fault." He flashes me a smile and I blush.

I bite my lip. Why do I feel hot? I don't know if I'm liking this. Thankfully, we come to the venue soon enough and park. We both make our way to the outside, where a line has already started forming.

"Must be a pretty good venue to be this crowded this early," I say.

"Yeah, they get a lot of good local bands here. Some from out of state, too. It also helps that the students around here advertise the place."

We wait in line for about five minutes, which isn't bad. When we get to the window I reach in my pocket to grab my wallet, but by the time I get it out, Dylan has already told the guy admission for two and gives him some cash before I can say anything.

I swallow hard, suddenly feeling something stir in my chest.

_If he buys your ticket it's a date_, both Gary and Norman had told me, and like a fool in denial I refused to believe them. But there's no mistaking the tickets he's holding, no mistaking the smile he's flashing at me now, that we're on a date.

And that gives me a feeling I haven't felt in a really long time. A feeling like I'm floating on air, like my head is all fuzzy and I can't think straight.

"You want something to eat? They have pretty good food here," Dylan says to me.

I nod my head and smile faintly at him, still feeling faint myself. And if I was still in denial about the tickets, him buying my food is what takes the cake. I don't know how I could have been so stupid to sit there and deny all week that he asked me out on a date. But then it makes me think, is it that obvious that I like guys?

I seem to be in a cloud the entire time he orders our food to when we sit down and start eating, and I don't snap out of it until we're sitting down and he looks at me and asks, "Are you okay?"

I look up at him and smile. "Yeah," I say. "Just, large crowds make me a little nervous."

He gives that big smile of his again and my insides seem to melt. "Don't worry, I won't let anything happen to you."

I laugh and take a bite of my pizza, wanting to believe him, but it's hard for me to put my trust into someone else after being with Gary. After the verbal and physical abuse, after the lying and bullshit, I just don't know what to do. And I still don't know what to do about this date, because I still have feelings for Gary, even with these new feelings taking over me now.

"They start in about twenty minutes if you want to head on inside when we're done."

"Yeah, that's fine," I say. I hurry up with my pizza and then follow him inside to one of the three rooms they have for bands. There are a lot of people standing up near the stage and, despite me not wanting to be around a large crowd, I follow Dylan up there. And the longer we stand there and wait, the more other people start piling in behind us, which makes me nervous.

I don't want to, but I start feeling claustrophobic and short of breath so, not wanting another episode to happen, I take out my inhaler – which Gary insisted I take out with me from now on – and press a puff into my lungs. I think it's more anxiety than anything, being in this large crowd.  
"Hey, you okay?" Dylan touches my shoulder and gestures at my inhaler.

"Yeah, man, I'm sorry, I just short of breath sometimes."

"It's okay. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have assumed you wanted to be up here. You want to move back?"

I look back for a second, then shake my head. "No, I'm fine, really."

"Okay, just let me know if you need some air."

I nod, then the lights go down and everyone starts cheering.

"This is the opening band, Sinister," Dylan yells to me.

As soon as the band comes on and the crowd gets into it, I start feeling a little nervous. I've never been to a concert before, not even at a small venue like this. So I can't help but feel anxious and a bit dizzy, but I don't let it get to me, because I think..I might like Dylan a little bit. He's way nicer than Gary, that's for sure.

The opening band plays for about thirty minutes, then another band comes on, but I go to the bathroom during that one to clear my head and pee. My heart is pounding fast when I get inside the stall and for a second I take out my cell phone and consider texting Gary. I don't know why, I just know we ended on bad terms earlier and I hate walking out mad at him. So I let my finger hover over his name in my contacts, and look at his picture on the screen – a picture of him with sunglasses on making an Elvis look with his lips. I smile at the picture and bite my lip. I remember taking the picture. We were outside at my pool and had Led Zeppelin playing on his CD player. He's the one that got me into rock music. So now I'm out on a date with another guy, looking at Gary's picture, who is the reason I'm here now.

How messed up.

I snap my phone shut and put it back away in my pocket. I don't just have a picture of him in those sunglasses. I have over a hundred pictures of him posing in some way, some of myself, some of me and him together, but I haven't gotten one since we've been in college. I actually haven't taken a picture of him since the day he hit me, which is why the one of him in the sunglasses is what shows up when he calls. Because it's the most recent one.

I need to stop thinking about Gary now, so I finally leave the stall and go back into the room, where the the last band has just finished up.

Dylan nudges me and asks, "Do you want a beer or anything? I don't mind getting you one."

"Oh, no, I'm okay, thanks, though."

"You sure? You were the life of the party at Crystal's before."

I frown at that and look away. "You were there?"

"Yeah, everyone saw you and Norman there."

"Man," I mumble. "I feel like a moron."

"Oh shit," he laughs. "No, no, I'm not making fun of you. I was really impressed with you taking all those shots that night."

I raise my brows. "You were?"

"Yeah, man, like I said. Life of the party."

I smile at that. I was sure he was making fun of me, like Gary, but he wasn't and that brightens me up a little inside.

Finally, Death to Us comes on and Dylan starts yelling beside me, just like everyone else in the crowd. I don't yell, I've never been much of an excited person, so I just keep quiet, but I am excited when I see the band come on. The stage is all dark and dramatic and when Johnny starts playing the keyboard, the music has a gothic like sound to it. He starts playing a song I recognize and I start bobbing my head to the music once the electric guitar starts playing.

"Pretty sweet, huh?" Dylan yells.

I nod at him as he stands beside me. We go through about three songs that way, but by the fourth song, the crowd starts pressing in more because it's a more heavy and fast song, so a lot of people are moshing around us. I start to feel short of breath again but I don't want to chance pulling out my inhaler and dropping it and losing it, so I try to focus on breathing, but it gets a bit hard, especially since I'm feeling anxious now too. I don't like this large crowd. It's making me feel dizzy, so I catch on to Dylan's shirt and catch myself before I fall into someone.

He looks over at me and asks if I'm okay, but I can't hear him, I can only read his words on his mouth.

I try and focus my eyes on him, but he's starting to become blurry. The only thing I can do is grab him with my other hand, because I can feel I'm about to faint. And then it happens.

I hear loud music, but it's not as close.

"Is he okay?"

"Here, give him some ice."

"No, he's fine, he's waking up."

I feel a hand on the side of my head and I open my eyes slowly. I see a girl bending down beside me, a guy with an ice pack in his hand, and Dylan, squatting down beside me. It's his hand that's on my head.

"You good?" he asks.

I try to sit up, but feel a bit disoriented and fall back against the wall.

"Whoa, whoa," Dylan says. "Take it slow."

I pat at the pocket of my jeans and struggle to get my phone out. "I should call Gary to come pick me up," I mumble.

"What? No, Pete, you're with me. I drove you here, remember?"

I stare at Dylan for a few seconds, then I shake my head and it all starts coming back to me now. I'm here at a concert with Dylan, we're on a date, and he drove me here. Gary isn't here and I don't need to talk about him.

"Come on, I'll take you home," Dylan says.

"No, I'm fine, really," I say, but when he pulls me up to my feet, I stagger against him.

The other guy and girl have already left, so it's just me and Dylan now, but he insists on taking me back to the dorm, back home, back where Gary is, where I'll be safe.

"Come on, Pete, come on," Dylan says, and slings my arm around his waist because he's too tall for it to go around his shoulder.

But once we get out into the cold night air, I let go of him and walk on my own. "We didn't have to leave, you know," I say. "I'm fine now, we can go back in."

"They won't let us back in once we've left," he says. "But it's okay, Pete, I'd rather you feel okay. I don't want you to go in there if you aren't feeling well."

"I seem to take the fun out of everything."

"Are you kidding? You've been lots of fun. I've really enjoyed hanging out with you tonight."

"Really?"

"Yes," he says, and grabs my hand as we make our way down the sidewalk. "Really."

I bite my lip and look over at him at that, but I don't say anything. Just sort of blush and look down. He doesn't let go of my hand all the way to his car, and he doesn't seem to care who sees us. Any looks we do get, he seems to confidently walk past them all. This isn't something Gary would do, ever.

When we get back to his car, we talk about the band on the way back, about what songs we liked, about the food, the crazy people moshing and one of the bands we didn't like very much. We talk the whole way back and for once, I feel kinda happy.

Then it happens.

We park.

And suddenly I don't know what I'm supposed to do. But he gets out of the car and so do I. He walks around to my side and smiles at me. "I had fun with you, Pete," he says.

"Me too, thanks, it was a lot of fun."

"Anytime. Maybe we could hook up after Thanksgiving or something?"

"Sure," I say, and feel a bit weird, but I take out my cell phone and say, "Let me give you my number and I can get yours."

"Sure."

We exchange numbers, then I do something I wish I hadn't. I give him a smile that I only give Gary, one that I use kind of as a way to manipulate him into doing something I want. And apparently it does the job, because Dylan closes the gap between us and kisses me full on my lips. It isn't hard, but it isn't soft, it's just..a kiss. Short and sweet, and full of of electrifying chemicals that's making my blood race to places I wish it wouldn't. Of course I think it's short and sweet when he parts his lips, but I must look inviting or something because he kisses me again, this time with more force. And my head, it's spinning like crazy. I can't think straight and I don't want to admit he's turning me on, but he is, big time. And I hate that if we were anywhere else private besides a parking lot right now, that I wouldn't be able to stop kissing him, and I wouldn't be able to stop his hands from cupping my face, or pressing me closer to him, like he is now.

And god, I swear, my insides are melting. I haven't felt my body really melt, really radiate like this, since things started with Gary. That time, that first time it stormed at Bullworth. With Gary. I smile into his lips thinking about that, about how he handcuffed us together at Halloween, how he had kissed me under the bridge, how we had gotten paint all over us that first time I let him actually do it to me. And that alone makes me grab at Dylan's neck, but I realize how needy that is, I realize how I'm thinking about Gary, and I pull away.

"I'm sorry," I say. "I can't. I just can't." I can't, because I'm not that easy. I feel like a moron kissing him like this just after one date.

"It's okay," he says, and smile down at me. "Come on, I'll walk to to the dorm with you."

We don't hold hands on the way back to the dorm, but I figured it's due to him not wanting students to talk about us, even though most of them are pretty accepting. Once we make our way inside the dorm, Dylan tries to walk me to my door, but I tell him it's okay, and we just sort of awkwardly tell each other bye before I head up to the third floor and he heads to the fifth.

Once I get in my room, I see Norman is gone. He was in the middle of packing to go home for the weekend earlier, so I figured he'd be gone when I got back. But one thing I didn't expect was to see Gary still here, sitting on his bed, reading a book.

"I see you made it back alive," he mutters.

"Yeah, I did."

"How was your date. He didn't rape you, did he?"

I bite my lip at that, trying to think of something witty to say. "Not yet."

He looks up at me at that, not at all amused. "You didn't say it wasn't a date."

"That's because it.._was_ a date."

He snaps his book shut as I pull off my shirt and pants to put on my pajamas. I'm too used to Gary to care, whether we're together or not.

"Did he kiss you?" Gary asks.

I don't say anything in response, because I don't want to say yes, but I also don't want to lie.

"He did." He laughs in annoyance. "Is that _all_ he did?"

"Yes, Gary. Thanks for thinking I'm that easy."

"I didn't say that."

"You might as well have," I say, pulling on my shirt.

"Are you going back out with him?"

"Probably."

"When?"

"Will you just cut it out? I can't go on a date without you bombarding me with questions like you're my mom?"

He shrugs and sits on the edge of his bed. "Just one more," he says.

"What?" I'm a bit annoyed now as I wait for him to ask.

"Can we have sex?"

"No, Gary," I sigh, sitting on my bed. "I told you, no friends with benefits."

"Well, you and I both know that's bullshit. And I know it's been a while for both of us. Couldn't hurt, right?"

It's tempting, very tempting, and I want to. I really do. But I'm not going to do it with him and then go on another date with Dylan while Gary goes on a date with Crystal. I. Just. Can't. "No," I say, louder this time.

"Fine, I'll go take a cold shower," he snaps, and grabs a few things before leaving the room.

I lay back on my bed after he leaves, finally glad for the silence, and fall asleep thinking about Dylan's kiss.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

**The next day **

Gary doesn't leave to hang out with Crystal like I thought he would in the morning. Instead, he hangs around in the room, playing Halo 3 on the Xbox live. Of course, it is cold and raining so I don't blame him for not wanting to get out. Still, I also can't help but think he's only sticking around to patronize me. Either way, I try to ignore him, but it doesn't last long.

"Dammit, that guy keeps killing me. I swear he's cheating," he snaps.

He's getting so mad over this game it's starting to get on my nerves. Sure, I get mad at games, but not like he does. Him getting angry over a game usually results in him throwing the controller. We've already had to replace three of them.

"Why don't you just play the actual game instead of playing live?" I ask. I'm tired of hearing him get angry.

"Because, _Petey_, I got a seven day gold trial that came with the game. I'm not going to waste it."

"Whatever," I sigh, and am about to leave just to get away from him when he grabs my arm and pulls me down on the bed beside him.

"Don't go," he says.

"I'm just going to the bathroom."

"Well why don't you hook up a controller and play with me when you get back."

"I don't have live, I can't afford it."

"Then we'll play the actual game together."

Gary wants me to play a game with him? That's the first in a while, so I take him up on his offer and let him play the rest of his live session until I get back from the bathroom. But I take my time coming back, because I'm trying to weigh my current feelings for Gary and my more recent feelings for Dylan. I hadn't expected last night to be a date – okay, well, I did, I just didn't want to admit it – but I _really_ didn't expect him to kiss me, especially the way we did. I still love Gary, and if he dropped his attitude and was willing to patch things up between us, if he was willing to take his meds again and stop treating me like shit, then I'd give him another chance. But I'm tired of chasing after Gary right now, he's mentally exhausting to deal with. I was always the one to go after him, never the other way around. Sure, he taunted me sexually in the beginning, but if I had never visited him at Happy Volts we wouldn't even be near each other right now.

I sigh as I come back into our room from the bathroom. I'm so confused right now at what to do. The only thing I can think of is to pursue Dylan if Gary isn't going to give me the attention I want, which is to get back together with me.

"I went ahead and signed us both in," Gary says to me, ripping me from my thoughts, and hands me a controller. We go through the start screen and onto multiplayer, and start playing through the game together.

"Kind of sucks playing split screen together because it's so small," he snaps. "We should get a bigger TV."

"Well, get a job and you can get us one."

Gary laughs at me mockingly. "Yeah, genius, I do plan on getting one, actually."

I raise my brows at that as I follow his character around. "Oh yeah?"

"Yeah, I'm applying for a couple of places in town."

"Like where?"

He shrugs. "Just wherever."

I don't say anything to that and focus on the game instead. I can feel the tension building with every silent second that seems to drum in my ears. Luckily, with the rain pouring outside and the sounds of the game, the silence between us isn't too deafening.

"So," Gary starts, breaking the awful tension. "That guy kissed you last night."

"Dylan, yes." I keep my eyes focused on the screen.

"So when you say kiss, do you mean like a peck on the cheek or just a quick kiss on the lips?"

"More."

He looks over at me at that, but I don't dare take my eyes off the screen. I really don't want to talk about this with him right now.

"More?" he asks. "What justifies as _more_ exactly?"

"I mean we kinda..made out." Shit, why did I just tell him that? Why _am_ I telling him this?

His stunned silence is replaced by a loud boom of thunder. "You really made out with him on the first date?"

"Is that bad or something?"

"Of course not," he turns back to the game. He's died two times already. "But it sure makes you look easy."

I feel a knot form in my stomach. It's all in his tone. That's how I know he's jealous, again. "Isn't that a bit steep?" I say.

"No, because before you know it he's going to be fucking your brains out, and leaving you on the doorstep."

I grit my teeth at that and this time, I do dare to take my eyes off the screen and look over at him. "You're an asshole," I say.

"I'm just telling the truth, Pete."

"That's not the truth and you know it. I think I know you well enough to know when you say mean things out of jealousy."

"I'm not jealous."

"Yes, you are. You're jealous because you can't have me whenever you want, because I'm not the same person I was back at Bullworth. You can't take advantage of me like you did there. And that drives you nuts."

"You talk a lot of shit, Kowalski."

"Rather talk shit than be a piece of shit."

He snaps his head at me at that and I swear, it looks like he's going to hit me again.

"Do it," I say. "Because I swear, Gary, if you hit me, I'll hit you back."

"Why do you have to bring that up again? Why the _fuck_ do you have to bring that up again?!" He jumps up from the bed and throws the controller against the wall with such force that it smashes to pieces and puts an indention in the wall. Then he kicks the small TV over off its stand and it skids against the floor, the glass breaking. He turns towards his desk and swipes the top clean of books and papers with his arm. Next to go is the actual desk, across the room.

I just watch, because despite the time that he did hit me, this is the first time I've ever really been _that _scared of Gary. I know I told him I'd hit him back if he does it, and I will, but I'm sure as hell terrified right now, so I plaster myself against the wall beside my bed and wait for him to stop wrecking the room. But just as I think he's coming to knock over the computer, he comes towards me instead and I tense and turn away from him, ready to be hit.

But it never comes. Only his fists banging on the wall on each side of my head. I turn my face slowly to look at him and see him looking down, his fists clenched tightly.

"I swore I wouldn't do it again, Pete," he hisses. "I'll tear the beams from these goddamn walls before I hit you again. Don't you get it?"

I swallow hard as he looks up at me, my eyes questioning his.

"I won't..hit you again. I'm too attached to you," he laughs nervously, and unfurls his hand from a fist and presses his palms against the wall beside me.

_That's what some people like him do. They attach themselves to someone, obsessively. _Norman's words seem to be ringing true. Gary is _very _attached to me, but so am I to him. Just maybe not obsessively like him.

"Okay, Gary," I finally say, my voice low. "I believe you." I don't, but I really don't want to make him more angry than he already is.

"I won't do it because I don't want you to leave me as a friend."

"I would never stop being your friend, Gary. Ever." That, I do believe.

He leans in close to my face and tries to kiss me, but I look away, because right now I'm too freaked out to get close to him. Because now I'm not so sure if pursuing Gary back is a smart idea. Because I've also been thinking about Dylan. I'll always be Gary's friend, but I can't keep hurting myself going back to his affections. It's time to end this awkward physical attachment we have going on with each other. An attachment that's going to land me where I don't want to go, which is being friends with benefits. I'm not going there again.

"I've gotta go," I say, and push past him and out the door. I'm already dressed for the day so I don't have to linger any longer than I want to, thankfully.

Once I get outside I take out my phone and consider calling Dylan, or at least texting him, but when I flip my phone up I see I already have a text, from Crystal. I had given her my number last weekend, when we all went to the movies together.

_"Hey, Pete, how did your date go last night? :)" _

I bite my lip as I read it a few times over. How did my date go? I can't help but wonder a little bit if she set me and Dylan up. But I text her back anyway, _"It went great, thanks.."_

I find a bench to sit on near the plaza area that connects to the library and sit down on the bench under a canopy since it's still raining, and wait for her to text back. My text alert sounds right as I settle down.

_"Dylan told me he had fun with you, and that he really likes you."_ she says back.

I bite my lip and smile. Dylan likes me? I never thought any other guy besides Gary would ever like me, but I guess I was wrong. I know most girls don't care to go out with me because I'm so short and lanky looking. I wish I wasn't, though, I really hate being as tall as or shorter than most girls. But now that Dylan likes me, it's something I don't really have to worry about right now.

I think of something to text back and finally write out, _"Really? Well I really like him too.."_

Not even what seems like twenty seconds later, she texts back, _"Omg, awesome! I knew you two would like each other, ever since he asked about you at the party."_

I raise a brow at that. He had told me he was at the party before, but he had asked about me too? That makes me feel giddy, and really warm in this cold, rainy weather. I almost feel like jumping up and skipping around campus. My fingers move quickly as I text her back, _"He asked about me? Lol, I was drunk, why in the world would he have wanted to go out with me?"_

_ "Because he thought you were cute, silly :p"_

I don't send anything back right away, because I don't know what to say to that, only that my insides feel fuzzy and gooey and warm all at the same time. But she ends up sending me another text anyway, right after her last one.

_"You should come over to my place. Dylan is over too *hint*hint*. We're just hanging out and watching movies all day."_

_ "Okay, I'll be there soon, but I forgot your address."_

Once she texts me her address, I don't waste any time in going to my car, which I haven't used for a while anyway, and making my way to her house.

* * *

When I get to Crystal's I take my time getting to the door because I'm a little nervous. I hadn't planned on seeing Dylan again unless we planned another date soon. I also can't help but think maybe he'll ignore me, just like Gary did when we started messing around with each other at Bullworth. So when I ring the doorbell and Crystal lets me in, I don't put too much hope into Dylan saying much to me.

But I couldn't be more wrong, because once I walk into the living room, Dylan looks up from playing a guitar – I didn't know he played – and smiles at me.

"Pete," he says, "Glad you could make it."

I smile back at him. "Yeah, I wasn't doing anything today anyway." Except playing a game with my best friend, ex-boyfriend and former lover, until he got mad and threatening.

"You can sit on the couch, Pete," Crystal says. "You want anything to drink?"

"Um, sure, whatever you have."

"Coke?"

"That's fine."

She walks out of the room and I clasp my hands between my knees, feeling a little awkward now being alone with Dylan.

"How is your day going, Pete?" he asks, and I'm thankful that he's started a conversation.

"Not bad." Not anymore, at least. "How long have you been playing guitar?"

"Since I about ten. Saw it in my dad's closet and just picked it up. Loved it ever since." He strums a few chords and smiles at me.

Crystal comes back in the room with a Coke and sits down beside me.

"Thanks," I say, and pop the top and take a sip.

"Well," Dylan starts. "I know you like some music I like, but do you play any instruments, Pete?"

"Err, well, not really. I mean, I took band in high school and played the drums sometimes but I'm not very musically inclined. That's more of Gary's expertise." I take another sip of my Coke and inwardly kick myself for mentioning Gary.

But Crystal is the one to perk up at that. "Oh," she says. "What does Gary play?"

"Piano and a little bit of drums." I almost swoon thinking about it. He doesn't like to admit it, but he's got a keyboard he bought over the summer and plays it all the time. And all he plays on it are cover songs from rock or metal bands. I told him he needed to start recording some of his songs because he's getting better at it.

Crystal raises her brows. "Oh wow, I never would have taken him to play piano."

"He doesn't talk about it much because it's kind of his thing, you know. Something that's private that only he does." I glance at Dylan and notice he's eying me, and obviously listening to every word I'm saying, so when he notices me looking he smiles big, and that warm and fuzzy feeling comes back.

"Speaking of Gary," Crystal goes on. "I don't really understand him. I mean, one minute he kisses me, the next he ignores me, then he wants to hang out with us, then he won't answer me when I text him."

"That's just..Gary," I say, rather bluntly, because it's the truth.

"Really? I was beginning to think it's just me. Because he seems to do it off and on. Like, I don't know, next week he might actually call me and ask if I want to go out somewhere."

I think about how Gary told me he only wanted to date Crystal because he just wanted to mess around with her, and I suddenly feel bad. "Yeah, he just does that," I say. "He's easily distracted."

"Yeah, Dylan and I have noticed that," she laughs.

I look over at Dylan just in time to see him laughing too, then he winks at me before looking down at his guitar. And that alone makes me feel giddy.

"Well, you're his friend, Pete," Crystal goes on. "Do you know if he likes me?"

Any trace of a smile on my own face fades at that. I care about Gary, hell, I'll still admit I love him, but Crystal is too nice of a girl for me to encourage her to pursue Gary, especially since he told me all he wants to do with her is mess around with her. So I say what I feel is best without being too mean to Gary. "Well, I don't know. He hasn't really told me anything. I'm a bit pissed at him at the moment."

"Oh, sorry."

"It's okay, just a tip, though. I don't think Gary does well in relationships. He isn't really committed to people. He tends to..push people away." And it's at that moment that what I realize what I'm saying is true. I suppose it's part of his mental illness, that part of him that doesn't want to commit. But he said he's attached to me, in an obsessive way, which also makes sense considering his condition. But that also makes him dangerous.

"Are you okay?" Crystal asks.

I look up at her, not realizing I've been lost in thought, and then look over at Dylan, who looks concerned. "Yeah, just, thinking," I say.

"Well, I'm not really looking for anyone to settle down with just yet, but I'll play it by ear, I guess."

I want to tell her to just forget it, that Gary's the kind of guy that could hurt her in more ways than one, but I let it go, because at the same time, I don't want to talk bad about him. "So what were you guys doing today? Just hanging around?"

"Yeah, it's a pretty dull weekend. Cold, rainy. Just a day to relax."

"You're lucky you live so close to campus."

"Yeah, it beats living in the dorms, but I feel like I practically live there anyway on account of going to class and hanging with friends."

"Yeah, it does." I take another sip of Coke, then ask, "So how did you both meet?"

"Oh," Crystal smiles. "Dylan's my cousin."

I raise my brows to that and laugh. "Oh man, I had no idea. Sorry."

"Stop apologizing!" Crystal slaps my leg.

"Pete does that a lot, I've noticed," Dylan sets down his guitar and sits beside me on the couch. "But I think we can let it slide."

I bite my lip and start feeling giddy again with him sitting beside me, and especially when he puts his arm behind me on the couch.

"Yeah, yeah, we will, because you're too cute to get mad at."

"I'll second that," Dylan says, and I blush.

Crystal smiles and rolls her eyes, then gets up off the couch and goes into the kitchen.

"What would you like to watch, Pete?"

I look over at Dylan, then back at the TV. "Um, just whatever."

"Crystal and I rented a couple of movies if you'd like to pick." He nods at the coffee table, where there are three movies scattered on the glass.

I lean forward and look at them. One is a horror, the other what looks to be foreign or indie and the last is a romance. I don't want to go with the romance right now with him. It's too soon, so I opt that one out. Gary is big on horror, but I'm not, and the only reason I ever watch it is because he doesn't give me much of a choice, or rather I just always tell him it doesn't matter. I don't want to think of Gary right now, so I take that one away too. That leaves the indie looking film. Something about a teen on a self-discovering journey. Sounds like I can relate to, so I pick that one.

"Never heard of this one," I say.

"It just recently came out on DVD. I'm big into Indie films so I thought I'd give it a shot."

"Well let's go for that one, then."

Dylan pops the case open and sticks it in the DVD player. Right as he's about to hit play, Crystal comes back into the room with a jacket on and a purse in her hand. "Hey, where you going?" he asks.

"I need to go to the store for some smokes and a couple other things. You guys want anything?"

She's leaving me alone with him?

"No, I'm fine. Pete?"

"Um, no, thanks." I attempt a smile, but inside I'm absolutely nervous. Going on a date with Dylan is one thing, but sitting in a house alone with him is another.

"Okay, be back soon," she chimes, and leaves.

Dylan sits back on the couch and hits play on the remote.

And my heart starts beating fast, because he's so close to me, because his arm is touching mine, because I don't know if we'll make it through this movie without kissing again. Then I suddenly realize these feelings are really immature. I've only shared intimacy with one other person, and that's Gary. And I've been with him for so long I don't know how to act with someone else. Am _I _supposed to make a move, or the other way around? Dylan didn't seem to mind taking control last night, and if he hadn't, I wouldn't have kissed him. Guess that means I'm the damn girl in every relationship.

We don't talk for a few minutes. I guess we both feel kind of awkward. But I try and release the tension by pulling my jacket off, then settle back into the couch and intertwine my hands on my stomach. A few minutes later, I get a text on my phone. I don't want to be rude and check it while watching the movie, but I don't think Dylan will care, so I take it out of my pocket and flip it open. And I'm not surprised to see it's Gary.

_"Where are you?"_

I grit my teeth, but feel a bit bad. I just left him hanging in the dorm, but he asked for it for going crazy. I look at the TV screen for a second and think about what to tell him. He'll explode if he finds out I'm at Dylan's, but then again, we aren't together anymore so why should I try and sugarcoat everything? I'm tired of walking on eggshells around him. I was willing to get back together with him and he ruined things.

_"I'm at Crystal's, hanging out with Dylan."_

It takes me three minutes before I finally hit send, but it doesn't take quite that long for him to send a text back.

_"Why are you over there?"_

_ "Because I just need some time alone."_

_ "You aren't alone. You're with that guy."_

I think about what to say back for a few minutes before texting out, _"You really scared me earlier, I didn't want to upset you any more than I did."_

I don't get a reply back to that and it bothers me, because I know I either ticked Gary off or made him upset with me. So I suddenly forget that I'm with Dylan and cross my arms against my chest and unhinge my focus from the movie. Suddenly I want to go back to the dorm and straighten things out with him.

"You okay?" Dylan asks.

I perk up at his voice. "Yeah, just..friend issues. I'm sorry." I put my phone away.

"It's okay. Is it..Gary?"

I pause for a second before standing to my feet. "Where's the bathroom?" I ask, as politely as I can.

"Just down the hall on the right."

"Thanks." I smile at him before heading down the hall from the living room. Of course I should know where the bathroom is since I've been here before when Crystal had her party. But the last thing I want is for Dylan to bring up Gary again. I don't want to talk about him. He's upsetting me enough as it is, and I really don't want to keep getting reminded of what he did today. So once I'm in there I shut the door and take my phone out again.

_"Are you mad at me?" _I text.

A few seconds later I get, _"No."_

But Gary has a tendency to lie, so I try to text something that might make him feel better. _"Well Crystal asked about you. You should give her a call because she really seems to like you."_ I don't know if it's just a way to get him off my back or to get him to stop him getting jealous and obsessing over me, but I feel bad texting it because Crystal is a nice girl who doesn't need to get involved with him.

_"I'll give her a call later. Sorry about earlier. I was a dick."_

_ "It's okay, really. It was my fault too."_

_ "Yeah."_

I let it go at that, and end up turning my phone off before putting it back in my pocket. Then I use the bathroom and get out quickly. When I get back to the living room Dylan has the movie paused.

"You didn't have to pause it," I say.

"It's okay, I wanted to watch it with you."

I smile at that and sit down beside him, but not as close as we were before.

He hits play and asks, "Would you like go out to eat Monday night?"

"Sure."

"Alright, you pick."

"Doesn't matter to me."

He leans his head back on the couch and sighs before looking at me. "Why do you do that?"

"Do what?"

"You can't just pick something you like. You want the other person to do it for you."

I look away. I never thought I did that, and never thought it was a problem at that. "Oh, well, I guess I'm just used to people picking places or things before me."

"Well, this time you get to pick. Where would you like to go, Pete?"

"Well, I really like the Burger Shot, and Waffle Hut."

Dylan laughs at that. "What about something that isn't fast food?"

Gary and I can't really afford much beyond fast food and eating sandwiches at the dorm, so I never considered the other places. "Um, I don't know, what's good around here?"

"There's Mexican, Italian, Chinese, a buffet, and some other sit down places. I'll just drive us around and let you pick."

"Okay, that sounds fine," I laugh.

Then he does something unexpected, and grabs my hand. And I let him, because it feels good, so much that I squeeze it back and smile at him.

"You have a great smile," he says and I laugh at that. "I know, pretty cheesy, huh?"

"No, it's working." I move a little closer to him and he leans in and kisses my lips.

And that feeling comes back, and suddenly I want more so I kiss him back and open my mouth and let him swirl his tongue around mine. I forget all about the movie as he frames my face with his hands and pulls me closer to him. I put my hand on his arm and he moves a hand to my back, and presses me against him until I fall against him. I break apart our kiss and laugh, because I didn't mean to plop over onto him.

"Sorry," I say.

"I don't mind," he laughs. "Trust me."

That makes me a little nervous. I've only seen the guy three times and already I'm making out with him on a couch. I can't help but feel a little easy for that, but he's the one that started kissing me, and my body is reacting in ways that my brain won't let me stop. I honestly don't know what to do, so I keep letting him kiss me instead. But it doesn't take much for me to be fully turned on, especially with him letting me lay on him and pressing me against him, and if I hit a certain point I won't be able to say no to him, so I pull away, because I'm not ready for this yet.

"I'm sorry," I say, getting off him.

"A little fast?"

"Yeah, maybe a little."

"Sorry."

"It's okay, trust me, it took a lot to stop."

"Well, you're a pretty good kisser," he smiles lazily, and nudges me.

"Not bad yourself."

And it's a good thing we stopped, because Crystal comes through the door only a couple of minutes later.

* * *

I don't get back to the dorm until late in the evening, but find Gary still there, picking up the room he destroyed. His desk is already back where it was and the TV, well, it's broken, as well as the controller, but he managed to put it back up on its stand. Now he's on the floor, picking up strewn papers.

He looks up at me when I come through the door, then looks back down at the pages in his hands, and I know this is going to be a tough conversation to have with him.

"Need some help?" I ask, and bend down and pick up a page.

He snatches it out of my hand and tucks it under the others in his hand. "No."

"Why are you still upset with me?" It's not like I wrecked the room.

"You were gone all day."

"I'm sorry, I just thought we needed some time away from each other."

Gary purses his lips at that. "Time away? I've done enough of that this year to you. Then when I finally want to hang out with you, you ditch me for some other guy."

"Don't be that way, Gary, you know I like Dylan."

He sits still on his knees and glares at me at that. "Did you do it with him?"

"No," I say, a bit offended.

"Surprising, since he targets young boys like yourself."

"Gary, I have no idea what you're talking about. He's a nice guy. You're just jealous."

"Maybe I am, but you don't even know this guy and you're going out of your way to go see him not even two times after hanging out with him."

"It's _my _life, I'll do what I want with it."

That seems to make him mad, but he doesn't say anything back.

"Here," I sigh, and pick up another page off the floor. "Let me help you."

"I got it."

"No, I don't mind."

"I said I've got it, Pete," he says again, louder this time, and tries to take the page from me but I pull it back gently.

"Gary, I want to help you."

"Just leave it alone!" He tugs back on the paper and it rips in half. He looks at the piece in his hand, then at the piece in mine, then sighs heavily. "That was my writing assignment."

I look down at the page and make out a sentence that says, _"His heart wrenched in horrifying splendor as he took the knife and slit the man's throat." _I raise my brow and read on. _"As the blood gushed down the man's flawless skin, he took the stained knife in his hand and-"_

Gary snatches the page out of my hand before I can read anymore. "I don't want you to read it."

I look down, a bit upset, even though I'm a bit disturbed at the content I just read. Did Gary really write that? "Why not? You know I'd love to read anything you write. You just won't ever let me read anything."

"Because you wouldn't understand. You don't even like watching horror movies, so why the hell would you want to read my stories? That's all they are."

I don't say anything back to that, because I know I won't win no matter how much I argue with him. So instead I get up and get on the computer since there's no TV to watch, and start up a game, hoping to phase him out of the room. It's obvious he doesn't want me talking to him right now, and I'm too scared to anyway.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

**Monday, November 17th, 2008**

"I'm sorry about Saturday. I was a little forward with you. I shouldn't have expected you to be intimate so soon like that."

I look up at Dylan from my menu. "It's okay, really." I look around at the place we're at. It isn't fancy or anything, just a casual sit down place to eat, but it takes me a while to look over the menu. Maybe it's because I'm a little nervous. This is just our second date and already he's apologizing about being too forward.

"I just didn't want to come off as, well, pushy or anything. Mine and Crystal's grandfather died a while back, and I've been taking it pretty hard."

"I'm sorry," I say. Then I bite my lip, feeling uneasy. "So am I just..kind of a rebound guy or-"

"No, no! I'm sorry, that came out wrong. I'm just a little vulnerable right now, and when I'm upset or grieving, I tend to act without thinking. I just wanted to apologize for doing that."

I let it go, understanding. "It's okay. I've already forgotten about it. Sorry for your loss."

He smiles at that and puts his menu down. "The barbecue ribs are pretty good if you can't decide."

I raise my brows. "I'm not really sure, there's a lot of stuff to choose from." I'm just glad we changed the subject.

"Well, take your time."

It doesn't take me much longer to choose, so once the waitress comes around we put our order in and I relax back into the booth.

"So, New Hampshire," Dylan starts. "How's it like living there?"

I shrug. "It's okay, but my high school was pretty much a dump."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah, too many bullies."

"None of them picked on you, though, I'm sure."

"Are you kidding? I was too much of dork to not get picked on, and I still am a dork."

"No, you're not," he laughs.

"Tell that to all the Trigonometry nerds. Even they thought I was a dork."

"Well, I don't. I think you're cute, smart and laid back."

I smile at that, right as I'm taking a sip through my straw. "Thanks. So are you."

He rolls his eyes playfully. "So what are you doing for Thanksgiving?"

I straighten up at that. That's something I don't want to think about right now, but I reply with, "Just going to a few places. My grandparents on my mom's side, then to Gary's family on Friday, then my dad's house on Saturday."

"You're going with Gary?"

"Yeah, he asked me to because he can't stand his extended family." I shrug, remembering when I told him I'd go, and I'd feel bad backing out now, especially since I know how much he can't stand his uncles. He's gotten better on responding better to his dad and even his mom, but his grandfather and other family members? Not so well.

"You two must be pretty close."

"We've been friends a long time," I say quickly. How do our conversations always drift to Gary? Is it my fault?

"Speaking of, I meant to ask you yesterday if you were okay."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you told me you were having friend issues, and I asked if it was Gary, but you didn't say anything. Is everything okay?"

There is absolutely no way to avoid talking about Gary, and Dylan seems to be prying. Either he really is concerned about me, or he suspects that Gary and I had something going on earlier this year. So I take a deep breath and say, "Just..arguing, I guess. We've been around each other so long we're constantly bickering like siblings." Or a married couple, that's what I want to say, but I don't.

"Crystal and I just noticed he really seemed to pick on you the other day, and didn't seem to like me very much."

"He's a difficult person to handle sometimes. He's just..different."

"Well I think it kind of turned Crystal off, but since you told her about him having commitment issues, I think she's all for it," he laughs. "She isn't looking for a long term relationship either, so I think she responded well to you saying that."

"Well I told him to give her a call."

He nods his head at that and smiles at me.

And I melt. His eyes are so blue and his hair is a dirty kind of blonde I want to run my fingers through. "So what are you doing for Thanksgiving?" I ask, trying to direct my attention away from staring at him in silence.

"Ah, probably going to my mom's this year. We usually go to my grandparents, but since my grandfather passed, it isn't going to be easy on my grandmother."

"Sorry about that, man."

He gives me a thoughtful smile and looks down. "It happens. We lose people we love as we get older. I'm just glad he lived a full life. I hope I get to do that, you know?"

I nod, and suddenly think of Gary. I still love him, and if I lost him right now I don't know what I would do. I'd live the rest of my life in misery, no doubt.

"Anyway, you ever wonder if there's just one person out there that you're meant to be with? Like, a soul mate or something? Or are there just too many people in this world to go around?"

I bite my lip and think for a few seconds before saying, "I think there are too many people in this world for there to be just one person, but I guess if you attach yourself enough to one person you think they're the one." _Am I talking hypothetically here or am I talking about me?_ I think.

"Yeah, that makes sense."

"But my mom, well, she and my dad divorced a couple of years ago, and at the time I guess she thought he was the one she was meant to be with, but now she's dating again and has a boyfriend." At least she did the last I talked to her.

"Yeah, but if she finds someone else and marries that person and they stay together for the rest of their life, does that mean he was the one she was meant to be with?"

"I think it might mean they're just more compatible than the first person."

Dylan laughs at that and places his hands on the table and looks at me. "Amazing answer. I can't top that."

I laugh as I take a sip of my drink.

"You're so cute," Dylan says to me, and pinches my cheek with his fingers in a playful way.

I'm not really sure whether to take that as a compliment or not, but I hide a smile as I look down at the table.

"Well," Dylan starts. "As much as I would like to believe in soul mates, I think you're right. I think people are just compatible, like you and me with music."

"Yeah, can't go wrong there."

"So let's see how compatible we both are with each other. I obviously like you, and you wouldn't be on another date with me if you didn't like me."

I laugh at that. "Ah ha, man, ego booster right there."

He laughs and nudges my foot with his shoe. "We're both in college, I'm majoring in Journalism, you're majoring in..undecided at the moment, which is fine. We're both eating somewhat healthy, we both enjoy good music, we both enjoy a wide variety of movies. What else is there to know?"

"Well," I say, thinking. "I like videogames."

"And I play some too. Oblivion?"

"Yes," I smile. "Love that game."

"Do you like to read?"

"Sometimes."

"What's your favorite book?"

"The..Harry Potter series."

He laughs at that and I blush.

"I told you, I'm a dork."

"No, it's a good series, I'm messing with you." He grabs my hand across the table and I let him take it, even though I'm a little nervous at other people seeing. Gary wasn't this affectionate with me in public. Guess this town isn't as uptight.

Our food arrives before Dylan can ask me anything else, and once we start eating we drift off our previous conversation of compatibility and start talking about food. I hate that I'm actually really starting to like Dylan, like, really like him, as in, I wouldn't mind if we were a couple.

But I also hate thinking that, because despite how I feel now, I still love Gary.


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

**November 20th 2008**

_Gary's parents are gone, so I'm in his room, sitting on his bed while he hooks up a game on the Xbox. But the phone rings while he's setting it up for us and Gary growls impatiently and snatches it up in anger._

_ "Hello?" he says, his voice not at all calm._

_ I listen to him as I continue plugging in our controllers._

_ "No, he's not here, you always seem to call at the same time every day, and every day at the same time I tell you he isn't here."_

_ I bite my lip, not wanting to have to deal with Gary today if he's angry._

_ "Fuck you, old man, call here again and I'll find out where you live and make your life hell." He slams down the phone and I shake my head._

_ "You didn't have to be mean to him," I say._

_ "That's your opinion." He picks up the first controller and signs in._

___ "Why do you have to be such a jerk to people, Gary?" _

___ "I'm not a jerk. You're being a jerk by saying that to me. Just because I have different opinions doesn't mean I'm a jerk."  
"You're an opinionated person and the rest of the world doesn't care about your opinions so sometimes it's better to just keep them to yourself so you don't hurt people."  
"Oh great, here we go about feelings again. You say you accept me for who I am and want to help me but instead all you do is criticize me. I don't see you telling all this to Jimmy. He's got problems too."  
"I didn't mean it like that."  
"Then how did you mean it?  
I bite at my lip as I sit on the bed. "I do accept you, Gary, I just wish you'd stop threatening people. It's going to land you into trouble again."  
"Are you my mom or something?"_

___ "No, but I'm your boyfriend, don't you care enough to do better for me?"_

___ "Why should I, it's not like you put any effort into caring about me."_

___ I purse my lips at that and shake my head. "Sometimes I wonder if you know how much of liar you really are," I mumble. "And how full of shit you are."_

___ Gary shoves me off the bed at that, but it isn't a playful shove and I don't land soft. It's so hard that my neck whips back and for a second I don't know what just happened until I see him standing by the bed, his hand clenched tightly around the controller._

___ I sit up and put my hands up, then I stand to my feet. "That's it," I say, and move past him. "I'm out of here."_

___ But he stops me forcibly with his hand and turns me around before I can reach the door._

___ "You're not going anywhere. Not yet. I wasn't done talking."_

___ "You shoved me, I think that was a good conversation ender right there."_

___ "Shut-up, Pete."_

___ "No, I'm going home."_

___ But as soon as I turn around he pummels me into the wall and I grunt as my back hits it. I look up at him, a little scared now, and struggle to get away._

___ "I want you take it back," he says, and grabs my arms to stop me from struggling. "Take back what you said about me being a liar and being full of shit."_

___ "No, I meant what I said," I yell at him._

___ "Then maybe I should just fuck you until you scream it out."_

___ I almost laugh at him at that, thinking maybe he's joking, but his face is dead serious. "You're not touching me today," I say._

___ But he grabs my waist and pulls at my pants anyway, and a part of me likes this, how rough he's being, and for a second I give in when he kisses my neck, because I just keep thinking we're making up in some kinky way, but when he pushes me too hard against the wall and seizes my wrists against it, I start getting a little scared. Gary's in a particular bad mood right now, I've set him off, and he's being rough while wanting to be intimate. It scares me a bit, so I tell him to stop, but he pulls up my shirt anyway._

___ "Stop, Gary," I tell him again, but he still doesn't let up._

___ "Shh," is all he says, and frames my face roughly and tries to kiss me, but I don't open my mouth and push him back instead._

___ "Get off of me you psycho!"_

___ And. That. Sets. Him. Off._

___ He doesn't even think about it, he just does it. In a flash I see his fist come flying at me, so hard I stumble back and hit the wall I was just against. I hold my face and take a few deep breaths before looking over at him. It hurt, bad, but the emotional sting is worse._

___ "Get out of here, Pete," he says, and closes his eyes. "Get out, get out, get out."_

___ And I can see he's battling something, I can see his fists clenched tightly by his sides, and I listen to him. I get out of there before he can do anything else._

_I wake up to a hand shaking my leg and look up from my spot on my pillow where I've fallen asleep to see Gary beside me._

_"You alright?" he asks, a laugh in his voice. "You were whimpering over there."_

_ I shift in my seat and blink my eyes a few times. "Yeah," I say. "Just a bad dream." I look up and see my mom driving behind the wheel while her boyfriend, Cole, is in the front seat. They're both chatting away, not even noticing I'm awake now. I don't care much for her new boyfriend. He's a politically correct douche-bag, but whatever._

_ "Pete, you woke up just in time, we're almost there," mom says, and looks back at me with a bright smile._

_ I smile back, then look over at Gary, who seems content for once, despite our fight on Saturday. He apologized later that night, after I ripped his paper, and for the most part he seems to be okay with me dating Dylan, but I know he isn't happy about it. I can't help but feel a bit bad now, though, because I had planned on us still being together at Thanksgiving, but I guess it doesn't matter either way, because he's still here with me now._

_"That's good," Gary says out loud. "I'm starving."_

_ "I suggest you eat something to hold you over, Gary," mom says "We won't be eating until four."_

_ He leans his head back and sighs. Then Cole turns around in his seat and actually attempts to talk to us for the first time since we've gotten on the road._

_ "How is college life, boys?" he asks._

_ "It's just swell, Cole," Gary replies._

_ I turn towards the window and smile into my pillow, because I know Gary's sarcastic voice from anything else in this world, even when people like Cole can't pick it up. And so far we've been majorly making fun of the guy._

_ "Meet any girls while there?"_

_ "Only the ones willing to have a good time."_

_ Cole laughs at that and mom gives him a look in the rearview mirror. She tolerates Gary and doesn't mind him for the most part, but she still thinks he's a bad influence on me and thinks we're too close to each other, which she's right. Still, though, she won't run him off because he keeps me company and he's a friend that's stuck with me through school._

_ Cole starts talking with mom again about work stuff after Gary's awkward response, because they both work together. I'm surprised they both actually were able to come to this today together for that reason. _

_ It doesn't take much longer before we finally make it to my grandparents house. A two hour drive on Thanksgiving is something I'd rather not do, especially since we just drove home from Tanner on Tuesday, but at least we don't have to make the drive back until tomorrow. And then from there we have to go to Gary's grandfather's house, which I'm not looking forward to._

_ Once we park and go inside, my grandmother goes into a hissy fit trying to hug and kiss me. A couple of years ago I would have been embarrassed, but now I just don't care because she's my family, and that's what family does._

_ "I swear, Peter," she says. "You grow an inch every time I see you."_

_ "That's me, grandma, an inch every time." I look back at Gary as she goes to hug my mom. "I haven't grown in like a year," I say to him._

_ Gary smiles at me, really smiles, and I feel a little giddy. Because he looks really hot when he smiles like that. I know I love him, I always will, but still having feelings for him while dating Dylan, it's getting to me. I'm ____still__ trying to get over him._

_ "Mom, this Cole," mom says. _

_ "Nice to meet you, honey," grandma says, giving mom's new beau she has to show off to everyone a hug. _

_ "And this is Gary," mom says. "Pete's friend."_

_ "Yes, yes," grandma grumbles. "I remember Gary." She laughs and gives Gary a big hug, and he embraces her warmly, which surprises me._

_ "Do you need help with anything, Mrs. Turner?" Gary asks as he pulls away._

_ "Such a gentleman," she says. "But yes, we need some firewood for the hearth. It's in the cellar, sweetie, Peter will take you."_

_ I smile and nod at him to follow me outside. We must be the first ones to arrive out of my other relatives. "You're in a good mood," I say to him. _

_ "I get to hang out with you and your family instead of mine today, of course I'm in a good mood." _

_ It's a bit unlike him, but it's pleasant so I'll take the change in his mood. When we get to the cellar I find it already unlocked with one of the doors swung open, so I make my way down the stairs but slip on the last step. Luckily, Gary catches me by my arm and I laugh in relief._

_ "Klutz," he says, and nudges me with his elbow once I'm steady._

_ My smile slowly fades as I watch him move toward the wood pile. He's being so nice today, he's being ____too__ nice._

_ "Who's there?"_

_ I look over to see my grandpa coming around the corner, two wine bottles in his hand, and I smile. "Hey, pa," I say._

_ "Is that you, Pete? Almost didn't recognize you."_

_ I smile at his sarcastic humor and go to hug him. "You remember Gary? He came last year too."_

_ "I remember," he smiles. "Now, you two tell me, which bottle should we toast to? We got this one Thanksgiving of..ah..eighty-three, and this one in..seventy-six."_

_ "Bring them both, more for everyone," Gary says, which makes grandpa laugh._

_ "Ah, we'll bring 'em both," he says, and makes his way to the stairs._

_ "We're just getting some firewood," I say to him and he waves me off before heading up the stairs._

_ I gather about three pieces of wood and Gary tries to carry five, showing off, and we make our way back into the house. By that time, my other aunts and uncles have arrived. There's Jake and Laura, who recently had a baby, and Bonnie and Ted and their child Parker, my now eight-year old cousin whom Gary scared off last year so we could be alone. I guess we don't have to worry about that this year, though._

_ Everyone makes a big deal when Laura and Jake get there with the baby, because he's pretty new, I think. Mom told me she had him last month, so no one else will get any attention other than the baby today. My mom is already squealing with delight._

"I think you might be in trouble after today, Cole," Gary says as we all three stand near the fireplace. "Looks like Rachel _really _wants to see that baby."

I cough into my arm, trying not to laugh, and see Cole try and laugh off what Gary just said, but he looks nervous. I put my hand up behind him and Gary gives me a high-five for that one. He knows he annoys me, so he's been saying witty things to him all day, and the poor guy usually never has a comeback for it, for all the shit he likes to talk.

"Pete, look," mom says to me, her face beaming as she brings over the baby all bundled up in blankets.

And I smile at her, but I can't help but feel bad. Because, Gary's joking aside, my mom couldn't have anymore kids after me. Her pregnancy with me was high risk and she went into premature labor only a month before I was supposed to come. When she went back to the doctor, he told her she might die if she gets pregnant again, that her blood pressure might skyrocket. So I know, deep inside, that she can't help but want another one, even after all these years. And I feel bad that I can't give her a grandkid if I don't ever hook up with a girl. I have a feeling she'd get disappointed if I adopted.

"He's so cute," I say to her, and place my finger in the palm of the baby's hand. His little fingers twitch and tighten around my finger, and that's when I feel it. That desire, for just a second, to want a family. And that scares me, so I pull away. "What's his name again?"

"Jeremy. Isn't that so cute?"

I smile at her and nod.

"You can hold him later," mom says, and looks at Cole. "My turn right now."

"Told you," Gary says, and when I look at him, he flashes me a crooked smile, and I swear, my insides melt.

* * *

After dinner, everyone sits around in the living room talking. And with the new Cole there, there's much room for debate, especially when he strikes up a conversation about politics, which only bores me to tears, but Gary and I sit on the fireplace and make fun of him the whole time while everyone else is talking.

Eventually, we get to laughing every time he opens his mouth and I can't help but laugh at Gary every time he mocks him under his breath. I haven't seen this side of Gary in a long time, and to be honest, the way he's acting now is..different. We used to laugh together before, but I don't think I've ever seen him in this good of a mood before, ever.

"What's so funny over there, boys?" Bonnie says to us.

"Nothing, just being weird," I say.

"Let's get out of here," Gary mumbles to me, and I happily follow him into the kitchen, where he gets a glass and pours himself some wine.

"Jeez, you'd think it was election day in there," he says, and takes a big gulp.

I raise my brows at him gulping wine. "Hey," I say, lowering his glass from his mouth. "Slow down. You wanna get drunk in front of my family?"

"Trust me, Pete, I'm not going to get drunk off of this. Let's take a bottle upstairs. No one will notice." He downs the rest of the wine and grabs the bottle.

I'm about to protest when I realize I don't want him getting angry with me, so I just go along with him instead. No one seems to notice anyway, and since Parker is asleep he can't follow us around. So we make our way to the same guest bedroom we had last year and I close the door. I feel a little awkward being with Gary alone like this while dating Dylan, but it isn't like we're together..anymore.

Gary takes off his button up shirt and puts his watch on the dresser, so that he's just in jeans and his white undershirt, which makes me bite my lip because it really shows off his muscles. Then he sits down on his bed with the bottle and reads the label. "Merlot. Nice shit," he says, then takes a swig from the bottle. He lets out a sigh, then hands me the bottle.

I take it, too, because I could really use a drink right now, and take a swig, but I make a face because I'm not used to drinking wine.

Gary chuckles at me before taking the bottle back and laying back on one of the beds.

"Well, all you need now are some Twinkies," I say, knowing how much Gary likes eating sweets, especially Twinkies, with wine.

Gary laughs at that and starts to say something, but immediately closes his mouth on the first word.

"What?" I say.

"Nothing, I was just going to say something dirty to that. But, seeing as you're with Dylan now, it probably wouldn't be appropriate." He gets up from the bed and puts his bag on top.

I grit my teeth at that and try to change the subject, so I say, "So what should I expect tomorrow at your grandfather's house?"

"Some food, probably some arguing, some people ending the night on bad terms. Who knows with that family."

"It is _your _family, you know."

"Doesn't mean I have to admit it."

"Is it really that bad?"

He glares at me for a second before looking back down at his bag. He takes out a shirt and a pair of pajama bottoms, not saying a word.

"Gary?" I ask, concerned.

"Nothing, Pete. I'm fine."

"I'm sorry if I upset you. I wasn't trying to. If it sucks tomorrow, we'll leave, okay?"

"Promise?"

"Promise."

He stares at me as he takes his shirt and jeans off and I look away, because he's too tempting to look at when he does that. "It's okay, I'm not going to ask if you want to do it, even though I could use it. I'm trying to give you your space."

"I know, and I appreciate it."

"Sure," he says, pulling on a clean shirt. "But could you just do me one favor?"

"What?"

"Could you undress in here so I can have something to dream about tonight."

"Gary," I say, a smile on my face as I grab my bag and head for the bathroom. I get a shower while I'm in there, and the whole time I'm in there, I can't help but think about how confused I am about the current situation I'm in. Gary's being unusually nice and decent lately. Not only that, but he keeps flirting with me. Of course, that's just Gary, and no matter what he's always going to say sexual things to me, or find a way to touch me. But this is different. His mood is almost..changed a little.

Then there's Dylan, whom I kissed on Monday after our night out together. Just a simple, short kiss. He told me he'd call me when I got back to school on Sunday and we'd go out somewhere then. I suppose it's official, then? Are we together? I guess things are still kind of casual right now.

I don't want to think about it right now, though. It's making my head ache since I still have feelings for Gary, and it hurts even more that he's in the next room. It's not so hard rooming with him in the dorm because we have Norman there too, but right now, I just don't know if it's a good idea. Who shares a room with their ex-boyfriend, currently best friend?

When I finally come out of the bathroom I see Gary quickly put something in his bag and zip it up, then he takes a swig from the bottle of wine.

"You gonna drink that whole thing?" I ask.

"Yeah, if you're not going to drink any."

"I'll drink some," I say. "You want to play some cards?"

"Strip poker? Sure."

I laugh at that as I get a deck of cards out from my bag. "Um, no," I say.

He sits down on the bed I've taken for the night and leans back against the headboard while I count out some cards. We usually play a variety of games but we like a game called Penny Rummy the most, even though we don't play that many rounds since Gary gets really worked up over it, because, well, he's too competitive. But I imagine we won't play too many rounds tonight since we're both pretty tired from the drive to mom's, then here.

I deal eleven cards to each of us, then take out a plastic container with some pennies and divide them up into six each. We have to get two sets of three for the first round and since I dealt, I go first. We play the first few cards in silence, but it doesn't take long for Gary to say something.

"Dammit, you already got your set?"

"Yeah, you know I'm better at this than you," I say, jokingly.

He laughs at that and lays down his pair. "Take that."

"Still haven't gone out yet." I draw a card and put one down in the middle.

"No, but I will before you."

But he doesn't, and I end up winning the round.

"_Fuck _you, Kowalski," he says, and I smile at him as I shuffle the cards.

"You'd like to," I say, but then I immediately shut my mouth, because I realize I'm seeing someone else, because I realize I just made a joke I would have made a couple of months ago that I shouldn't be making now. "I mean, whatever, I didn't mean that."

"Do you _enjoy_ torturing me, Pete?" He puts one of his legs up and rests his arm on his knee, then takes a swig from the wine bottle.

"No, I don't." I take the bottle from him and hand him the shuffled cards in exchange, then take a swig for myself.

"You're such a tease," he says. "And you don't even know it." He deals the cards out for the next round and I suddenly feel a little bad.

"Sorry," is all I get out.

"You should be. I don't guess there's any chance you'll let me sleep with you tonight, huh?"

"No," I say, but man is it tempting. But that's all Gary wants is sex. He doesn't want to be with me anymore, and he knows the no friends with benefits rule.

"Why not?"

"Because I'm seeing Dylan. We talked about this, and you agreed to give me some space and not be jealous."

"Yeah, but I can be like, a side dish, you know? The appetizer before the meal."

"This day was going well, do your really want to ruin it?"

"I don't know, do you really think you're over me and that Dylan isn't just some rebound guy because you're still hurt at me?"

I look up at him at that and my heart beats fast, but I have no words to say back to him, because I'm afraid of him winning this conversation.

"I mean, I hurt you but you still love me, and I know that if I told you I wanted to get back together with you, you'd do it in a heartbeat. Right?"

I grit my teeth and swallow hard. "I don't know."

He looks at me over his cards. "Why don't you know?"

"Because..I'd like to give Dylan a chance."

"So, if I were to ask you right now if you'd get back together with me again, you'd turn me down?"

I hesitate, my head cloudy and dizzy feeling. My head is screaming yes, that I would turn him down, but another part of me is screaming no. And right now, I'm just so hurt and confused that I say the only thing that makes sense. "Yeah," I whisper. "I would."

"Why?" He puts his cards down.

My chest is hurting now. "I guess..there's some things you'd have to be willing to change," I sigh.

"Like what?"

"Like not going back and forth with me, not bullying me, taking your meds."

And for once, he doesn't get mad at me when I say that last part about his meds, even though I expected him to. I'm shocked when he doesn't even react to me saying the word.

"Gary?" I ask, a little concerned by his silence.

"One four," he says, and lays his cards down. Then he lays down a set of three and puts one down on the card pile in the middle.

I smile at him and we continue to play as if we never had the conversation about us. We only end up playing one game, though, in which I let him win, because I'm too tired to keep going, and I pass out on the bed as soon as the cards are cleared and the Gary turns the light out.

* * *

When Gary and I get up in the morning everyone is already downstairs eating breakfast that my grandmother cooked. Mom is watching after the baby while Laura and Jake sleep in, which was nice of her. When I go to put my plate away after eating she comes up beside me with him.

"Pete, would you mind holding him while I get something to eat real quick?" she asks.

"Um, sure," I say, trying to be nice, and attempt to take him in my arms, but I'm a little nervous since I've never really held a baby before.

"Just hold your arms out," she says. "And hold him close to you. He likes to be snuggled, but hold his head."

"It's alright, Pete has experience with his stuffed animals," Gary says from the bar.

I make a face at him. "Very funny, Gary," I say, taking Jeremy in my arms like my mom instructed. Once she lets go of him and I feel him in my arms, I raise my brows. "Wow, he's really light."

"He gets heavy after a while," she says, and goes to grab a plate.

I go into the living room, because I'm a little nervous standing up with him, but I smile as I look at him, because he really is cute. I don't dislike babies, I'm just never around them so I don't really know what they do or what you're supposed to do with them. I'd be lost as a parent. As soon as I sit down on the couch, he opens his eyes and looks up at me and grabs my hand.

I smile at him and wiggle his little hand in my finger. "Hey," I whisper.

I feel the couch move and look over to see Gary sitting beside me. He raises his brow and looks over at Jeremy. "He looks like an alien," he says.

"Come on, Gary, you know he's cute."

He shrugs and and pets at his head, which is full of dark brown hair, and holds his hand with his finger. "Hey, man," he says, nonchalantly. "What's going on? Pick up any chicks lately?"

I laugh at that and Gary looks at me with a big smile, but then turns away quick and puts his arms on the back of the sofa. He sighs heavily and his smile fades as he leans his head back, and I know something has just bothered him.

When I look back at Jeremy, it looks like he's falling asleep again. His eyes are rolling back in his head and he's got a little bit of a smile on his face. "Hey, Gary," I say, laughing. "Check it out."

He looks over and laughs quietly at the face Jeremy is making. "He looks like he's on drugs."

I laugh at that, glad that Gary's still in a good mood, at least for right now. I don't know about later, when we go to his grandfather's house to see his family. That must be what's bothering him right now, because he puts his hand on my leg and pushes on it to stand up and walks outside without a word. I watch him through the glass windows as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pack of cigarettes. And I can't help but bite my lip and wonder if he's okay, if maybe I said something wrong, if maybe he's upset over something I don't know about.

And that alone makes me consider going back to him if he asked.


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

**November 21st, 2008**

Gary sighs as we make our way up the stairs to his grandfather's house. He really isn't looking forward to this at all and I'm glad I came with him for moral support. I look at him as we step onto the porch, wondering what's going through his head.

"Gary!"

I turn my head in surprise to see Gary's mom, Lana, come out the door and hug him. And, to my further surprise, he hugs her back, for a long time. That makes me smile and feel warm inside, because despite what he may say about his mom not caring about him, it's obvious he really does care about her.

When she pulls back, she wipes her eyes and I can see she's been crying. Then she looks at me and smiles real big, and hugs me as well.

"How are you, Mrs. Smith," I say.

"I'm fine, Pete, thanks for asking. How have you both been at college?"

"It's school," Gary shrugs.

"I missed my boy so much," she says again and Gary rolls his eyes.

"Come on, mom, not in front of Pete," he says jokingly.

She laughs and opens the door for us. "Come on in, I know you're both hungry."

As Lana takes our coats, I immediately notice the atmosphere is a little different from my grandparents house. Gary's dad and a middle-aged man are sitting around the TV, watching a football game, and a much older man I can only assume is Gary's grandfather. I've only seen him once before, at the asylum, when he left in a rush from Gary's room. James is sitting nearest the TV with a beer bottle in his hand. He looks up when we come into the room, and everyone else stands up too.

"There he is," the other man says. "How's my favorite nephew? Haven't seen you in a while."

"Well, I've been off getting what no one else in this family has, which is a college degree."

The other man laughs and Lana nudges Gary.

"I don't know, Gary, I mean, Pops sure is doing pretty well for himself here in this nice house to not have a degree. I'd say he's doing something you're not."

It's Gary's dad that breaks in at that. "That's enough, Paul, you leave my boy alone." He comes over to Gary and gives him a somewhat awkward hug that Gary isn't into like he was with his mom. "How's college treatin' you?"

Gary shrugs. "It's okay."

James looks at me at that. "Pete, how are you, boy?"

"I'm fine, sir, thanks." I wish I wasn't so nice all the time, my manners make me stick out in this family. Not that they don't have any, but the environment is just..different from my grandparents, and since I'm the newbie here, I stick out like a sore thumb anyway, especially in my red polo shirt.

"We were just watchin' the game, you boys wanna' have a seat? You must be tired from all the driving."

"Not really into football, James," Gary says.

Things turn kind of awkward at that point, then Gary's grandfather steps up, and he doesn't look too happy to see him. "You doing good in school, boy?" he asks, his arms crossed against his chest.

"Yes, I am, actually. I'm passing all my classes, too, in case you're wondering."

"So my money _is _going to good use. That's good to hear. Keep it up, kid, and you'll go far." His grandfather pauses for a moment as a nicely dressed, dolled up, middle-aged aged woman comes into the room. "Oh, boys, meet Stella. We're getting married in the spring."

I raise my brows in surprise, but try not to look too shocked. The man looks like he could be her dad, or even grandfather. Despite my attempt to not look so surprised, I fail miserably anyway, so I put my hands in my pockets and just attempt to smile.

"Hello, Gary," Stella says, and smiles real big and holds her hand out. "I've heard so much about you!"

"I'm sure," he says. "Nice to meet you." He forces a smile, then mumbles for me to follow him and I nod at the both of them before following Gary into the kitchen.

"Anything we can help with that doesn't involve football or old man, younger girl sex?" Gary asks his mom, who is standing at the island in the kitchen, cutting vegetables. There's another woman beside her and a girl who looks a little younger than us. A smaller girl is sitting at the table, coloring.

I look at Gary, because I've never seen any of these people before, so I can only assume they're more family. I just hate it's taken so long for me to meet them. Then again I guess I shouldn't let it get to me, seeing as we're not together anymore.

"Gary," Lana eyeballs him and whispers, "Please watch your language around Sarah." She cuts her eyes to the blonde haired girl coloring at the table, but she looks oblivious to everything else going on. The other two snicker, the young girl around our age looks up at me and smiles.

"Pete, this is my aunt Carol, and cousins Sarah and Heather."

"Nice to meet you all." I'm a little nervous, but not as much as I was around Gary's uncles and dad. His dad still intimidates me, mainly because I have no idea how he'd react if he knew about the stuff I've done with his son.

I bite my lip, forcing back a smile as I think about that. About how no one in this world knows Gary like I do.

"You okay?" Gary suddenly asks.

I look up and the girls snicker again. "Yeah, just kinda dazed out there."

Gary widens his eyes at his mom, then he grabs me and puts me in a headlock and rubs his knuckles across my head until I have to elbow him and push him off, which makes him laugh. I _hate_ when he does that. He used to do it when we were together _because_ he knew I hated it. No matter how much I hate it though, I can't help but smile at him when I push him away. He backs away, laughing as he throws his arms up to shield himself from me. Then I realize how this may look, like I'm flirting with him, so I stop and scratch my neck.

"You boys behave," Lana says. "We're done now if you two want to take some bowls to the dinner table.

I help Gary take some bowls of food to the table, then we both sit down to a full table with his uncles, aunt, cousins, mom and dad, grandfather and Stella. James has us all hold hands as he says a prayer over the food, but it sounds awkward coming from him. With my head bowed, I narrow my eyes to look over at Gary. His head is bowed slightly, his eyes looking straight ahead, as if he's focused on something. My heart skips a beat when I look at him, as I feel the clammy sweat in his hand. He doesn't just limply hold it. Instead it feels snug in mine, warm. I will the feeling away, though, because I'm with someone else right now. And Gary has a lot to learn before I go back to him.

Once the prayer is over the uncles immediately start talking. Lana and Gary's aunt start talking, as well as Heather, on my end of the table. Stella keeps smiling at Gary's grandfather every time he talks, as if she finds what he's saying to the other men interesting. Gary, for once, is the quiet one at the table, eating without even looking up. I wonder if something is wrong, until Lana breaks his silence.

"Gary, Pete, tell us about school. Is it what you expected?"

"It's different. A lot more freedom, I guess."

"So are you two room mates?" Carol asks.

"Yeah, and a bozo named Norman."

"Gary," I say, in that tone of voice as if I'm getting onto him. "Norman isn't a bozo."

"Who's Norman?" Lana asks.

"He's our other room mate, and a spazz at that." Gary puts his fork down on his plate, slouches in his chair, and lays his arm on the table.

"Oh, well I just hope you're nice to him."

"For the most part, unless he bothers me."

"Which is all the time," I say, joking.

Gary looks at me seriously a moment, then his face softens as I see a small smile. "Yeah, he's alright, I guess."

There's a pause, then I realize the other end of the table is starting to get louder. I look down that way to see Gary's uncle Paul going at it with James over something. I listen in as I eat, and hear Gary's name come up.

"I'm not saying he shouldn't be in college, I'm just saying why does Pops have to pay for his tuition and books and everything else?"

"Because he offered to, Paul." James eyes Paul, and I feel a tension starting.

"And what good's it going to do him? He can get a degree but you've gotta be in the right state of mind to get a job. But who knows, this economy they'll take anyone these days. He's got a chance at flippin' burgers, I guess."

Gary looks over at that, just as Paul looks his way, and the glare between them is intense and boiling. "Why don't you tell that to my face, Paul, since I'm right here. Or are you going to continue to talk shit about me right in front of me?"

"Gary, please," Lana says, but both of them ignore her.

"Well you know, Gary," Paul starts. "Not a lot of people can talk to you about things, because you get too defensive, like you're doing right now."

"I'm getting defensive because you're talking smack about me to my dad, who of course isn't going to take up for me." Gary eyes James, whom only looks down. "No, you know, I get it. Little brother gets bullied by big brother, which is why dad continues to let you walk all over him."

"You may have gone to college with the big boys, Gary, but you haven't learned any respect." Paul shakes his head as cuts at his turkey.

"Just drop it, Gary, please," Lana says.

I look at her, then bite my lip and look down. It must be hard, dealing with this all the time. It isn't just Gary, though. His uncle is a jerk, but everyone seems to be siding with him.

"No," Gary says sternly. "I'm really.._sick_ of his shit."

"Gary, stop it. I don't want to do this again." Lana puts her elbows on the table and her head in her hands.

"I can put an end to you acting like a stubborn smart-ass, but James won't let me lay a finger on you."

"Paul, stop," James chimes in.

Gary's grandfather starts in trying to change the subject, Lana starts crying, Sarah begs her mother to leave, Paul and James begin arguing and Stella and Heather look down at their plates, keeping quiet. Gary, on the other hand, is fuming. I can see it from the way he's tightening his fists. He's about to break, and it isn't going to be good.

Sure enough, within minutes, Gary stands to his feet, knocking the table with his leg. "This happens every year," he says, looking at Paul. "Talking down to me, talking shit about me. And you always get the last word. Well do you want to know what I really think, Paul? About all your stupid ideals and opinions nobody cares about? All you're know-it-all shit talk? I say you can shove it up your ass and go fuck yourself."

The table is quiet as Gary turns to leave, bumping the table yet again with his leg as he does so. I look around nervously, then scramble to my feet and follow after him. I make my way out of the hellish scene and to the living room just as Gary slams open the screen door. He hurries down the steps of the porch but I call after him.

"Gary, wait!" When he doesn't stop, I run after him and pull him aside by his arm.

"Leave it, Petey, we're going. Come on."

"Just hold on a second. Talk to me."

He doesn't look at me but he's pissed. He purses his lips and puts his hands on his hips, looking down the street. "My whole life all he's done is patronize me, and my dad never sticks up for me, _never_."

"Gary, I'm sorry."

"So I'm the one who has to stick up for myself, but whenever I do it, somehow it's wrong."

I swallow hard and look down. We've moved away from the front of the house, so hopefully no one can hear us. "I get it, Gary. We don't have to stay, but what about your mom? She's innocent in all this."

"No she isn't!" He finally looks at me, scorn on his face. "She just lets _everyone _step all over her. She never sticks up for herself."

"But she loves you."

"Right. No one loves me, Pete, not even you."

"Gary, you know that's not true."

"If you did-" He cuts himself short and peers around at the front porch before continuing in a softer tone. "If you did, you'd take me back right now."

"Gary-"

"Just hear me out, Pete, alright? I made a mistake, I was stupid."

I shake my head and turn my face away, unable to look at him. How did this conversation end up about us? "I can't, Gary," I say.

"Why not?"

"Because you don't really want me for the right reasons. You want me to satisfy whatever loneliness you're feeling, but it isn't healthy. Our relationship _isn't _healthy. It wasn't healthy when we were together either."

"I don't know what the hell you're talking about. Our relationship isn't some kind of cancerous lung."

"You know what I mean." My voice is serious, and I know that he gets it.

He licks his lips, then looks at me a bit softer. "What do I have to do to get you to come back to me?"

This is hard to deal with right now. Gary just told off his family, left the scene angry, we've been through some rough times in the past, I've had to deal with his verbal and physical abuses, and now he's begging me back. I can't live like this, but I also know it seems impossible to live without him in my life, in any way.

"I don't know," I finally say, because I don't think Gary will ever get that he needs to be more than he is now. That he needs to work on his mental issues. I've tried helping him in the past, and I've learned they haven't done much good. So I'm at a total loss at what to tell him. I just know it's hard dealing with him and his family. And no matter what I feel for him, even if a part of me wants to take him back, I just can't. Not until he changes.

He moves in close to me and runs his fingers down my face.

"Gary-" I start, my voice low but warning him to back off.

He ignores me anyway, his forehead pressing against mine, then his lips graze mine before he kisses me fully on the mouth.

I think about kissing him back, but the spark isn't there, because all I can think about is the scene with his family, about how he broke things off between us a while back, about how he still expected sex with no other attachments. And it hurts. It hurts really bad. So I put a hand on his shoulder, breaking us apart, and look down.

He grazes his forehead against my face, breathing deeply. When we both hear something from the porch, we pull away fast and look up, but see no one.

"Let's just go," I say, not looking at him as I march to the car.

Lana comes out onto the porch as I get in the driver's side of the car, but I'm no longer in the mood to talk to anyone, especially with the awkward scene that just happened. So I warm the car as I wait for him, as he tells his mom goodbye, as they both hug. Then I look straight at the road as he comes back to the car. A rush of cold air fills the warm car and I feel the tension as he slumps down in the seat. He doesn't speak as I put the car in drive and pull away from the curb.

I turn the radio on to keep myself from thinking too much, and neither one of us speaks the whole six hour ride back to Tanner.


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

**Monday, December 1st 2008**

I have an uneasy feeling in my stomach as I stir my hot chocolate. I look across the table at Dylan as he pours some sugar into his coffee. He likes coming to this coffee shop in town, but I feel out of place among some of the older people here.

"So Thanksgiving is over with," Dylan starts. "What are your plans for Christmas now?"

I raise my brows. "That's something I don't want to think about right now."

"Thanksgiving was that bad?"

I fold my arms on the table and cough, ignoring him. "This is good hot chocolate."

I see him smile at me out of the corner of my eye. "Why do you always do that?"

"Do what?" I look at him, confused.

"Change the subject."

"Sorry."

"It's okay, I just want to get to know you more."

I sigh, look at him long and hard, then say, "Thanksgiving was going fine, until we went to Gary's grandfather's house Friday."

"Why, what happened?"

As much as I feel like I should keep this to myself, I have the urge to tell him, to confide in him, because inside I'm still hurting. "Gary got into an argument with his family, and we left during dinner. We weren't even there an hour."

Dylan whistles. "Talk about drama, huh?"

"Yeah, but never mind, it's not important."

"Well it must be since you haven't talked much to me since I picked you up."

"I'm sorry. I'm just worried about.."

"Gary?" Dylan finishes for me.

I poke my spoon into my cup, trying to keep composed. "Yeah," I say, then look up at him. And I can tell, from the way he looks at me, that he can see the pain on my face.

"Pete, I don't mean to pry, but did you and Gary date?"

I don't want to lie to him, and I'm tired of keeping things in. So I look at him straight and say, "Yeah, we dated."

He nods his head. "When did you break up?"

"Um," I sigh, now feeling a little nervous. What's he going to say when he finds out it hasn't been that long? "A little over two months?"

"Oh wow. How long were you together?"

"Almost a year and a half."

"And you two..still hang out together?"

"We're still good friends."

"It's just a little odd. I've never seen anyone break up with someone and continue to hang out with them like you both do."

My chest tightens at that. "Okay, well, I'm sorry." I can't help it, I get angry at that, and stand up to leave. "I should go." I walk away before he can say anything else, but I hear him call after me as I make my way through the cafe and out the door.

"Pete!"

I don't stop walking as he calls after me, as cold flakes hit my face.

"Pete, stop!"

I feel his hand on me, and I finally stop when he steps in front of me, but I don't look up. "I don't want to talk about it anymore, I've embarrassed myself."

"Why are you embarrassed? I didn't mean any offense, Pete. God, you're so sensitive."

I look away at that, gritting my teeth, angry. "Tell me something I don't know."

"I didn't mean it like that, either. I like that about you."

"Why?"

"Because I don't know too many shy guys like you who are hard to read. You're not exactly an open book, Pete Kowalski, and I admire that."

He puts a finger to my cheek, then bends down to kiss me, and I let him.

* * *

When I get back to the dorm it's late, around ten. I'm tired so I plan on going straight to bed, unless Gary and Norman are up. Unfortunately, they are, and to my surprise they're both talking when I get in the room. They both look at me when I come in, and there's a weird awkward silence in the air.

"What?" I say.

"Nothing," Gary says. "Norman and I were just talking."

"Okay." I close the door and pull off my coat, then sit on my bed. I take my shoes off and the tension releases as Norman sits across from me.

"So Pete, if you don't have any plans this weekend, Gary and I were talking about going ice skating with Crystal and her friend Want to come? You can bring Dylan."

"Um, sure," I say. "But since when does Gary ice-skate?" I look at him funny.

Gary shrugs. "Crystal brought it up, I figured I'd give her a chance."

"A chance?"

"Yeah, you know, a chance. Dating." He shakes his head, rolls his eyes and looks away.

"Okay, I'll ask Dylan. So you're bringing a date too, Norman?"

"Yes, I guess. I mean, I don't know. She's friends with Crystal. Gary said she'd set me up with her."

"Alright, fine. Count me in." I don't mind going, but right now I just want to be away from Gary, because now I'm really starting to feel that awkwardness between us. And the deeper I get in with Dylan, the harder it is to be just friends with him. Maybe Dylan's right, about it being odd for two people who dated to still be friends as close as we are. Maybe I just need to distance myself from him.

I push all my feelings away as I grab a change of clothes and head to the bathroom. Being around Gary is still painful, especially since I know he still wants me. But I can't deal with it right now. I like Dylan and I want to give him a chance. For once, I just want to know what it's like to be in a normal relationship, without the teasing and abuse.

For once, I just want to feel normal.

**Friday, December 5th 2008**

I feel weird being at an ice-skating rink with Gary, while he's with Crystal. Even weirder is Norman being here with us, as if we're all just some big happy group hanging out together. Norman helped ease the tension between me and Gary in the car, though, and he's a good friend, so I'm glad he's here.

I'm not good at ice-skating, so when I get out on the rink, I hold on to the rails on the side, and wobble a lot along the way. Crystal is surprisingly good at it, and I notice her eyes are all over Gary the whole time she skates. But there's no reason for me to care about that, and I don't.

"Need some help?"

I look over to see Dylan smiling beside me.

"Um, I think I've got it. Sort of."

"Here, just hold my hand."

I bite my lip, hesitating. I'm still not completely used to holding hands in public. Maybe if two guys together were more accepted, I'd have no problem, but I get afraid of rude comments from people. It's happened before, but this area is a bit more tame since it's full of college students. So, finally, I take his hand and let go of the rail. He holds my hand tight but I still wobble, so I end up holding on to his arm instead. He steadies me, which helps a little bit. I laugh as I try to get the hang of it.

"I feel so stupid," I say.

"Well, you're not," Dylan says. "You're doing great."

"Thanks."

I look up ahead to see Gary skating with Crystal, his hands in his pockets as she holds onto his arm. He looks over at me and Dylan when they reach the other side of the rink, and I quickly look down, not wanting him to get the idea that I'm staring at him the whole time. I know he's on a date with Crystal and I don't care. I just wish I could tell my heart to stop beating so fast every time he looks at me. I guess my heart is pretty stupid. At least I have enough sense in my brain to not give into him. Like I told him before, he needs to change a bit for me to go back to him. He needs to start taking his meds regularly, adjust his attitude and lighten up on being so controlling. I've had all I can take, but if he would just work on those things-

"Hey, Pete, you alright?"

I look up at Dylan and force a smile. "Yeah, just..focusing. I think I'm getting the hang of it now." I let go of his arm and almost lose my balance, but I stay upright. I watch Dylan skate and just try my best to do what he's doing.

About five minutes later I'm skating alone while Dylan gets us something to drink, and I'm doing better. Norman comes up beside me, as if he's been skating for years, and smiles at me. "What?" I ask, looking over at him.

"Ally's told me some interesting things about Gary and Crystal," he says.

I narrow my eyes. "What kind of things?" I try not to act too curious.

"Oh, just that she thinks he's the best guy in the world. And apparently that guy Jared he was hanging with for a while, he was one of Crystal's good guy friends who wanted to date her, but she turned him down. Since Gary and Crystal started dating, they haven't hung out, which is why we haven't seen Jared since the party."

"So Jared's out of the picture, that's good at least. I think he was a bad influence on Gary."

"But that's not all." Norman looks around before continuing quietly. "Ally said that Crystal told her she's already 'done it' with Gary."

My heart seems to clench at that, or stop all together, and I don't feel the next beat. "Why would she tell _you_ that? Isn't someone's sex kind of confidential?"

"No, everyone likes to blab that kind of thing, especially girls. And girls, I've found out, love gossiping to whoever will listen."

"Some friend," I mumble.

"That's not the point."

"So what is the point, Norman? Why did you tell me that? You know I'm still trying to get over him, that just makes things worse." I don't realize I've stopped skating and am practically yelling at him now. A few people look over at us as they skate by.

"I'm not trying to hurt you, Pete. I'm telling you because I've seen how you are with him. And, well, ever since you told me you'd be willing to take him back if he changed, I thought I'd try and help."

"How is telling me _that_ helping?"

"I thought you'd want to know because that's what friends do, they let each other know secrets. Well, Gary isn't hanging around bad influences like Jared, because he's with Crystal."

I grip the rail on the side and look over at him. I can't stay mad at Norman long. The guy really is innocent, you can see it on his face, and I know he really didn't mean any harm in telling me. He was just letting me know, like a true friend. Still, though, maybe he should have kept this secret to himself.

"Thanks, Norman," I say. "I'm not sure how that helped me other than feeling sick now, but, thanks, I guess."

"I'm sorry. You know, it probably isn't true anyway, you know?"

"I have a feeling it is."

"I'm sorry, Pete."

"Forget it. I'm glad you told me, even though it isn't my business." I start skating again beside Norman, letting go of the rail, but I go a little too fast as we round the curve to circle back around, and end up losing my balance. I fall right on my butt, hard, and a few people snicker as they skate by, including Norman. He stops on his skates and makes his way back to me, but I feel someone's arms lift me up from behind. They lift me to my feet, then hold on to me to help me keep my balance.

I look over, ready to say thanks, when I see Gary, his cheeks red from the cold against his clear skin and his eyes bright and full of energy. He takes my breath away, and I have to look away so he doesn't see the smile on my face.

"Thanks," I say.

"No problem, that was pretty funny, femme-boy. You okay?" There's a laugh in his voice, but the fact that he asks if I'm okay, along with calling me by my old nickname that only he can call me, makes me bite my lip.

"Yeah, I'm fine. It was bound to happen."

Norman is snickering behind his hand when he comes up to me. "Don't worry, Pete, I've done it plenty of times before."

"Yeah, just shake it off, baby." Gary slaps my butt with his hand, making me jump, then chuckles at me as he skates away. I know he was joking, but I know we both liked that too much. And my stupid self likes it when he calls me anything endearing, even if it's joking. And for him to slap my butt.. "Why don't I just go back to him, Norman?" I start skating beside him again.

"Because you're afraid of the same thing happening. I'm here to remind you of why you won't go back to Gary unless he changes. Do you not remember our conversation?"

"Yes, but when he does stuff like that, and when you told me about him and Crystal, it makes me a little..jealous."

"Of course it does. It's obvious you two want to get back together, but you want Gary to be more."

"That's what I keep telling myself."

We both stop at the door that leads out of the rink. I'm ready to get off the ice for a while.

"So, would you rather he not change?" Norman asks.

"I don't know what I want, Norman, that's the problem. I feel confused, I guess. If I hadn't met Dylan, I would have taken him back over Thanksgiving break. But dating him is so different from Gary. It isn't as hard."

"Hm, give it a couple of months, you'll find something you don't like. That's how relationships work." He pats my back before leaving the rink, and I follow right behind him.

When I come through the door I see Dylan sitting on a bench with two drinks. I suddenly hope he didn't see me fall, or see Gary slap my butt, especially since now he knows that we both dated. It must be weird to him to be hanging out with your boyfriend and his ex. He hasn't said much to him, though, and they've both kept their distance.

"Hey," Dylan starts. "Got you some hot chocolate."

"Thanks." He hands me the cup as I sit down beside him.

"Getting used to it now?" he asks, nodding towards the rink.

"Yeah, just a little cold now."

"We can go soon if you want. I think Crystal said something about eating at Waffle Hut."

"Sure, whatever you want to do is fine."

I sip at my hot chocolate, thinking about what Norman said about Gary and Crystal. I wonder if it's true, if he's really already had sex with her. Gary had mentioned it to me before, after still having wanted sex with me. It rubbed me the wrong way, made me hurt inside. It still does, and now that he really is doing it with her, it makes me feel worse. Now I feel like I've blown my chance at getting back together with him. But maybe it's good that I know, that Norman told me, because it all sums up one thing.

Maybe I'm not meant to be with Gary.

* * *

When we all get to the Waffle Hut, things aren't as awkward as I thought they'd be, but that's because of Norman and Ally. Both of them like to talk, and cut up. I'm glad for that, though, because Norman makes Dylan laugh, and Ally gives Crystal some company by not being the only girl in the group. Gary talks some, but I'm the quiet one at the table. I guess I've got too much on my mind, too much to think about. And seeing Gary with his arm around Crystal across the table, it makes my chest hurt, real bad. I'm with Dylan, of course, but for some reason I feel alone. And the best part about that is that the whole group accepts us, so if he grabs my hand, like he does now, I don't mind.

Me and Gary went back and forth on that one. At first it was me who didn't want to publicize our relationship, then I lightened up and wanted us to. But when I mentioned it, Gary wasn't too keen on it. I don't know what changed him, he had told me he liked the secrecy of our relationship, but I feel it was more than that. Probably his family since they give him so much trouble about everything else. And I get it, with his dad and uncle and grandfather and all. But still..Dylan is so nice about it and doesn't mind. Gary did.

"DC? Yeah, I've been there. We went on a field trip my senior year of high school."

I look over at Norman, who's talking to Dylan, Crystal and Ally about his trip to DC. Dylan's been there before, so they start talking about different tourist attractions and monuments there. Dylan seems into history, but I'll be he's never dressed up as a German Nazi before, like my ex-boyfriend sitting across the table.

I can tell, by the look on Gary's face, that he's bored with the conversation. When I look at him, he sighs and says, "I need a smoke. Pete, you want to come out with me?"

I know what I want to say, but I don't know what to do. Would Dylan find it strange if I went outside with Gary, the guy he _knows _is my ex-boyfriend, yet we still hang out? And he knows I'm still getting over him. Would it be the right thing to do?

Surprisingly, though, Dylan nudges me and smiles, telling me to go on, so I do. I follow Gary outside and stand on the sidewalk with him, in plain view of the windows so Dylan doesn't get suspicious or anything. The last thing I want is for him to think me and Gary still have something going on, even though he never knows about when we're in our room together. I told Dylan the other day, though, that me and Gary hardly ever see each other in our room anymore. One of us is always out while the other is in, and more than likely one of us is with Norman more than the other.

Gary stands to the left of me, so he doesn't blow smoke my way, and I keep my distance from him for more than that reason. "So are you and Dylan getting pretty serious?" he asks, as he puts a cigarette in his mouth. He lights it, then inhales deeply.

"Um, not really. I mean, we're just dating. What about you and Crystal?"

He shrugs. "Not really. I think she likes me more than I like her, which isn't very much."

"Then why are you dating her?"

"Because I want to." His voice is full of something I've heard before. A mixture of cocky attitude and jealousy.

"Okay, well, in the meantime, since we're both dating other people and all, you might want to lighten up on doing stuff, like smacking my butt."

He snaps his head over at me at that. "What?"

"At the skating rink, you helped me up then smacked my butt. If Crystal or Dylan saw that, they wouldn't like it."

"Yeah, except they know we're best friends and joking around. That's all." He shakes his head.

"Not Dylan."

He stares, no, _glares_ at me when I say that. I bite my lip, afraid of his what he'll say.

"Did you _tell _him about us?"

"He asked. What was I supposed to do, lie?"

"Yes," he says harshly. "No wonder Crystal's been weird around me all night. No doubt Dylan told her."

"Weird?"

"Yeah, more clingy, giggly, teasing. Just, weird."

"Sounds pretty normal to me."

"What do you know?" He takes another drag from his cigarette, then blows it away from me.

"Why is it such a big deal?"

"Because now neither one of them is going to like the idea of us being roommates, or friends."

"We're all hanging out right now, they seem pretty lenient about the whole thing. Besides, it's not like you're attached to Crystal, you just have to have someone to use."

He stomps his cigarette out at that and takes a few steps towards me, angry, but then he stops and his face softens. "Maybe you're right, or maybe I just miss you."

I sigh and close my eyes, suddenly tired of arguing. "Why are we doing this? Why do we always end up arguing? It's like we're a married couple."

"If it means you'll talk to me, I'll argue with you every day."

I look over at him at that. "You think I don't talk to you?"

"You've been avoiding me, yeah."

"Like how you avoided me when we first got here? Like when you went off with Jared and wanted to leave me out? Right."

"What do you want me to say? I felt like we needed some space, but now I'm starting to miss it. Pete, I never meant to hurt you. I just wanted to know how it felt to be single again."

"Oh please, would you just stop with the excuses? That's all you've done since we broke up. Excuse after excuse, all of them lies. Why don't you just start being honest with yourself and tell me the real reason why you broke us up, because I have a feeling you haven't been honest with me. I'm sick of it, Gary, and this is exactly what I'm talking about when I say you need to change. For one, you can start with the damn lies." I turn on my heel at that and make my way back inside.

I'm shaking by the time I get back to the booth, but I'm not cold. I'm upset and feel sick, so I don't eat anything when I come back to our food being on the table. I ask for a box instead. Gary comes back in a few minutes later and eats a little. I make a note to not look up at him, and I know the whole table can feel the tension between us. Luckily, we leave soon after we all eat, and I'm more than happy to get out.

I avoid Gary as I say bye to the others. Gary takes Crystal and Ally home, Norman riding with him too. I'm glad the two of them are getting along a little better now. And since they're all riding together, it's just me and Dylan on the ride back to campus. When I get in his car I don't talk for a while. All I can think about is Gary and how upset he made me by being a hypocrite. I can't believe he'd make me feel bad for avoiding him, when he's done the same thing for months. And then all of a sudden when he wants to be around me again, I'm supposed to just give him what he wants?

"Hey, Pete, you alright?"

I look over at Dylan and smile. "Yeah, I'm fine."

"You seem very distracted lately, especially tonight."

"Just a lot on my mind."

"Everything okay with you and Gary?"

I hesitate, wondering what to tell him. "I don't know." I remember what I told Gary about him being honest, and it makes me want to be honest with Dylan, so I say, "Gary wants me back, but I told him I don't want to."

Dylan doesn't say anything at first, then, "I kind of had a feeling he still had feelings."

"You did?"

"Yeah, I mean, I can just see it in the way he looks at you. And he might have threatened me a few times."

"_What?_" I almost shriek. "Gary _threatened _you? What the hell?"

Dylan laughs as he looks ahead at the road. "It's okay, Pete, it wasn't anything like that. He's just smart with me, and tonight he told me if I break your heart, that I'll 'pay' for it."

"Jeez," I mumble. "He's such a pain sometimes."

"Well, if you want to move on, you can always move out of the dorm."

"And leave Norman with him?"

He shrugs. "Just a suggestion."

Dylan wants me to move out of my room with Gary? While my heart still aches for him? It isn't a bad idea, but I'm also not too keen on it. Not yet, anyway.

"I'm not saying you have to, just may help your situation."

"Thanks." I smile at him. He's too nice, so nice it makes me sick.

The rest of the ride home we talk and listen to music, which is different. We like a lot of the same music, but he's into more Indie kind of stuff, and I've gotten used to listening to Gary's kind of music. When we get to the dorm, Dylan walks up to the second floor, where his room is on, and I follow behind him.

"You want to come hang out in my room?" he asks. "My roommates are gone for the weekend."

"Sure," I say. I follow him down the hallway, where a few people are lingering, talking, and into his room.

He closes the door behind us and I look around. I notice it looks a little messy, but the bed Dylan sits on is made up and his area is clean and tidy. He pats on the bed with his hand, wanting me to sit beside him, so I do, but I'm a little tense. We've kissed before, but I haven't been alone with him in his room. There's quite a few things kissing him in here could lead to, and I don't know if I want to do that with him, not while my heart is still aching for Gary. But then I think about what Norman told me, about Gary and Crystal having sex, and suddenly it makes me want to do it with Dylan, but I don't want to rush things.

"Your side of the room is so organized," I say, breaking the awkward silence.

"I like things organized but the other guys, not so much."

"Um, I meant to tell you sorry, about tonight. I didn't mean to ruin the rest of the night with Gary and all."

"Pete, don't worry about it. You didn't ruin anything." He puts a hand on my leg and smiles before leaning down and kissing me on my cheek. He lingers near my face, then kisses my neck. I cringe, but only because it gives me goosebumps.

I feel his hands touch my face, turning it around to kiss his lips. Then one of his hands moves down my waist and touches my thigh. His hand is close, too close, to other parts I don't want to get going right now. I want to take things slow between us, but he suddenly seems in a rush. His hand grips me and pulls me closer, then I feel his fingers on the button of my pants and I have to stop him.

"Um," I start. "I'm not sure about that yet."

"I'm sorry. Am I going too fast?"

"Let's just slow down a bit."

"Alright."

He kisses me again, and this time I get more into it, which makes it harder to stop him when he starts groping me again. And despite what I think about slowing down, I want this, need it. So I let him topple over on top of me, let him feel me, until he puts his hand up my shirt. Then I start feeling weird with him, like maybe we shouldn't go any further than kissing right now. On top of it all, I start thinking about Gary, about how different this was with him. About how much I loved it. But this, suddenly Dylan seems different, and I don't really like it, so I stop what we're doing.

"What's wrong?" he says.

"I just..I'm not sure about all this."

"Come on, Pete, I know you've done this before. I'm dying to get a taste," he whispers against my ear.

Something in the way he says it rubs me the wrong way, and I get a knot in my stomach, but I feel a bit under pressure by him, and don't know what to do, so I go along for now. "Okay," I say, and let him take off my shirt.

After that, things go a little further than I want them to, but I don't know what to do, what to say. It's quiet, and the knot in my stomach is growing with every hard kiss he gives me. Then we're both naked and he takes my erection in his hand and goes down on me. And it feels good, it really does. I won't stop him at this point, if this is all we're doing. I can go with that.

Until he probes his finger at me.

I jump, startling him, and he looks up at me. "I'm not ready for that yet," I say.

He hovers over me, bearing all his weight on me, and kisses my neck. "Come on, Pete, I can make you feel good."

I'm tongue-tied, unsure of what to do, and his hands have a good grip on my arms, holding them down. I don't want it, but he pushes his erection against me anyway. It starts hurting and I tell him to stop, but he doesn't.

He doesn't.

Then there's pain and a sharp tightness, and a few tears spring from my eyes.

He coos in my ear, telling me it's alright, that he'll make me feel good. But why can't he hear my weak voice telling him to stop? Why is he holding me down? Why is he hurting me?

Why?


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16**

When I leave Dylan's room, I feel numb inside, and also in physical pain. He offered to walk me up to my room, but I told him it was okay. Truth is, I didn't want him to, because what he did has made me afraid of him. He tried to make out to look like I ended up enjoying it, because I had stopped telling him no, but I never stopped crying, and he never stopped doing it. He convinced me that it had felt good, but now that I'm out in the hallway alone, I know it was nothing more than manipulation.

I want to get away from his room, and off this hall, so I head for the stairs because the elevator is too slow. I hurry to the third floor and to my room, hoping Gary is there. But he isn't, and neither is Norman. I lock the door behind me and stand against it, sliding to the floor until I'm sitting. I wrap my arms around myself and place my forehead on my knees. How could I have let him take advantage of me? How am I supposed to approach him now? Why did I let myself trust him so easily?

What am I supposed to do?

I sit against the door for a long time, losing track of time, just quietly crying amid the silence. I hear several guys talking and laughing as they go to their room, but none of them are Gary, which makes me feel worse.

After what seems like an hour or so, I hear the knob turn, but the door doesn't open because I remember I've locked it. I get a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach as I stand up and look at it.

"Who is it?" I ask, my voice shaky.

"The damned ice-cream man, Petey, who do you think?"

I'm so relieved to hear Gary's voice behind the door that I almost smile. I rush the door and unlock it, glad to see him.

He raises a brow at me as he comes in, but I don't see Norman with him. "Why is the door locked? You hiding that pansy in here or something?"

That knot returns to my stomach and makes me feel sick. "No," I snap.

He shuts the door and looks at me. "You been crying?"

I look away, scratching at my neck. "I'm fine."

"He broke up with you, didn't he?"

"No, he didn't."

"Then why are you crying?"

"Just don't worry about it, Gary," I whisper, looking up at him. There's no way I'm telling him about what happened, because I know he'll go right down there and beat Dylan up. And the last thing I want is for the one person I want to console me to be in jail.

"Fine, whatever, you don't tell me, I can't help you."

I sit down on my bed and stare at the floor, which stops Gary in his tracks. I hear him sigh, then feel the bed move as he sits down beside me.

"Look, if it's about earlier, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings or whatever."

"It wasn't that, Gary. I should be apologizing. I didn't mean to call you out, bring up the past and throw it in your face."

"Forget it." He looks at me long and hard before nudging me with his elbow. "So you going to tell me what's going on?"

"Just not a good night, I guess." I look around the room, then back at him, into his brown eyes. "Where's Norman?"

"Outside, talking to his mom."

I'm relieved for that, since it means we're both alone, but since Gary doesn't know what's wrong, and I can't tell him, which makes things even harder.

He stands up and takes his jacket off, then his over shirt, so that all he's in is his white under shirt. "So, are we good then?"

I stand up and smile. "Yeah, we're good." Then I do something stupid. I take a step towards him and lean my forehead against his chest, because I need him right now, even if he doesn't know why, even if he's with Crystal and I'm with Dylan. I just need his comfort, as a friend.

And he gives it. His arms embrace me and I want to cry against him, to tell him I was stupid and that I want him back. That I'll take all his flaws, that he doesn't have to change for me. I just don't want to lose him. But I know if I end up telling him what happened, the first thing he'll do is go downstairs and do something to Dylan. I really don't want him to end up behind locked doors again, like at the asylum. I just can't deal with it, so I keep quiet. He asks what's wrong again, but I shake my head, unable to tell him, just wanting his comfort instead.

I pull away from him, then grab some clothes and head to the bathroom down the hall, leaving him confused to wonder what's up with me. I see Norman along the way, still on his cell phone. He waves to me and I smile slightly at him before continuing on to the bathroom. Once I get in the shower, I make it so hot I can see the steam, and scrub myself where Dylan touched me, which is everywhere. I start crying again in there, I can't help it, but I try not to, because I've tried so hard this year to stop being such a wimp. Then this happens.

I look down at myself, then at my hands, and begin shaking. I see a few bruises on my wrists as I turn them over. I'm reminded of when Gary hit me, and left a bruise on my eye, but this is worse. I don't recall Gary ever forcing me to have sex with him. And if I ever told him to stop, he stopped. Gary's done a lot of things to hurt me, though, emotionally and physically, so I don't know why this would be any different. But it _is_ different. Gary's physical bullying stopped when we got together, and after that, if anything, he would throw some words at me. But Gary, he has problems, and I know he's tried working on them. But this..I thought Dylan was different. I never expected him to do that to me. I'd take a thousand punches from Gary before being forced to do something I don't want to do like _that_.

Then it hits me. This whole time it's occurred to me why I'm even with Dylan in the first place. To get back at Gary. Because he broke us up for his own selfish reasons and broke my heart. Because I wanted him to feel the same pain he made me feel. That, deep down, it has nothing to do with him changing, because I know too well that I'd take him back right now if I knew he wouldn't go kill Dylan. That's why it's better to keep quiet, for right now.

But it hurts, and now I hate Dylan. The only thing is, how do I let him know that what he did was wrong? Will he try and deny it? I just want to stay away from him, I don't want him near me, so I'll have to avoid him as best as I can.

* * *

I stay in the dorm room all day the next day, playing games on the new TV Norman bought after Gary smashed the last one. That seemed like so long ago now. Norman's been in and out of the room all day, saying each time he comes in that he needs to study for his big final before break, but all he's doing is procrastinating.

Around four o'clock Norman goes to get us something to eat from town, leaving me alone for awhile. I lock the door after he leaves, and keep my mind busy with the games, trying not to think about Dylan, but it's hard to when he keeps spamming my phone with texts. I haven't answered any of them, which should be a hint to stop sending them. I'm upset with him, but he doesn't see it, apparently. Why do I always attract the psychos?

My phone beeps again and I growl, annoyed. I pause my game and flip open my phone.

_"I really am sorry if I did something to upset you. Could you just call me, please?"_

"Hell no," I say out loud. "Fuck you, Dylan." I toss my phone onto my bed and resume playing my game. There's no way I'm talking to him, or even going anywhere near him. I could go to the police on his ass, I'm just too scared to do it, and I think he knows I won't.

About thirty minutes later, I hear a knock on the door, and my first thought is to let Norman in, but I freeze as I stand up. Norman has a key. We all do, but he keeps his on him all the time. Then I hear him, Dylan's voice behind the door.

"Pete, you in there?"

I back up until I hit the wall, and swallow hard. My hand goes to the desk sitting in front of the window and, without looking, I search for something, anything, to defend myself if he finds a way in here. My hand finds a wooden bat that belongs to Norman, sitting beside the desk. I grip it tightly in my hand, bringing it in front of me.

"I just want to say I'm sorry, if things went too fast for you. I'd really like to talk to you."

Silence.

"Pete?"

I can hardly breathe, my face is so hot and my stomach is in the worst knot ever. My eyes widen when I hear him turn the knob a few times, and my breathing picks up, in and out, deeply, afraid. What is he doing? Trying to break in?

Then I hear a sigh from behind the door, and I know he's gone when I see his shadow move away from underneath. I let out a big breath of air and lean over onto the desk for support. With shaking fingers, I place the bat down beside me. I close my eyes, composing myself. Then I hear the knob turn again and my fingers instinctively close around the bat again. I plaster myself against the wall as I hear him trying to get in. The knob rattles and the door opens. I hold the bat up, ready to defend myself if he comes near me, but when the door swings fully open, I see it's only Norman.

I let out yet another breath of air and lean my head back against the wall. It's only Norman, it's only Norman.

"Um," he starts, looking around the room, then back at me. "What's going on?" He closes the door with his foot, his hands full of a bag of food and drinks.

"Nothing," I say. "I-I thought I heard something."

He narrows his eyes at me as he sets the food down on the desk. "I saw Dylan on my way back here. He asked me where you were and I said you were in here. He told me to tell you to call him." He folds his arms across his chest. "So what's going on?"

I sit down on my bed and sigh. "We just..I think it's over."

He raises his brows. "Really? Wait, so, what was with the bat?"

"I told you, I heard something."

"So when Dylan asked where you were, you weren't in here, holding that bat with the door locked?"

I roll my eyes and lay back on the bed. "He scared me last night, okay?"

"So much that you lock the guy out while you stand behind the door with a bat?"

"Look, I don't want to talk about it, okay?"

"Pete, what happened?"

I shake my head, not wanting to tell him, but he keeps on anyway.

"Did he hurt you?"

I shrug.

"Pete, _did he hurt you_?"

I look up at him at that, and with my jaw clenching in my anger, I say, "I told him to stop, but he wouldn't."

It dawns on Norman and he gives me a look of sympathy. "Man," he starts, then sits down beside me on the bed. "Are you alright?"

"I will be, eventually, but right now I don't want anything to do with him."

"You need to go to the police about this."

"No," I snap. "The last thing I want is to take some guy to court. You know, it had to be somewhat consensual anyway."

"If you didn't want it, then it wasn't consensual. You know rape isn't just when someone is beaten and taken with them kicking and screaming. If you told him to stop and he kept on-"

"Don't say that, God, I feel like such a wimp."

"You're not a wimp, Pete, this can happen to anyone."

"Why'd it have to happen to me? And to think I liked him before."

"You didn't know he was like that."

I look at him straight, then smile a bit. "Thanks, Norman. Just, do me a favor, and don't tell Gary. If he knew he'd probably kill the guy, and I wish I was kidding about that."

"I don't think it's right to keep it from him, or keeping it secret overall."

"Well I have a right to not do anything about it, and I'm not. All I'm asking is to not tell him. Just let it be, and if you ever see Dylan around, let me know so I can avoid him."

"I'll do more than that. I'll tell him to leave you alone, that you don't want anything to do with him."

"Thanks but, I think ignoring him will do for now, unless he asks you about me. He's been blowing up my phone all day with texts. I don't know whether to respond or what."

"Hm." Norman puts a finger to his chin and takes a sip of his drink. "I'd text him back and tell him you really didn't appreciate what happened last night, that you felt forced and it scared you, so you don't want to see him again."

I nod my head and pick up my phone. I text Dylan exactly what Norman told me, and hope that gets him off my back. Norman and I start eating our food, but my appetite isn't really there, because I've had a sick feeling in my stomach all day. Midway through a bite of a cheeseburger, I get a text back from Dylan.

_"I'm sorry if I hurt you. I thought last night was great, you seemed to be enjoying it too."_

My eyes widen. "Are you fucking serious?" I say out loud.

"What?" Norman looks at me, curious.

"He's making it out to look like he did nothing wrong."

"Don't let him manipulate you. Even if you don't go to the police about it, you can still threaten him, so if you want him to back off, just mention doing that."

I take Norman's suggestion into consideration, but I word my threat a little differently. _"I didn't enjoy it, and you know it. I told you I wanted you to stop, but you kept on. You didn't even use protection or anything. You just did whatever you wanted. Whatever was between us before is gone. I don't want to see you again so please stop texting and calling me. I have friends to back me up, more importantly, I have Gary, and you don't want to piss him off. Trust me." _

I'm shaking by the time I'm done texting that. I let Norman read what I wrote and he snickers at the last part. A few minutes later, I get a text back from him. With shaking fingers, I read it aloud to Norman.

"'I didn't know you really wanted me to stop. I thought we were just being kinky, but I'm sorry. I guess this is what it's like to be used and then left the next day'." I purse my lips and grit my teeth, hard. My hand clenches around my phone, then the next thing I know I've thrown it against the wall until it breaks open and falls to the floor. "What a fucking liar, and creep," I seethe. I get so angry I tighten my fingers in my hair and pull slightly.

"He turned it around on you, made you look like it was you."

"Fuck him."

The one thing I want right now, more than anything, is Gary, but I know going to him for love and affection would only make me think about Dylan, and I know I'll end up caving in and telling him what happened. But I don't want to lose Gary, I don't want him to get trouble for doing something bad to Dylan if I tell him. So I'll just have to endure it, I'll just have to go to him for his company, because I'm craving it now more than ever.


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17**

**Sunday, January 4th 2009**

"Bullworth was never as busy as this place in the winter."

I look over at Gary, taking in a sharp breath of air, then blow it out as I look around at all the little shops in town. It's really cold, but we both wanted to hang out and wanted to do something else besides going out to eat, so we both settled to walk around some shops. It's snowing, but it's light. Gary hates it, he can't stand the cold, or being wet from the snow.

"Why aren't you talking to me?" Gary asks.

I look up at him, surprised. "I'm sorry, I just have a lot on my mind."

"Like Dylan?"

"No."

"Hm."

I look up at him, eying him curiously. "What?"

"Crystal told me the other day that you and Dylan broke up."

I look down at my feet as I walk, my chest tightening at the mention of his name. "Yeah, so?"

"Why didn't you tell me?"

I shrug. "Didn't think it was that big of a deal."

"Is that why you've been hanging out with me more lately? You upset? Did he break your heart?"

"I broke up with him."

There's a slight pause, then, "Why?"

"Because I just didn't feel that spark, I guess." I speed up, walking faster now, and get a few steps ahead of him.

"Hey, whoa, wait up." He puts a hand on my shoulder and stops me in my tracks. "So you're available now?" He smiles and I roll my eyes.

"Yeah, like I'm gonna go out with you again while you're still with Crystal."

"I'm not with her anymore. We're just friends."

I cross my arms against my chest, unconvinced. "Yeah right."

His eyes go wide at that. "You don't believe me? I swear, it was right before Christmas break."

"Then why didn't _you _tell _me_ before?"

"Because I thought you were still with Dylan."

"Oh," I say. I bite my lip, then look up at him and smile crookedly.

We both continue walking again, but Gary doesn't keep on about us both being single like I thought would.

"I forgot to mention, I got a job."

"Wow, awesome," I say. Gary, a job? Gary, dropping a subject? What gives? "Where at?"

"It's just the Food Mart a few blocks away."

"That's good. When do you start?"

"Tomorrow. They're working with me around my class schedule and stuff."

I can't help but smile, because I don't recall Gary ever working while I've known him. It means he's progressing. "I'm so proud of you, Gary, I really am."

A small smile spreads across his face, but he looks away. It occurs to me that that was probably the first time anyone's ever said they're proud of him. And if I was the first one to say it, no doubt he got a huge ego boost from it.

"You ready to go?" he suddenly asks.

"Sure, my hands are pretty numb."

"Oh, well I can help with that." He grabs my hand, and I feel something stir in my chest. He holds it all the way to the car, and even opens my door for me. When he lets it go, my chest falls, and I instantly miss it.

Once we're in the car, he cranks it and turns the heat on, but we don't go anywhere. We both sit there for awhile, then Gary looks over at me, and I look at him.

"I've noticed you seem a bit withdrawn lately," he starts. "I know it probably has to do with Dylan, but I won't pry."

I don't say anything to that, because he's right, but it's not because we broke up. It's because of what he did that made me break up with him, and I just can't tell him about it right now.

"I'm..trying to do better," he continues. "I'm trying to stay out of your business. But I also can't stop thinking about you. Every day, all the time. Pete." He pauses briefly and takes my hand in his. He intertwines his fingers in mine and brings both of our arms up on the armrest in the middle. "I know I've been a jerk, and I know we've both had a pretty shitty first year here. I'm sorry about what happened over the summer, and about what happened at Thanksgiving. But Pete, I hate myself when I'm not around you. It's like, even when I'm with other people, I still feel alone. Like being in a big crowded room and feeling like the only one there. You make me feel..alive."

I stare ahead at the window, out at the snow falling softly on the windshield. There couldn't be a more peaceable moment for Gary to tell me all that. It's so bittersweet, it makes me squeeze his hand. "I know you're sorry, Gary, and I know you're trying. Maybe we should just wipe the slate clean, and forget about all the crap we've put each other through this year, in the past."

"Not everything. Just one thing, one thing you said to me over Thanksgiving. I can't forget it, because I think about it every day."

I look at him, curious, trying to figure out what he's talking about. "What?"

"You said our relationship wasn't healthy, that it never was. And it just kind of bothered me."

I sigh, but don't let go of his hand. "Well, think about it, Gary. The way we got together. We didn't just ask each other out like normal people. We went straight forward into sex. Then we got to know each other. On top of it we didn't know how to handle each other's emotions. I mean, you've got to admit, we're both complete opposites when it comes to our mental states of mind. I'm, well, more compassionate, and you're more apathetic. Nothing wrong with that, but I think we just..we didn't know how to handle it."

A long silence fills the air, but Gary still hasn't let go of my hand, so I must have said something right. Then, he clears his throat and says, "I want to do things right this time, then. So, Peter Kowalski, would you like to go out with me Friday night, to a movie of your choosing?"

I smile real big, surprised. "Yeah, of course."

He gives my hand one last squeeze before pulling away and putting the car in reverse. "Good, because I wasn't giving you choice to say no." He looks behind him as he backs out, his voice playing on teasing and serious.

I laugh softly, because, regardless of some of the changes Gary's made, he still manages to have those controlling parts of him that are just so.._Gary_. And that alone makes me happy to be with him.

* * *

When we get back to the room I'm relieved to see Norman isn't there, which means Gary and I can be alone. But not because I want to do anything with him. I just want it to be us.

He makes his way to his night stand beside his bed and takes what sounds like a bottle of pills out of his drawer. I don't look at him, but I can see from my peripheral vision that he's taking something. My chest stirs, hopeful that he's taking medicine without being bothered about it. Then he turns around like nothing happened and turns on the TV.

"So," he says. "Want to play a game? I promise I won't break it this time."

I smile at that, remembering the episode he had a few months back. "Sure." I pick up the controller I always use for the Xbox and turn it on.

"How about you use the pink one, and I'll use the black one," he says, trying to take the black controller from me, pushing the pink one into my hand.

"No way." I pull back my arm so he can't get the black one. "I always play with this one."

"But pink is your favorite color."

"No it isn't."

"Yeah it is, you admitted it before."

I roll my eyes. "Sure, whatever. I want you to use the pink one."

He looks down at me weirdly. "Why?"

"Because I think it would look cute."

He sort of laughs at me at that, but he doesn't argue anymore. "Okay, Petey, I'll play with the pink controller. But _only _because you think I'd look cute."

I bite my lip, feeling giddy. I start to sit down in the bean bag chair sitting on the floor, but Gary sits down in it before I do, causing me to fall down into his lap.

"Boy, you move fast," he says.

"I was going to sit here first." I push him, trying to get him off, and get a strong whiff of his cologne. My _God_ it smells so fucking good I just want to bury my face in his neck and smother him kisses. But, as tempting as that is, I hold back. I want us to build our relationship back slowly, the way we should have years ago. So I decide to flirt with him instead, as if it's our first time liking each other all over again.

"Well, you know, I'm not going to complain if you want to sit there the whole time we kill shit on the game." He puts his arms around me so that he can hold the controller in front of me. I definitely consider staying on his lap, until he says, "If you feel something hard, though, that's me getting excited every time move."

I go to move at that, laughing under my breath, but he catches my waist and turns me around to face him. I look down at him, wondering what he wants.

"I know I'm taking you out Friday, and we want to take things slow, but could I have just one kiss?"

I think about a few seconds, then smile and bite my lip. "No," I say, looking at him. "Not yet."

"Tease," he says.

I laugh again as he lets me go and I sit beside him on the floor, against Norman's bed. Maybe I am being a tease, but I know if I kiss him right now, it'll only take a matter of seconds before we lock the door and end up on one our beds. And right now, I just don't know if I can do it. I want to, with him, but ever since that happened with Dylan, I just haven't been in the mood for anything like that, not even going solo. So the last thing I want is for things to get hot and heavy between us, only for me to wimp out and tell him no. And what if _Gary_ didn't stop? I hate thinking it, because I know he would, but what if he didn't? Just this one time, because he hasn't had sex with me for months.

Thinking about it is dampening my mood, so I focus instead on the game we've already started playing. I look up at the screen as Gary picks his character to fight with. "You're being the light elf?" I ask. "You're never the light elf. Weird."

"I was just looking. Sometimes I want to be something different."

"You'll end up picking the dark elf, like you always do."

"Just shut-up." He scrolls through the different characters, ten of them consisting of different races, and I start getting impatient because he's taking so long, but I wait anyway. "I'll just go with the dark elf. They're the best anyway."

"I knew you were going to do that," I mumble.

He mocks me with his voice and starts getting cocky, so I slap him upside the head and he laughs.

As we're playing through the game, I die at one point and have to wait until he's finished fighting one of the bosses to come back, so I take my phone and try to discreetly take a picture of him holding the pink controller.

"Hey, no pics," he says.

"Oh yeah, this one's going online."

"Whatever. Why do we have a pink controller anyway?"

"It's all they had at the store the day I got an extra for us to play with. That was like..a pretty long time ago."

"Oh, I just figured you got it for you because it was your favorite color."

I roll my eyes, then look back a the game. My heart feels better now, with him right here beside me. With the both of us playing a game and not arguing. Not bringing up the past or school or family or friends.

Just us.


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18**

**Friday, January 9th 2009**

It's snowing when Gary and I get to the movie theater. Since Gary told me it was my choice to pick, I looked up movies online before we came and came decided on an action/adventure film. There really isn't a whole lot I won't watch, though. I don't mind horror movies, but Gary is into them more than I am. I'd still go for anything, though, but this one called Sworn Alliance looks promising. The earliest time we could get was seven-forty five and it's a two hour movie, but as long as I'm with Gary, I don't mind.

While Gary gets our tickets, I go to the bathroom, but right as I get to the door I stop dead in my tracks and my face goes white. Across the big open room, standing at the concession stand, is Dylan, with another guy. I swallow hard, that knot in my stomach returning. I don't w ant him to see me so I hurry into the bathroom.

Five minutes later, I come out. I look around the room, hoping Dylan isn't around anymore, but when I go to look for Gary I can't find him. I walk around, looking at the counters where you buy the tickets and at the concession stand. Where did he go?

Then I feel a hand on my shoulder, and I feel a relief. "I was wondering where you-" I stop myself as I turn all the way around. My smile fades and jump back, my eyes wide as I stare up at Dylan.

"Pete," he starts. "Fancy seeing you here. How are you?"

"Fine, I'm fine." Is he seriously trying to talk to me? What the hell?

"It's been a while. I really miss seeing you."

I look down, not really sure what to say. "Yeah," is all I get out.

There's a serious silence between us before he says, "You know, Pete, if I did anything to hurt you, I really am sorry. I really regret anything I did to run you off."

"I think you know what you did, and I'd say the fact that I didn't go to the cops about it got you off the hook, but what you did was still wrong."

I know that he knows what I'm talking about, because his mouth forms into a hard line, as if he doesn't know what to say to that. "The fact that you didn't go to the cops just makes it that much more exciting."

My heart starts racing fast, for all the wrong reasons. I swallow back bile, make a face, then walk away from him, quickly. The fact that he's managed to creep me out more than Gary ever has is impressive, but not in a good way. I want to get as far away from him as I can, but I run into Gary as I'm marching away from him.

"Hey, whoa, in a hurry?" he asks, grabbing my shoulders to steady me. His smile fades when he sees how upset I look. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing, you got the tickets?"

He looks at me, then around the room. His eyes linger on something, on someone, and I know he's spotted Dylan. He takes my hand at that point and gives me my ticket. We make our way through the guy taking tickets, then into one of the theater rooms. He still doesn't let go of my hand as we sit down, and as the movie starts he raises our intertwined fist of fingers and kisses my hand. It makes me smile, but I also find his behavior odd. Gary was always affectionate with me before, and of course there were times when he'd be extra affectionate, like how he is now, but that was always when we were alone, not in public. Either he's changed some or he's jealous of Dylan, but I wish I could tell him there's absolutely no reason for him to be jealous, because as far as I'm concerned, that guy is dead to me.

I manage to make it through the movie alright, but every once in a while Dylan's comment comes creeping back into my mind, and puts that bad feeling in my gut. He really is a creep, I can't believe he and Crystal are related. A part of me wants to tell Gary, so he can go and beat the shit out of him, but the other part doesn't want to, because I'm afraid of that. Because I want to be able to handle this. Because this shouldn't have happened to me. I have to face this problem alone. I can't keep being a wimp.

I try to focus on the movie instead of Dylan's words, so I raise the armrest between me and Gary and move a little closer next to him. He responds by kissing me firmly on my head, which makes me smile, before turning back to the movie. I watch the rest of it with him a little better this way. Knowing he's so close to me makes me feel better.

Once the credits roll and the movie is over, he lets go of my hand as we walk out.

"Not a bad pick, Petey," he says, as we walk outside into the snow.

"Yeah, it was actually pretty good."

We hurry to the car and once we're in Gary puts the heat on, then we make our way back to campus. There's a silence between us, but I know it's from me still being a little upset, and Gary has that look on his face like he wants to say something, but is thinking about it first. It doesn't take long for him to finally ask the question I was expecting him to ask since we left the theater.

"I saw Dylan at the theater," he starts.

Here we go. "Yeah, he was there."

"Is that why you got upset? Did he upset you?"

I think on my next words carefully. "I'd rather not talk about him."

"Pete, look, I know you liked the guy. As much as I hate thinking you still have feelings about him – okay, I _really_ hate that you still have feelings for him, I'm not going to lie-"

"I _don't _have feelings for that asshole," I say, my voice so loud it starts shaking. For him to even suggest it makes me feel sick.

He looks over at me at that for a few seconds, then back at the road. "Then why are you so upset?"

"I don't know."

"Did he hurt you?"

I swallow hard before saying, "No, Gary. Can we just stop talking about him? I don't like him, trust me, he's just..got some weird quirks. He still bothers me sometimes is all, and I wish he'd leave me alone."

"Well, I can fix that for you."

"I'd rather you not, okay?" I stare at him hard until he looks over at me, but I can see it on his face, that look he gets when he wants to stand his ground. "Gary, okay?"

"Sure, whatever, Pete."

He drops the subject and I kick myself inwardly, afraid I've told him too much. He still doesn't know what happened and already he wants to kick his ass.

* * *

"Home sweet home," Gary sings, as we come into our dorm room.

I close the door behind us and lock it, thankful that Norman is gone for the weekend again. He goes to see his family a lot, and I don't mind, because it gives me and Gary some time alone, even though that might be the last thing we need right now, is time alone.

Gary looks at his watch, then heads to his drawer and takes one of his bottles of pills. He's been taking them regularly now, and in front of me, no doubt to show me that he's making changes. But I don't say anything, because any mention of his meds from me makes him a little testy.

"Man, I'm so tired, but my mind just won't shut down. You ever been like that?" He takes off his heavy coat and begins to unbutton his shirt.

"Yeah, I know what you mean." I bite my lip and look away. Watching Gary undress is one thing I love. He just has this sexy way of doing it, and it always turns me on, so I turn around and rummage through my clothes drawer while he changes.

"Hey, come here."

I pause where I'm standing and turn around. His button up shirt is off now, but he's still got his white undershirt and pants on, thank God. I go to him, though, like he requested, and look up at him. "What?"

He takes my chin in his hand and lifts my face up, then bends down and kisses me on my lips. I let him, because I know he's been dying to all week, and so have I. But, just as I thought would happen, he doesn't let it go at just that. Sure, he pecks me a nice soft one on my lips, but then he deepens his kiss until I'm feeling more of him, and eventually his tongue. He's needy, much like I am, but I'm not needy for sex. I'm needy for his comfort. It's all I want or need right now. So I let him kiss me, but tell myself to stop him when I don't want anymore. And make sure he stops.

His left hand runs up my arm and I feel chills. That spark I didn't seem to feel during Thanksgiving is alive once again, igniting into something I can't explain. A burning I can only feel with Gary. And he makes everything okay, all worthwhile. His touches aren't rushed, aren't bruising. There's no pressure here. Just him.

He's the one that pulls away, when he's out of breath, his hand now on my neck, his forehead against mine. "I want to take things slow, Pete, I do, but I can't stop myself right now if we keep going."

"You're going to have to, because I don't want us to go any further than kissing right now."

"Grinding?"

I smile. "No."

"Fine, we'll just make out then." He goes for my mouth again, then pulls me by my waist to the bed.

"Hold on, wait." I break apart from his arms, freaking out a bit. "I told you no."

"I'm not doing anything."

"You're going to the bed."

"We're just making out."

"Yeah, and then that leads to other things."

He stands up straight, his face appalled and confused. "If you don't want it, we won't do it. Simple as that."

I breathe in a shaky breath, then let it out. "Okay," I say. "Just..kissing."

"Yeah, come here."

I go to him, closing my eyes as he embraces me. He takes my face in his hands and lifts my head up to look at him, then kisses me again. I reluctantly sit down on the bed with him, where he leans back against the wall. I sit next to him, my chest burning as I kiss him back. His hands rub my back, pressing me to him more. I love feeling his lips and his hands on me. It makes me feel so much better to do this with someone who I know isn't going to hurt me, who I know I can trust with my body.

Gary is making it really hard to breathe now, but it's not from him kissing my mouth, it's from his lips moving from my mouth to my face and ears and jaw and neck. It makes me feel really hot, and it's _really_ hard to resist him now, especially with his hands wandering up my shirt. It's all so intoxicating, the way he's handling me. Then he lays me back on the bed and hovers over me. He takes embraces me, then presses his lips against mine again, moaning a little.

That's when I have to stop us.

"Gary, wait. Stop."

He pulls away and looks at me, his eyes questioning.

"I want to, I really do, but I don't want us to. Not right now. It's too soon." I laugh, trying to play it off.

"Mm." He places his forehead on my chest and sighs deeply, then he looks up and kisses my lips one last time before moving off me. "Fine, but God, you're such a cock tease."

I sit up and let out a breath of air, relieved. But then my heart begins to ache, because I still want him near me. I wanted us to take things slow too, but it's just too hard. We like touch and feel each other too much. So long as we don't have sex right now, I think we can go ahead and get a jump start on everything else. "Hey," I start. "Since Norman's not here and all, I was thinking you should sleep in my bed."

"Why can't you sleep in mine?"

"Because I can see the TV better from over here, and I was gonna watch it while you fell asleep?"

He laughs at me as he grabs his pillow from his bed. "Cute," he says, tossing it at me. "But you win." He quickly changes out of his clothes and into his pajama shirt and pants. I do the same, since looking at him undress is too tempting. Then he heads towards my bed and plops on the side nearest the wall.

I lean back against my pillow as I search for something on TV, then I feel him suddenly, and rather quickly, embrace my waist and lay his head in my lap. He rubs at my legs like he's a cat, which makes me laugh.

"What are you doing?" I ask, half laughing, half weirded out.

"I'm nuzzling you, moron."

"Why?"

"Because I like you."

That makes me smile, then a thought occurs to me. "So, are we like, going out again or what?"

"If you want us to."

"No, I want _you_ to tell me."

"Well duh, Petey." He sits up now and looks at me. "I broke up with you for stupid and selfish reasons, I don't plan on doing it again."

"Hey, clean slate, remember? We were both dumb about it. I just want to forget anything happened and be with you."

"You got it, baby." He kisses me with a loud smack on my lips before laying down in my lap again.

I put my hand on his head and run my fingers through his hair. I like this 'new' and improved Gary, but I don't know if his behavior is a result of him taking his meds or trying to persuade me to stay with him. But either way, I'm back with him now. I made the decision a month ago, after that night with Dylan, to get back with him if he asked. What happened that night made me realize what I had before, and how stupid I was to not go back to him before when he asked at Thanksgiving. Because I was too busy thinking something might be there between me and Dylan, because I thought Gary wasn't sincere. But now, he's shown me the changes he can make. Now he's got a job, he's taking his meds, and he's laying here in my lap, falling asleep. I just hope it isn't too good to be true. I hope the old Gary doesn't come bursting back through, demanding another break up a year from now.

But it's in the past. At least that's what I've gotta keep telling myself. To stop worrying about him ditching me again. I guess I've just gotta hold him a little tighter this time around, and work on improving myself as well so I don't ever lose him again.


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter 19**

**Sunday, January 11th 2009**

"So, you guys are back together again?"

I look at Norman and nod. He's on his laptop and I'm on the desktop, both of us catching up on school work for tomorrow. At the moment, though, our conversation has shifted from school to what we did over the weekend to me and Gary.

"Yeah," I finally say.

"Well, has he changed?"

"He seems different, like he's improved, but I don't know if it's temporary or not. It doesn't matter, though. Wanting him to change was just an excuse before. It doesn't matter if he changes or not, I know I'll keep going back to him."

"Have you told him?"

"What?"

"You know, about what happened with Dylan."

"No."

Norman sighs and shakes his head. "Why not?"

"Because if I tell him, I know he's going to march down to his room, tear down his door, and beat the shit out of him. And I _wish _I was joking about that, Norman."

"But he's your boyfriend, he deserves the right to know." He's getting all loud about it, but I know I'm right on this one.

"Look, I know I'll have to eventually tell him, I just can't right now. Not here. Not while he's within walking distance of Dylan."

"If it had happened to me, I would totally want someone to kick his ass for me."

"Not Gary. I'm afraid he'd end up in jail, or back in another mental ward."

Norman stands to his feet, taking his laptop with him. "No, I think you're lucky, Pete. You have someone to back you up. It's obvious Gary cares for you. He deserves the right to know. You should tell him."

I sigh heavily. "Alright, I will, but this weekend. We can go visit my dad, so we won't be here when he finds out."

"I'd say that would be best, if you're really that worried. But the longer you don't tell him, the more angry he'll be about it."

"It's just til Friday. It'll be okay."

"Alright then." Norman goes to leave the room when the door opens. It's Gary, so Norman nods at him before leaving, then shuts the door behind him.

"What's going on, sweet cheeks," Gary says, coolly.

I roll my eyes. "Sweet cheeks?"

He chuckles, then bends down to kiss me fully on my lips. It's a short kiss, full of nicotine, but it's sweet and I savor it. When he pulls away I bite my lip, amazed at his ability to make me feel the way I do about him.

"How was work?" I ask.

"Ah, pretty dull. Putting stuff out can get pretty tedious."

"Well, do you know if you have to work this weekend?"

"I'm only working three days a week, Pete. Always Monday, Thursday and Sunday."

"Okay, well I wanted to see if you'd like to go with me to my dad's house."

He looks at me funny at that. "Didn't you just see him at Christmas?"

"Yeah, but I was thinking of going to see him again." I'm pretty sure my dad and Gary's mom are the only two of our families that know about us, so I'd prefer to be around my dad if Gary is with me.

"Sure, yeah."

"Just for one night, you know? We could go Friday after class lets out and get there around eight or so. Then leave Saturday night."

"Or Sunday morning."

"Yeah, we could do that too."

He undoes a few buttons on his shirt, then sits down on his bed. "I'm really tired, but it's hard to get to sleep most of the time."

I know he has trouble getting to sleep. He's had insomnia troubles since high school, no doubt even before that. I know a lot of it has to do with his meds. I can't help but feel bad for him, so I get off the computer and sit down on my bed.

"You want to lay with me for a while?" I ask. "I'll turn on the TV. You seem to fall asleep pretty fast that way lately."

He doesn't say anything, but he nods and stands to his feet, his eyes red and tired. He undresses out of his shirt, then his pants, pulls on his pajamas, and crawls onto the bed with me. Once he gets to me he lays his head down in my lap, like he's done the three other times this week, and watches the TV with me. As I'm flipping through channels, he looks up at me from where he's laying. "Could you play with my hair? It feels really good."

I smile as I put my free hand on his head. He turns back around, and I run my fingers through his hair, feeling content. Within five minutes, he's out cold. I feel myself getting tired too, but I'm too in love to move him away from me. In love with the way his body moves from his steady breathing, the way his face looks so calm and almost..child like. I run my fingers up his bare arm, until I hit his sleeve, and he jumps slightly at my touch. He really is amazing, I don't know if I deserve to be in his life. But this moment, it's so perfect, I can't seem to let it go.

Until Norman walks in.

Then the moment isn't as sweet, but it's still there. And even with Norman in the room, I don't move Gary, but luckily he doesn't care, because Norman is supportive of our relationship, and I'll take that. So I don't move Gary off me for a while, not until I'm so tired I have to lay down myself. I just shift him over, then lay down beside him, after Norman has already passed out too. Then I drift off to sleep, Gary's calm face being the last thing I see.

**Friday, January 16th 2009**

We make it to my dad's house by eight-forty five. He's more than happy to see us, and even has a late dinner cooked for us. Gary, as ravenous as he is, devours his food, which dad is happy about because he never cooks for anyone but himself. We sit at the table as we eat, talking about school and holiday break. I'm thankful for dad being warm towards Gary. I don't know if his dad would do the same for me if he knew we were together.

My dad's never come out and told me he knows about us, and he's never fully asked if we were together, but Gary and I both know he knows. My dad is pretty smart and understanding, so I suddenly feel bad for not visiting him enough, and have the urge to come see him more often.

"So Pete," dad starts, as we're finishing up dinner. "I'm hoping I can come out and see you boys sometime, so you don't have to make the drive all the way here."

I raise my brows at that, at a bit of a loss. Dad, come to campus? I wouldn't mind but..what do parents do on campus? Just visit? "I'd hate for you to come for a day, dad, then have to drive all the way back here."

"Ah, I wouldn't mind. I miss you, I think I could sacrifice a whole day to be with you."

"I know. Well, you can come whenever you want, I guess."

"Have you talked to your mom recently?"

"Not since Christmas. Her and her boyfriend spend a lot of time together."

Gary looks at me at that, and so does dad, then I see their eyes both shift to each other.

"Um, I'm sorry, Pete, for not being there for you more. I should have already come out to see you."

"Don't apologize, dad. I wasn't insinuating anything. I just..sort of like visiting you more."

He smiles warmly, then stands to his feet and picks up his plate. He goes to grab mine, then Gary's.

"No, Mr. Kowalski, I insist," Gary says kindly, picking up his own plate and helping dad take the plates to the sink.

I raise my brows yet again. Gary certainly knows how to work his charm to get what he wants, which is me. He told me on the way that he wants to make a better impression on my dad, so that he won't be sour about us being together, but I tried telling him that dad already liked him. Things are just awkward for him.

"Thank-you, Gary," dad says.

Gary goes to the sink and actually washes the dishes, which is shocking. I don't think I've ever seen him wash anything except himself.

"You seem to be feeling a bit better this time, Pete," dad suddenly says, as he scrubs some sauce off a plate.

I narrow my eyes at him. "What do you mean?"

"Well, at Christmas you just seemed a little..upset."

I look down at that. That's because I was depressed, from what happened between me and Dylan and not being with Gary. "I..just have my days, I guess."

He nods and turns away, but Gary looks at me like he knows I'm hiding something. So I look away from him, not wanting to look him in the eyes.

"Just checkin', kiddo."

Once dad and Gary are both finished with the dishes, we all go into the living room and watch a little TV. We chat some, but I start getting tired and soon make my way to the spare bedroom. Dad goes ahead and makes the couch up for Gary; his way of making sure he doesn't sleep in my bedroom, I guess, but Gary stays in the spare room with me when dad goes to his own room, where I know he'll watch TV until he passes out.

Once we're alone, we get out a deck of cards and start playing our regular game on the bed. As Gary deals, my heart races as I try to figure out how I'm going to tell him about what happened with Dylan. I have to do it, like Norman said. And the whole reason for coming out here was to get him away from the school, away from Dylan, so that he wouldn't kill him when he found out. I know Gary too well. Sometimes it scares me how much I know him, and I _know_ how he'll react.

But before I know it, we've played two games, and thirty minutes have already passed. I've lost both games, too, because I'm completely distracted. I almost consider backing out, maybe telling him tomorrow, but Norman's words keep hanging on my ears. That he deserves to know. That I have to tell him, because I want honesty to be in our relationship.

"Man, I am so kicking your ass tonight," he says, shuffling the cards for game three, but I don't think that one will happen.

I swallow hard before saying, "Gary?"

"What?" He doesn't look up at me as he deals the cards out.

"I need to tell you something."

"Shoot."

When he still doesn't look up, I put my hands on his, stopping him from counting cards.

He looks up at me, seeing how serious my face is, and puts the cards down. "What's wrong?"

_Come on, Pete, you can do this_, I tell myself. I take a big breath and blow it out, but my body is hot from how upset I am. "Um, something happened, before Christmas break."

"Okay.."

I look up at him, biting my lip, and suddenly get afraid. Because I'm not looking forward to his reaction, because I'm not looking forward to having to bring up something I've been trying to forget since that night. I'm not looking forward to feeling like a weak wimp yet again. But here I am. I stand to my feet, for confidence, and look down at him.

"You okay?" Gary suddenly asked.

"No. I mean, I'm okay but, at the same time I'm not."

He sighs, shaking his head. "I sure wish you'd start making sense."

"Something happened between me and Dylan."

His eyes glance up at me at that, then narrow. "You broke up with him for real, I hope."

"God, Gary, yes. But I didn't just break it off because it didn't work out."

He doesn't say anything, just waits for me to go on.

I take in a deep breath, preparing for what I'm about to say next, not looking at him. "That night..after we went ice-skating, I went back to his room with him. His roommates were out, so it was just us. I thought we were just going to hang out, you know?" I dare to look up at him now, but he still looks confused. "He started kissing me, I wanted to take things slow. But he..just kept on. I told him I wanted to stop, but he told me it was okay. Then before I knew it..he was on top of me. I tried to get him off, but he held me down."

I look over at Gary, tears now blurring my vision. All I can see is how angry his face is, how his fists are balled up.

"He raped you?"

I've denied it over and over, until now. Told myself it was consensual, that it wasn't like that, because he made me believe it was okay. But now I know that's not true. So I nod at him, confirming.

"Fuck!" He stands to his feet, putting his hands to his head. He's fuming, I know. I can tell by how red he's getting. "_Fuck_, Petey!" He turns to me, angry. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I wanted to, but I was afraid of how you'd react. I thought you'd go kill the guy."

"You're right. I would have, and when we get back, I will."

I shake my head. "Just don't. This is why I had us come out here. I wanted to tell you away from him, so you wouldn't do anything stupid."

"As far as I'm concerned, Petey, Dylan's the one who did something stupid. And he's going to pay for it."

"I don't want you to anything."

"Why?"

"Because it'll just emphasize how weak I am!"

He goes quiet at that.

I sigh and turn away, pinching he bridge of my nose. "I couldn't stop it, so that makes me weak, and weak people don't strive in this world."

I feel his hand on my shoulder, and he turns me around to face him. "You're not weak, Pete. This kind of thing happens to a lot of people, no matter who they are, or how weak or strong they are. Me, I'm weak, because I can't even function right without you. Hell, I can't even function right with society. I was the one put in the nuthouse, remember?"

I look down, not really sure if that meant Gary was weak or just psycho.

"Pete, remember?" He holds my shoulders out until I look at him.

"How could I forget? Okay, well, maybe I'm not weak because of what happened, but Gary, I still don't want you to do anything crazy. I don't want you to end up back in a mental ward, or jail. That's why I delayed telling you. I was afraid of what you would do."

"Look, I'm not going to kill the guy, I just want to teach him a lesson. I don't think you realize what happened."

"Yes, I did."

"Why didn't you go to the cops then?"

I'm starting to get frustrated now. "Because I was afraid to. You think they're going to believe some guy in his first year of college when he says another guy raped him? He's already a creep, I have a feeling he'd only make up lies to make it look like nothing happened. And the last thing I want is some court case, and then my parents knowing about it."

"Okay, then I assuming that's my signal to go ahead and beat his ass."

"Gary-" I stop short, closing my eyes, and reach out for him. I grab him by his shirt and pull him towards me, where I lay my forehead against his chest.

He embraces me, then I feel his lips against my ear. "I promise you I won't do anything that'll land me behind bars. But I can't promise you that I won't hurt the guy too. He's going to pay for what he did, Pete. It won't make you weak to have me stand up to him either. That's just what friends do, and royally pissed off boyfriends."

I smile against him, my frustrations leaving as what he says sinks in. "Okay, you're right. I'm sorry I didn't tell you before."

"Pete, don't ever keep something like that from me again."

"Are you mad at me?"

He pulls away and looks down at me. "A little, yeah, for not telling me. That you felt you couldn't come to me. But I still..I still love you, so I really can't stay mad at you for long."

I smile, ecstatic to hear him say he loves me. It's refreshing, because he's said it to me in the past before. Maybe not all the time we were together, but I knew he did, and knowing that he still does makes me feel alive.

"I love you too," I say. "A lot."

"I love you more."

I smile, sighing. "I doubt that."

"We'll see."

I cock my head at him. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, the way I see it, I've lost you too many times. When I went to Happy Volts, after our short split our senior year at Bullworth, then again when I broke up with you. Yet each time you always come back to me. So I figured three's a charm, and I don't get any more chances after that, so I'm sticking with you."

"Gary," I sigh, pulling him in for another hug. "You forget who loved who first, but it doesn't matter. I don't plan on going anywhere else either. We need to stick together, because even though others don't see it, we make sense."


End file.
